Flogometer for James; would you keep reading?

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Flogging the Quill has been named one of the 100 best writing sites here. There are other sites of interest, so you might want to give it a look.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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James sent a prologue/first chapter combo. The prologue’s first 16 lines:

Things aren’t always what they appear to be.

Take Salt Lake City, Utah, for example, nestled snugly below the Wasatch Mountains of the Rocky Mountain Range. By the looks of things, as you walk around those wide streets lined with modern skyscrapers, you might think there is more interest in business conventions and shopping malls than in the goings-on behind the closed doors of the Latter-Day Saint Temples.

Why the hell do I know this?

Because I was right there - in that very city! - pacing through a half empty Wal-Mart parking lot pushing my groceries toward my truck when I decided that our relationship had to come to an end.

I sought a quiet spot and parked my cart next to a cement pillar.

In England it was late afternoon, and because it was mid-summer, it would be as light there as the late morning sun is here in Utah.

I took my cell phone from my pocket and pulled up the contacts. S, P, E.

A full name lit up the screen.

I pressed SEND and brought the phone to my ear.

And now the opening of the first chapter.

April, 1978

It was such a windy day... as if a storm was looming.

It was the 17th of the month and the headlines all over the front page of the local newspaper read:

Boy Raped and Left Hanging from Tree

Augustos Santo's (age 9) was stabbed, raped and strangled with his own shirt and left hanging from a tree in the Harbour Area Square, not far from the train tracks that link the harbour to the meat packing plant, Anglo Inc. The boy’s naked body was found Sunday morning around 7 a.m. There were reports by neighbors that they had seen the boy walking in the company of a tall, fair skinned man wearing a long sleeve white shirt and a blue baseball cap. The neighbors also reported that on Saturday evening....

Chapter One

Was it the best decision I ever made?

Probably not!

I should have been home by 4:30, but I wasn't.

It was already past 5:00 as I sprinted down Gomez Carneiro Street sweat streaming down my chest onto my stomach. The wind making me shiver as I ran. It would have been easier if I had taken the bus from work. But instead I threaded my way back and forth along the back streets through Central Square and headed south towards the Harbour Area.

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Heavy detail tripped me up
Despite clean writing, and then a good start with a nice, hooky first sentence, the prologue wandered off into the mechanics of making a phone call—overwriting. How important is it for the reader to see the character pull the phone from his pocket, and a name (that we don’t see) appear on the screen, and that he presses send and puts the phone to his ear. Not for me, and what tension was created by the opening line was long gone. More than that, the space taken up by non-contributory detail keep anything compelling off the first page.

On the chapter opening, the news item was riveting, but then the story part did the same thing as the prologue. Interior monologue about the decision (that we don’t know what was) by the character, the physical sensations of running down a street as opposed to alternative transportation. . .and it went on. For me, the second part of the opening was more throat-clearing—where’s the story? What does this narrator have to do with the first one? What does he/she have to do with the hanged boy? Those questions shouldn’t even have to be asked (they are more technique questions rather than story questions).

While the writing is good and clear, on the storytelling side the writing alone isn’t capable of creating the tension needed to compel a turn of the page. As the little old lady once famously said in a television commercial, “Where’s the beef?”

Comments, anyone?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Maya]

I actually loved this, and I said "yes" to both (although my votes didn't seem to show up right away). I liked the urgency in the voice, and personally I like a bit of mystery in a prologue-- I like that I would likely be guessing whose name started with SPE for a while. One thing that tripped me up-- are you saying that people in Salt Lake City have no INTEREST in what goes on behind closed doors? The phrasing in that sentence was a bit odd to me-- it seems like you might actually mean that in a general sense people would think that the activity in malls is more interesting. I wasn't quite sure what to make of the news article at the start of Chapter 1, but I guess I'd assume that that's going to be a recurring theme. Right now I'm utterly confused in general, but also fully intrigued, and I truly WANT to read more.

[Deana]

This writer expects too much from his reader. A prologue, a mini-prologue and then the first chapter, and the story never really begins!

Every false beginning led down a different path. I didn't know what was going on and was too irritated to care. Was there a story or just a lot of smoke and mirrors? I don't advise you to try your readers' patience in this way.

Just get to the story and tell it.

[Deana]

Ray, I forgot to congratulate you on placing in the Top 100 sites for Writers. That's a nice feather in your cap! Well done!

[Kami]

I voted yes for both, but I have to echo Deana here in the strongest terms. There's a lot of great writing here but the story starts and stops and starts and stops and as a reader I feel jerked around. I don't think an editor or agent would read very far. I would have kept reading in the hopes that the story settled down, but bear in mind that my impression comes from 16 lines of prologue and then the first chapter. If I'd read a longer prologue, and then gotten pulled back into the 1978 stuff, and then restarted at Chapter One I would have given up and my votes would be nos on both counts.

I hope that helps!

Re: Top 100--Woot!

[Jessica]

I couldn't figure out what the first two paragraphs of the prologue had to do with the rest of it. Who was the relationship with, and why was it ending? And what did it have to do with the behind-closed-doors at the Mormon temple? All story questions, but they confused me, rather than made me want more.

Regarding the chapter, the presentation of the news story as a clipping is something I've seen a lot. You might consider having the narrator summarize it in his own words.
Everything after the words "chapter one" was intriguing, exciting, and filled with tension. If the story had opened with this, I'd have voted "yes."

It sounds like an exciting story. Best of luck with it.

[Brutal]

Reading Notes:
This good. My tastes buds are wetted.

You’ve lost me. People think people in Salt Lake City are more interested in shopping than the Church? Flat, flat, flat.

I was starting to drool, I’m thinking about going shopping- that does sound like fun.

Yeah, another question. Let me guess this is going to nowhere too.

This is well written but it goes nowhere in the context of the question. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Did your read about the Heezan because thats you.

I don’t care what the weathers like in England.

Finally some action, some mystery.

Don’t tell me you saw the full name unless you intend to tell it to me.

–pointless.

Am I going to get a play by play about ass scratching too? Just send the damn call already.

Suggestions: Delete Prologue.

It’s a journal. I don’t like being tricked this way.

Weather. Insert yawn.

Enough of the “ it was”.

My chops are watering again
Another fast one. This falls flat, flat, flat..

I’ve seen all this before. It’s done weekly on a number of cop shows. A stabbing is old regardless of age. So is child rape. Let me guess this is about a priest molesting kiddies and the twist is, our narrators the child diddler. Ewwwwwwwww.

If you started here I might have read on you like pulling fast ones on your readers. It sucks stop it and get to the story.

You have an opportunity to establish voice here and because you break sentences every chance you get, I can’t get a sense of who our story teller is.

Yawn

Who cares

Try something like this:
Things aren’t always what they appear to be.
I sprinted down Gomez Carneiro Street sweat streaming down my chest onto my stomach. The wind gusted, a storm was brewing though there were no clouds. I shivered and threaded my way along the back streets through Central Square and headed south towards the Harbour Area. Right past were Augustos Santo was stabbed, raped and strangled with his own shirt. His murder left hanging from a tree beside train tracks that link the harbour to the meat packing plant, Anglo Inc. The nine-year old’s naked body was found last Sunday around 7 a.m.
Why the hell do I know this? Because I was there - in that very city! - pacing through a half empty Wal-Mart parking lot pushing my groceries toward my truck when I decided that our relationship had to come to an end.

[mai]

The presumed narrator-to-reader intimacy of the prologue was negated by language that wasn't loose and causal enough. The narrator has too much distance from himself.

The chapter opening starts strongly, but it's a strange structure to have the news report above the chapter heading. I see no literary reason for it. In the last paragraph of the chapter opening, "sweat streaming down my chest onto my stomach" takes me out of the story because it gets me thinking about the shape the runner is in. I thought "threaded my way back and forth" had a feel that wasn't consistent with a focused runner's progress. Threading is something that's carefully, and usually slowly, done.

I wanted more nuanced flavor to the prologue, so I didn't turn the page there. I did on the first chapter, despite the awkward bits, as the story was immediately and deeply gripping.

[mai]

I responded to what the weather was like in England. I thought it was a deft touch that pulled the reader up and away in a high long shot, making for a sense of geographic/time distance, and implied emotional backstory. It got the reader looking at the far-away view without losing sight of the narrator.