Flogometer forSammy. Would you turn the page?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Sammy has returned with a rewrite. His first 16 lines:

The speed of Zackaria Kato’s jet-cycle told her something terrible would happen. A thousand feet in the air, she drove too fast. Too many pedestrian walkway tubes blocked her path, making her do wild dips, turns, and spins. One wrong maneuver would end everything. And yet she ignored the dangers screaming at her. With her eyes wide with excitement, she drank the intoxicating rush of flying through the tight spaces of Pantor City’s tall slender buildings. Accelerating her cycle, she felt confident that she would reach her high school before the late bell rang.

Within minutes, her school’s large campus came into view. Daly Caber High was a small aggregation of maroon buildings locked behind tall silver gates. The private academy contained two track fields, greenhouses, and spacious gardens along with other amenities that accommodated its students.

It’s been a month since Zackaria attended the posh academy and like all her previous schools, she hated it, but she dared not tell her parents to send her somewhere else. They were done school hunting for her and her sisters, Chrisa and Meliz. Her parents had even tried home-schooling on and off, but that never worked because the private tutors always ran away after a few sessions. She suspected that her parents had nightmares about the girls’ past school experiences.

No yet, for this reader
Sammy’s working hard to start with lively action, but the first paragraph felt “heavy” too me—like there is just too much of it, I think. And then the third paragraph diverts into backstory, and the speeding jet cycle crashed for me. There is some good, clean writing, but there are some craft issues as well. Notes:

The speed of Zackaria Kato’s jet-cycle told her something terrible would happen. A thousand feet in the air, she drove too fast. Too many pedestrian walkway tubes blocked her path, making her do wild dips, turns, and spins. One wrong maneuver would end everything. And yet she ignored the dangers screaming at her. With her eyes wide with excitement, she A thousand feet in the air, Zackaria Kato drank the intoxicating rush of racing her jet cycle flying through the tight spaces obstacle course of pedestrian walkway tubes connecting of Pantor City’s tall slender buildings. Accelerating her cycle, she felt dipped and swerved and spun, confident that she would reach her high school before the late bell rang. (Parts of this felt like her parents talking, and I wasn’t getting the character’s feelings of this. The parental part, for me, came from things such as “something terrible would happen” and “drove too fast” and “would end everything.” This is a teen-age girl, a thrill-seeker who is confident of her abilities. Would she be thinking about dangers and too fast and terrible things? Or living the moment? There were clarity issues, too—if the walkway tubes actually blocked her path, she would crash into them. As a thought-starter, I made the changes you see, but I think it could be better than that. Sammy needs to be inside her, not reporting what’s happening from outside. Phrases such as “her eyes wide with excitement” are a camera’s point of view, not the experience of the character.)

Within minutes, her school’s large campus came into view. Daly Caber High was a small aggregation of maroon buildings locked behind tall silver gates. The private academy contained two track fields, greenhouses, and spacious gardens along with other amenities that accommodated its students. (The second sentence sounds more like it came from a brochure than the way this girl would think of the school. “Large” is a conclusion word, a relative term that doesn’t mean much unless you know what it relates to. And this probably isn’t the way this girl would think of her school. Thought-starter: Clear of the city, she dove toward the maroon buildings and tall silver gates of Daly Caber High. Description that’s experiential, part of the action, flows much more easily into the reader’s mind and doesn’t feel so much like description and more like part of what’s happening.)

It’s been a month since Zackaria attended the posh academy and like all her previous schools, she hated it, but she dared not tell her parents to send her somewhere else. They were done school hunting for her and her sisters, Chrisa and Meliz. Her parents had even tried home-schooling on and off, but that never worked because the private tutors always ran away after a few sessions. She suspected that her parents had nightmares about the girls’ past school experiences. Besides the fact that all of this is backstory and needs to wait for later, there’s a clarity issue in the first sentence. It says that she hasn’t been at the school for a month, but I think that what is meant is that she has been attending the school for a month. But, at this point in the story, who cares?)

Sammy is working on characterizing this girl for us with her reckless behavior, but for me it could be a lot less, or maybe even not there.

Later (too late) came a scene in a hallway, after the character has been punished with detention and more. This, if it could come on or near the first page, would be a real page-turner:

“I’m so DAMN angry!”

Zackaria slammed her fist into a maroon locker, making it explode into countless pieces. The impact of the punch rippled toward the lockers adjacent to it. Sharp metal shrapnel flying out from the explosion cut Zackaria’s hand and face. The personal items of the locker owners threw up all over the floor, electric sparks jumped and colorful wires leaked out from the broken lockers’ keypads.

This fascinating action came about 12 pages into the story. Sammy, I think you’ve got a lot of “throat-clearing” that could be broomed. It seems to me that you have terrific characters and world, you just need to focus on story.

Comments, anyone?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait, it’s okay to update the submission.

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Kami]

I remember this from a previous flog, and although there are improvements, I have to agree with Ray 100% on his comments. I would rather see why she has so much trouble staying in school and keeping tutors, and the bit Ray pulled out is much more compelling than all the hot-rodding around. Besides, when I see her reckless behavior, all I can see is spoiled brat (mainly because the author *tells* me she's reckless and unsympathetic, not because she *is* that way.) When I see her destroying things because she's frustrated and angry, I'm in her pov and I'm frustrated and angry too, and it's satisfying to do damage. It's also fun then to suffer the consequences of causing damage. Questions--does she want to learn? Is she way behind all her classmates? How she deals with the answers to these questions will make or break the story for me. I'd like to see her dealing with problems (whether it's well or poorly) rather than goofing off during the opening.

I hope this helps!

[Timberati]

Ray nails it. The telling is too far removed. This sentence told me I would never get close: "With her eyes wide with excitement, she drank the intoxicating rush of..." The phrase "wide with excitement" tells us what we're supposed to feel. Rather than telling me, make me feel it.

As it's currently written, it sounds more as if the narrator is someone paid to watch this rebellious child and isn't happy about it. The narrator's story of why he does so sounds more interesting to me.

As an experiment, perhaps you could write these first pages in Zakaria's point of view. This might help you feel what Zakaria feels and thinks about her situation. Then, if you need to pull back to sit on her shoulder, you've a better idea of her motivations.

If, filtered through her senses, I understand her motivation, I can gain empathy and then I'll want to go on the journey with her.

You might check out on YouTube, Eric Witchey's five-minute explanation explanation of Agenda, Backstory, Conflict, and setting for a little coaching.

Best of luck and keep at it.
- Norm

[Sammy]

Thanks again! Yeah, I'm definitely going to cut the whole chase thing and bring up the punishment and my character's reaction. This has been really helpful.

[mai]

It seems to me that the difficulty of devising the futuristic setting makes it hard for the author to focus on the story itself. Would it help to write the story in outline form, and ignore the setting for now? I think readers read for story, and setting is a garnish, not the main course.

It will be interesting to see how this develops. I look forward to reading the next draft.