Flogometer for Larry; would you keep reading?

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Flogging the Quill has been named one of the 100 best writing sites here. There are other sites of interest, so you might want to give it a look.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Larry’s first 16 lines:

Ann put down on the car seat our introductory invitation to the Greenwich social scene. We were invited to Conyer’s farm first polo match.

She touched my arm, “Just look at the countryside awakening for spring. This is old, established money. Winston needs us to “meet and greet” to help him raise funds for our tissue typing and stem cell research.

Flashing police lights, a short siren burst interrupted our drive up North St. to Conyers farm. A single police car with what appeared to be two officers speeds past around a turn. We smelled the odor of a smoldering fire as we rounded the curve. A single patrolman fought the fire in the car that seemingly crashed into a tree. “Grab a second fire extinguisher from my patrol car. This is not a natural fire.”

As I went to comply I saw the round object hanging on the passenger’s side of the squad car was a police cap not another cop. A deliberate attempt to hide the fact the officer is alone, but that can only work once, I thought.

A gray haired man in a formal smoking jacket peered from behind the Grecian columns framing the entrance of his mansion, “oh mon dieu, I’ll call for more help.”

He shouted to his servant emerging from the garage.

Didn’t work for this reader
Despite the fact that Larry opens with dramatic action, the narrative had several problems that keep it from reaching the professional level he needs. There are many small, technical issues—punctuation, structure, grammar—and it seemed disjointed to me, and there were clarity issues. Some notes that I hope will be helpful:

Ann put down on the car seat our introductory invitation to the Greenwich social scene. We were invited to -- Conyer’s farm’ first polo match. (Here, “Conyer’s farm” seems to be possessive, later it’s a plural. Unclear as to whether it’s a person’s name or the name of a place. If a place, it needs to be “Conyer’s Farm.)

She touched my arm, “Just look at the countryside awakening for spring. This is old, established money. Winston needs us to “meet and greet” to help him raise funds for our tissue typing and stem cell research. ” (The non-sequiter here, going from spring to old money, threw me, as did the line about the purpose of their trip. This is something the people both know, so why is someone saying it out loud? Answer: info dump.)

Flashing police lights and a short siren burst interrupted herour drive up North St. to Conyers farm. A single police car with what appeared to be two officers speeds sped past around a turn. We smelled the odor of a smoldering fire as we rounded the curve. A single patrolman fought the fire in the car that seemingly crashed into a tree. We stopped, and he shouted, “Grab a second fire extinguisher from my patrol car. This is not a natural fire.” (I didn’t understand “appeared to be” and “seemingly,” especially “seemingly.” It should be apparent whether a car is crashed into a tree or not.)

As I went to comply I saw the round object hanging on the passenger’s side of the squad car was a police cap not another cop. A deliberate attempt to hide the fact the officer is alone, but that can only work once, I thought. (For the “round object hanging” to look like a person seems not terribly credible to me. Hanging from where? If it’s a cap, then the lack of a head and a torso would seem to be apparent to anyone. And why would the narrator have this thought about an attempt to fool people?)

A gray-haired man in a formal smoking jacket peered from behind the Grecian columns framing the entrance of his mansion, “oOh mon dieu, I’ll call for more help.” )(This mansion seemed to appear out of nowhere, and the man had to be awfully close for us to hear what he said if it was in a normal voice.)

He shouted to his servant emerging from the garage.

Comments, anyone?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[mai]

A wealthy Greenwich man old enough to be saying "Mon dieu" as an exclamation is also so old that his staff would be the ones handling any emergency near his grounds. He might be watching from the window. Helper employees are called staff, not servants, in Greenwich.

If the protagonist and his wife are tight enough in Greenwich to be invited to polo matches, they're more likely to describe their first invitation something like this:

We were invited to the season's first polo match at Conyers Farm (or "first match at the Polo Club").

Conyers a word based on a surname, and thus neither plural nor possessive. Conyers Farm is an estate that belonged to a man named Converse. For years after Converse's death, it was overseen by a bank trust, so it stayed pretty rural. Though it was developed in recent years, it still has lots of support for riding sports, including a polo club.

I grew up in a neighboring town. Because of my familiarity with the setting, my reaction to the opening is biased, so I didn't vote.

Suggestion to the author: to get the tone right, visit Greenwich often and talk with as many people as you can spare time for. Tell them what you're doing. They will be interested, and many will be helpful.

[Brutal]

This is a mess. There are too many structural mistakes . Your first sentence should read: Ann put down invitation to Coyer’s Farm Polo match on the car seat and it’s up to you how to better tell us they’re trying to get into the social scene, but “introductory invitation to the Greenwich social scene,” is not it. The next paragraph is a mess. It’s as “as you know bob.” As you know bob is an information dump for the benefit of the reader. This is a conversation the narrator and Ann would have had already. Your third paragraph is where it gets interesting. First sentence is fine, but after that structural mistakes reappear, specifically, tending toward the passive voice. With what appeared to be- too long, either just tell us it’s two people or leave it out. Delete smoldering. Smoke is something you smell a long ways off . And you’ve dethatched the narrator from the scene. We need some emotional response from Ann “Oh my god, I hope the driver’s okay.” From the narrator. “I slowed down to oogle” and a reason for the narrator to stop. “The cop started waving.” You also need to google or call the police in the area and find out how many extinguishers they carry. I’m to believe there might be one but not too, and if the cop has radioed for help, which he would do if there is a real cop, I’ve have a hard time believing he’d send a a stranger to his unit where he keeps a loaded rifle. Of course if our narrator got the rifle and shot the police officer to cover up a crime he committed, it’d be really interesting. And you’ve by passed the tension of the scene to tell us there is only one cop pretending to be two. This is a great detail, because Police only pretend to have two cops when its dangerous to have one, but you need to write it so the accident reveals the detail, not so the detail is the sole purpose of the accident.
This needs CPR.

[Holly]

I agree with Ray regarding the technical issues, but I also understand where Larry is going with this. I enjoyed the plot movement and the characters. Writing is an iterative effort and help from all is appreciated... maybe all except some...
Thanks Larry, Illegitimi non carborundum.
I turned the page.

[Ray Rhamey]

Brutal: it seems clear from your comment that you read this opening and gave it some thought.

However, on this blog we do not tell someone their hard work "is a mess." Even if your writing were to be submitted and I thought it was a mess, I wouldn't say so.

Some writers are more accomplished than others, but that does not give anyone permission to be rude or unkind.

All writers work hard, and their effort deserves respect. I would appreciate it if you would limit your comments to being constructive.

[Deana]

Larry, I think before you "visit Greenwich" as one commentator stated, you would be better served to visit your public library and check out every single book you can find on the mechanics of writing.

To be honest, I would estimate you need at least a year if not two to learn and practice how to write. And then another year at least to write your novel, and then another 6 months at least on top of that to revise it.

Many writers never try to publish their first novel, even after spending countless hours working on it. This is their practice novel. I have one. I daresay you will have one, too.

Some critics fear "telling it like it is" but Brutal gave you the truth. Fluffing it up for you will not help you in the long run. Writers have to deal with criticism and most importantly learn from it.

Writing is a craft and learning it is a long, never-ending journey.

Best of luck.

[Kami]

I agree with most of what's been said about the weaknesses in this opening. I would recommend reading "The First Five Pages" by Noah Lukeman. If I remember correctly, that book addresses most if not all the issues this opening has.

Unless having the fake extra officer is important to the plot, I would drop it. This doesn't seem the kind of area that would do that (though I could be wrong.) Even if it's accurate, it's an 'arguable detail' that will bounce readers out of the story, just like the "Mon dieu" and the manor house seeming to be close to a main road.

Good luck!

[mai]

I see simple awkwardness here, not lack of knowledge. First time dancers are always awkward. It's the spirit inside that, if cultivated so it flows, produces a great dancer from a first-time one.

When starting to write, it's like entering a completely new country from ten different directions. It's easy to forget how at sea one can feel, if you've been writing for a while.

(Sorry for mixing metaphors.)

I give the author full marks for making a strong start in the story he wants to tell. I think he can do an excellent job of writing it, if he approaches his book project as storytelling, rather than story writing.

I'd bet the author would find himself on a new page about writing if he'd read his work aloud and edit it so it sounds good when he reads it that way.

If anyone wants to take me up on the bet, they're welcome to it.

[Ray Rhamey]

Mai, I think you're spot on. Read aloud, it seems like the awkwardnesses would be noticed. Larry does indeed have a way to go, but he's gotten good advice here.

Thank you for sharing your thought.

[Deana]

Well, that certainly simplifies things!

Who needs to study writing or read books on writing or practice writing or take advice from editors giving writing advice when all we really have to do is read aloud and voila!

A star is born.

I'm sure all the future agents Larry submits his work to will thank those who turned his head from those pesky nuts and bolts of writing and urged him to simply read aloud. The results of this manner of learning the craft are sure to be fantastic, indeed.

[Jessica]

Larry, you might consider opening with the flashing police lights. It's an exciting opening as is, but getting right to the point will make it even more exciting.

It sounds like it's going to be my kind of story (a murder mystery). However, the numerous technical issues (esp. the use of quote marks and the structure of the opening sentence) made me read a couple of passages over a few times to figure out what was happening. Normally, this would cause me not to read on. I think a lot of readers would have this reaction.

I hope you won't be discouraged by some of the negative feedback here. From my (limited) experience, the most important thing is to keep working, revising, polishing, and reading. Getting as many different sets of eyes to look at your work and offer constructive feedback will only make your work stronger.

Reading aloud will help you find prose that doesn't flow as well as it might. Brushing up on grammar will help you to tell your story more powerfully. And searching for the nuggets of truth in other people's opinions, even when the way it's put might sting will give you the rhino skin that every writer needs.

Best of luck.