Flogometer for Jerre . Would you turn the page?

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My book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells, is now available for pre-order at Amazon.com. I should be printing and shipping within in a few weeks, and early orders will be tremendously helpful.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Jerre added a prologue, aiming to better set up the suspense. You votes will tell us whether it worked or not. If you’re a follower of FtQ, you’ll know I’m not a fan of prologues. The first 16 lines:

Five years earlier

Carlos Montoya pushed a color photograph across his desk to the newest cop on his payroll, Victor Parnell of the Dry Lake, Texas, police department. He’d passed all the tests he’d been given, but something about the corrupt cop raised suspicions and Carlos always trusted his instincts.

He’d use the man but would reveal nothing of his organization to the fool. If Parnell thought he could play both sides, he needed to be reminded of the price he’d pay if he ever risked betraying his new employer.

Parnell picked up the photo, glanced at it, then lifted his eyebrows. “I don’t understand, Mr. Montoya. Why are you showing me this?” He laid the photo back on the desk, the dead woman and her two children’s unseeing gazes staring at the frescoed office ceiling, their blood pooled beneath their bodies.

Montoya snipped the end of his Cuban cigar, flipped the top of his gold lighter and inhaled deeply. He closed his eyes as the smoke filled his lungs. Ah, sweet like a virgin. He savored the rich aroma for a few moments before exhaling and again pinning Parnell with a hard stare.

“You have a wife and child.” He glanced at the photo, then back at the cop he’d bought.

First 16 lines of chapter 1:

Her whole body trembled as she spat out the words, “I hate Vic. I absolutely despise him,” to the ageing cop standing beside her.

Jessica Parnell had wished her ex-husband dead many times during the years of his abuse, but never imagined herself actually doing the deed. But tonight, right now, she could easily envision her hands around his throat squeezing the life out of him. How could Vic not have warned her of the danger to Davy? How could a father care so little for his son?

As Officer Duffey’s voice droned on with last minute instructions, Jess watched her son play with his Transformers, grabbed during the rush to leave their small home before Montoya’s men arrived. If they really were coming.

The bus station lobby reeked with diesel fumes, unwashed bodies and her own fear. Loudspeakers, hissing air brakes and passengers' voices competed with the blood pounding in her ears. Jess scanned the crowded station. Had they been followed?

According to Duffey’s quiet explanation on the drive from Dry Lake to the bus station in El Paso, Vic disappeared a couple of weeks earlier when he realized he was under investigation by the DEA for dealings with Carlos Montoya. Only today did the local cops learn more about the extent of Vic’s involvement with the high ranking drug dealer. Apparently he’d been (snip)

Didn’t quite make the cut for me
While the prologue had good elements in it, the first paragraph was confusing for me. The way it started, to me it read that Montoya was the head cop—and then we were told that he’d just hired a corrupt cop. That brought me to a stop there.

In the first chapter, again there were interesting elements, but they didn’t reach the level of compelling, probably because the last paragraph on the page dropped into exposition. This is the time to let us know, through dialogue, that a drug lord’s killers may be after her and her son, not to info-dump. In both pieces there could be some tightening done, but overall the writing is good.

It sounds like there may be a good story, the hook just needs to be stronger. For my money, the prologue is not necessary if the opening page and chapter do their jobs. In the first chapter, the cop tells Jessica that she’ll meet up with an ex DEA agent along the way and to trust him. Jerre, I suggest that you take a look at starting the story when she gets off the bus in Waco and meets up with the guy. You can weave the threat in there and get into the story quicker.

Comments, anyone?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Jessica]

Although I had the same initial confusion as Ray did in the prologue, I thought it read stronger and more clearly than the first 16 lines of Chapter 1. I had to read those 16 lines several times, and was confused about the basics: who were these people, where where they, and what were they doing there.

You might consider opening immediately with the pertinent information: the MC's husband disappeared, is suspected murdered by drug dealers, and those drug dealers may be after the MC and her son. This is a compelling situation, which would make me want to turn the page. After this, consider fleshing out the setting: where are they? What do they see/hear/smell? What's the temperature?

If you can bring the clarity of the prologue to the situation in the first 16 lines, I think you'll have a very compelling opening. Good luck!

[Darla]

I loved the last lines of the prologue but the paragraphs leading up to it were a little hard to follow - particularly the first one.

The first chapter didn't grab me but I think it could if it were tightened and the infodump of the last paragraph removed. A woman and child in danger is good compelling stuff, stick to that in the opening, and I'd be turning the page.

[Maya]

I think I'd be a bit disappointed if I was told on the first page of a book exactly what I'm supposed to learn in the course of it. If the Parnell is actually corrupt and our view of him never changes throughout the book-- I never feel a surge of doubt or even start to like him-- I think I'd lose interest. This isn't really a criticism of your intro, although I felt like the fact that Parnell is a bad guy is a bit overemphasized in both sections. I would be more intrigued if tension built through a bit of a contradiction-- i.e., we see a wife who really hates her abusive husband but yet we see him trusted and admired in the prologue. Then I feel I'm in a dangerous situation; not everyone knows what's going on, and possibly a dangerous guy is in a position of trust (and thus power). Alternatively, I might be drawn in if the wife seems to have absolute faith in Parnell while his supervisor suspects he is crooked and uncaring. Does this make any sense?

Oh, btw, "he" in your second sentence could seem to refer to either Montoya or Parnell.