Flogometer for Liz. Would you turn the page?

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A reminder of why we do this
Top literary agent Molly Friedrich said in an interview,

“I'm looking for the first page to be good. Then I'm looking for the second page to also be good. Really! The first page has to be good so that I will go to the second page and the third and the fourth. The main thing I look for is immediate great writing.”

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My book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells, is now available for pre-order at Amazon.com. I should be printing and shipping within in about 3 weeks, and early orders will be tremendously helpful.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Liz’s first 16 lines:

Over the edge of his glass, Gary watched Castor stalk into the room. The description he had been given matched, but then, it would match most Elbans. The cobra tattoo coiled around his right forearm, however, gave him away. Not many of those had wings and dripping fangs.

This shadowy nook in the middle of the Elba spaceport could best be called a general store. Nearly anything could be bought here, legal and illegal alike. Three dirty tables were shoved to one side, allowing the patrons to linger if they wished.

Sitting with his back to the wall, Gary watched the dark-haired man wander closer, weapon displayed in clear view. Dangerous credits there, but thirty-thousand credits would always be thirty-thousand credit.

Gary set his glass down with studied indifference and shifted slightly, one hand dropping out of sight. He fingered the Stinger at his belt. The most compact neural on the market, (black market that is) it packed a serious punch.

At average range, humanoid species would have their nervous system dismantled in an effective stun. Close range was more painful, involving convulsions and other spastic reactions as nerves overloaded. Gary grimaced at the instant memory and then wiped the expression off his face. He still bore the scars from a neural torture session.

Close, but . . .
There’s certainly interesting stuff here, but keep in mind that we’re working to see this through the eyes of an agent who sees maybe a hundred samples a week. From that viewpoint, although Liz is doing a lot right—starting with a scene that has tension in it, and starting from within a character’s point of view—there is also a fair amount of “telling” and info that’s really coming from outside the character’s POV. World-building exposition, for example. If I’m an agent like Molly Friedrich above, the storytelling has to have power, but here I’m anticipating a story that continues in this way, and, because this first page doesn’t involve me in the way I need to be involved, I passed. This is, as usual, totally subjective. Notes:

Over the edge of his glass, Gary watched Castor the Elban stalk into the room. The description he had been given matched his quarry, but then, it would match most Elbans. The cobra tattoo coiled around his right forearm, however, gave him Castor away. Not many of those had wings and dripping fangs. (This is a good start, but it could be tighter, with more tension. The thought-starter changes could help. The first change is because of order; seems to me that first comes the recognition of an Elban, and then his target. I added quarry, or prey would do, to characterize what’s happening in a way that adds tension.)

This shadowy nook in the middle of the Elba spaceport could best be called a general store. Nearly anything could be bought here, legal and illegal alike. Three dirty tables were shoved to one side, allowing the patrons to linger if they wished. (This is now the author dispensing information, not the character experiencing what’s happening. If this can’t be delivered from within the character’s persona, it needs to go. I like that Liz is visualizing the setting, but done in this snapshot fashion, it slows the action. Thought-starter: because scene-setting is important, you could slip a mini-description into first sentence of the first paragraph like this: Over the edge of his glass, Gary watched the Elban stalk into the shadowed, anything-goes store on the edge of the Elba spaceport.)

Sitting with his back to the wall, Gary watched the dark-haired man wander closer, weapon displayed in clear view. Dangerous credits there, but thirty-thousand credits would always be thirty-thousand credits. (For me, the second sentence got a little too telegraphic; I had to think about it for a second, and you don’t want that. For example, instead of “Dangerous credits there,” would “A dangerous bounty to collect” help?)

Gary set his glass down with studied indifference and shifted slightly, one hand dropping out of sight. He fingered the Stinger at his belt. The most compact neural on the black market, (black market that is) it packed a serious punch. (This could be tighter, i.e. Gary set his glass down and dropped his hand to the Stinger at his belt, out of Castor’s sight under the table. The description of the weapon is more info dumping. It doesn’t seem like its compactness is a real factor, but its power is. Thoughtstarter: Even though possessing a black-market neural was a risk, Gary needed its extra punch.)

At average range, humanoid species would have their nervous system dismantled in an effective stun. Close range was more painful, involving convulsions and other spastic reactions as nerves overloaded. Gary grimaced at the instant memory and then wiped the expression off his face. He still bore the scars from a neural torture session. (More info-dumping. This stuff can be slipped in later when Gary launches his attack. I’d cut this and move on. The reader already knows Gary has a potent weapon, and it’s potential effects can come later. Now is the time to seat the hook!)

Comments, anyone?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Jessica]

Like Ray, I thought there were some really intriguing ideas, here. The setup definitely made me want to know more. But I didn't understand the two most important things: who was the protagonist, who was his prey, and why?

I found this line confusing: "Dangerous credits there, but thirty-thousand credits would always be thirty-thousand credit." What did you mean by that?

I also thought that the last paragraph was problematic. The infodump took me out of the story, and also opened the question of why use the weapon if he'd been tortured with it?

At any rate, I thought the writing was strong, and the characters and situation interesting. I'd have turned the page.

[Liz]

Thanks to Ray and Jessica :)

I will definitely go back through my first chapter, and all of the chapters, and pay attention to those info-dumps. I always seem to have trouble with the first couple of chapters in any novel I write.

Thanks again for the help

[ri]

The bloggers’ list here is quite interesting to visit.

Anyway, if you want to expand your readership and your blog’s traffic, i’m inviting you to visit the site that my friends and i are developing and that are very related to what you’re doing here in your blog. The blog’s basicallya freelance forum for all freelancers (freelance writers, freelance coders, freelance webmasters, freelance designers, basta almost all about freelancing. There are writing contests and writing competitions there, too so you may want to visit it, Michael. Anyway, great read, I hope you can write something more about proofreading.
That’s all.

[Christine H]

I really liked this, until the 3rd paragraph. I felt that the flow was interrupted. You could probably weave that information into something later in the chapter.

I have edited my first chapter at least fifty times to get the infodumps out. I still have a big one in the beginning, but since it is tightly linked to the action in the present I'm hoping it will work. I've had mixed reviews on my blog. So I know the challenge you're facing. But believe me, there is a way to weave every little bit of vital information into the story later. I promise!

[Christine H]

Oh - one more thing... Gary is looking over his glass. This makes me think of a little boy whose nose is just a few inches above the table. How tall is the glass? How tall is he? Is he slumped down so no one can see him?

That puzzled me.

[Christine H]

Oh, sorry... I meant "until the last paragraph." And I just realized how contradictory my first post sounded about infodumps.

I'm trying to do this with a six-year-old at my elbow, bugging me. Sorry I'm so disconnected!

[JuJu]

Uh Ray, you made a little error when you were correcting Liz on the neural. You said: "The most compact neural on black the market" and it should be. "The most compact neural on the black market".