Flogometer for Millar; would you keep reading?

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A reminder of why we’re doing this
Agent Kristin Nelson was the Secret Agent in the monthly contest on misssnarksfirstvictim blog. You submit the first 250 words, i.e. the first page, much like here. The secret agent reads them and offers a note of criticism, then chooses winners—those who managed to “hook” Kristin got to send their first 30 pages to the agent.

After reviewing 60 submissions, Kristin said this on her blog:

Two problems rose to the surface on why I said “not hooked, wouldn’t read further” on some of the entries and I’m going to share those two things with my blog readers right now.

The two top problems were:

1. To much telling instead of showing the character in the scene (or too heavy a reliance on back story to jumpstart the story).

And

2. Not enough mastery of the craft—in other words, the writing needed to be tightened. Too much wordiness, overuse of adverbs, immediately explaining what was just revealed in dialogue, etc.

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Flogging the Quill has been named one of the 100 best writing sites here. There are other sites of interest, so you might want to give it a look.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Millar’s first 16 lines:

A swim in Deadman’s Lake in the middle of winter is, for the young men of Pelly Crossing at least, the only sanctioned method through which one’s mettle can be demonstrated and affirmed.

“Go on ya fuckin’ pansy. Jump”, Raymond Whitefeather shouted.

James, naked and uneasy, stared at the hole in the ice from atop Warrior’s Bluff. He knew this was a place he did not belong.

“Jump! Jump! Jump!”, the others taunted as they tossed their empties. That would be all the coaxing he would need as the bottles shattered against the rock showering the pristine winter crust with thousands of amber shards.

That morning, Jesse Quinn had argued against: “He’s not part of us”, he said, “It’s not fucking right.”

“Forget it Jess.” “Let it go.” “What difference does it make”, chimed the others.

Earlier that summer, James Gardener had married Betty Sheldon in a traditional Tutchone ceremony in the Longhouse of the Kluane First Nation; a union that had not earned unanimous approval and did not sit particularly well with Jesse Quinn whose relationship with Betty Sheldon ended long before James Gardener showed up in Pelly Crossing on his way to Dawson City to study the Northern Lights which were, at the time, unusually active.

But now, back at the lake, in the dark, the once raging bonfire has died away leaving a smoldering snag (snip)

I tripped over a block of backstory
The good thing is starting with action and a tense situation. The killer was stopping for a dense and, for this reader, uncomprehensible chunk of backstory. Too bad, because on the next page was these words, “as the falling snow covers the blood soaked trail to the hole in the ice just below Warrior's Bluff.” There were a few technical shortcomings, too. Notes:

A swim in Deadman’s Lake in the middle of winter is was, for the young men of Pelly Crossing at least, the only sanctioned method through which one’s mettle can could be demonstrated and affirmed. (I felt that the tense of this opening should match the rest of the story, which is in past tense. This is not exactly a powerful hook, and I think the information it contains could have been wove in. The next line is a much better start.)

“Go on ya fuckin’ pansy. Jump,” Raymond Whitefeather shouted. (If you want the reader to get how a speech is said, the clues [i.e. “shouted”] need to come before the words are said.)

James, naked and uneasy, stared at the hole in the ice from atop Warrior’s Bluff. He knew this was a place he did not belong.

“Jump! Jump! Jump!” the others taunted as they tossed their empties. That would be all the coaxing he would need as the bottles shattered against the rock showering the pristine winter crust with thousands of amber shards. (The second sentence was too long and complicated for me. And, if we’re to be in James’s point of view, would he really use words like “pristine” and “amber?”)

That morning, Jesse Quinn had argued against: “He’s not part of us”, he said, “It’s not fucking right.”

“Forget it Jess.” “Let it go.” “What difference does it make”, chimed the others.

Earlier that summer, James Gardener had married Betty Sheldon in a traditional Tutchone ceremony in the Longhouse of the Kluane First Nation; a union that had not earned unanimous approval and did not sit particularly well with Jesse Quinn whose relationship with Betty Sheldon ended long before James Gardener showed up in Pelly Crossing on his way to Dawson City to study the Northern Lights which were, at the time, unusually active.

But now, back at the lake, in In the dark, the once raging bonfire has had died away leaving a smoldering snag (snip) (Clarity problem here—if it’s dark, how can he see the hole in the ice below the bluff?)

Comments, anyone?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Mai]

The first paragraph stopped this reader because of the almost legal style of "...only sanctioned method through which one’s mettle can be demonstrated and affirmed."

"He knew this was a place he did not belong" made me think about what he was doing there, not what he was facing and why, which took me out of the story.

The paragraph starting "Earlier that summer..." had a lot of information, and was faced-paced. I felt rushed and confused.

I liked the story elements very much -- they really grabbed me -- and would likely have turned the page if it had been more completely edited.

[kathy]

I agree completely with Ray. I would like to suggest that if some one is shouting,
“Go on ya fuckin’ pansy. Jump", a simple explanation mark would do the trick.

But now, back at the lake" brought up the image of having just had a commercial break, and now we are getting back to the story.

[Maya]

I was actually disapointed when the intro shifted to the backstory about the love triangle (possibly) and the way the POV character is an outsider. It would have been so much more fun to discover all of that through their interactions in the present! I wouldn't turn the page as is, for exactly the reasons Ray mentions.

[Norm]

I like the intent of the first paragraph. We're immediately in the story: a dramatic paragraph with the defining moment of manhood for these boys--a jump from Warrior's Bluff into dangerously frigid waters of Deadman’s Lake. It grabbed me despite its (to me, at least) awkward wording.

Yet the next sentence pulled me away because I want to know who to root for. I suggest putting this next, "James, naked and uneasy, stared at the hole in the ice from atop Warrior’s Bluff." How high up is James? The use of the word, "atop" seems too clinical, too distant. The sentence, "He knew this was a place he did not belong." Needs work. It's not just "the place" James doesn't belong in, it's the culture (perhaps most of all).

Despite these, I'm still along for the ride. Then I hit the backstory; that pulled me away.

Keep going. "Fish out of water" always is a great theme in a story. Best of luck.

- Norm

[Millar]

Hey guys. Thank you so much for the comments. They are AWESOME! I've never written fiction before (quiet in the back) so this exercise was fun.
Thanks to all, and to Ray for Flogging The Quill.

[Sheila]

I was thinking these were boys, but then you mention that one of them is married, and that made me do a big mental shift of the image I had.

I really like the idea of this opening scene, especially when you added the hint of danger with Jesse saying, "he's not one of us." I think this could be a compelling opening.

Side note - Ray, I actually entered that contest and got an honorable mention! I credit you with teaching me how to create a compelling opening. Thanks!

[Dan]

I agree with the majority sentiment: backstory interfered with setting the hook. There were parts that intrigued me. Leave out the chaff and things could get interesting.

[Julie Butcher-Fedynich]

I'm sorry. I tripped up on the backstory. If you need it, it needs to be later, dribbled rather than poured. You obviously have a masterful use of the english language. The first page is what kills us all.
I was fascinated with the young man and whether he would jump, stick with that.

[Jodi]

Except for this paragraph "Earlier that summer...., unusually active" that I skimmed, I was really enjoying this. I love the first two paragraphs, and how well they play off each other.

Jodi

[Jessica]

I think the author has a great narrative voice, a very tense scene, and an excellent opening. I'd have turned the page without question, if it weren't for paragraphs #1 (throat clearing), and #7 (backstory), which pulled me out of the story once it was established.

Small potatoes, though, and easily fixed. I voted "yes," because the writing was clear, and the scene intrigued me. The author might consider sticking with the narrative voice in paragraphs #2-#6, which would make the action more immediate and intense, rather than pulling back into the "authorial" voice of paras 1 and 7.

Nicely done.