Flogometer for Sheri: would you keep reading?

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Thank you to everyone who contributed to my quest for a better title for my writing book. I chose one suggested by Jeanne Tomlin: Flogging the Quill: Crafting a Novel that Sells. There were many good and thoughtful suggestions, but this one seemed to be the best combination of the “brand” and a benefit to the writer. The new website is up and running, please visit. This may shift the availability of the book to February because I now need to get a new ISBN number, among other things, before printing. Now back to flogging.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Sheri’s first 16 lines

Lily laughed. She couldn’t believe she was taking her friend Victor’s advice. She had to give the guy credit though, he was a psychologist. He also knew how stubborn she was and the therapist in him couldn’t stand to see her in her present condition.

“It’s called journaling therapy.” He had said. “Just give it a try.”

Alone in her home, Lily picked up her pen and a notebook, and began to write.

“I don’t know why I didn’t do this sooner. I have had decades to do it…now is as good a time as any. Victor said ‘letting it all out’ on paper would help, and ‘keeping it in is destructive’. I’m not sure what he meant but I’ll give it a try. I’m unsure of where to start, so I’ll start from the beginning.

“Although I do not like to reflect on my past, I do so for therapeutic reasons…to keep myself in perspective. So it is to you, my invisible reader to not judge me. Although you may not really exist in any form, you are my confidant. You will not judge me and you will not betray me. It is a lonely world I live in, I guess it doesn’t have to be; there are others like myself, but not really. They come from different times than I do. They understand some things about me, but not all. There is one big difference between most of them and myself, but I feel I must explain first, you know, for my own benefit.

I didn’t move on
Despite a nice, conversational voice, the result for me was that this seemed like all “talk” and little story. In fact, the chapter, 14 pages, turned out to be backstory as related by this character—“throat-clearing,” the exposition of things the author feels we need to know so we’ll understand the story to come. I’d rather get to the story. I haven’t seen more, but I have a feeling that the best start is in chapter 2 or later. If, as I suspect, this chapter isn’t really necessary, then I’d have to question the journaling device. Even if it is needed, I’d want to learn why the psychologist is having her do this—what problem is it supposed to deal with, what is her “present condition”?

Bottom line, if the whole novel is this chatty narrative that takes side trips—in scanning the rest of the chapter, I came across several “back to’s” (“back to my mother. . .” and “back to my childhood. . .”), and that wandering isn’t, well, compelling for this reader. Some picky notes:

Lily laughed. She couldn’t believe she was taking her friend Victor’s advice. She had to give the guy credit though, he was a psychologist. He also knew how stubborn she was and the therapist in him couldn’t stand to see her in her present condition. (What condition? Specifics make it real. For example, “couldn’t stand to see her waking up every night screaming from night terrors.” Give the reader something they can understand.)

“It’s called journaling therapy,” Hhe had said. “Just give it a try.”

Alone in her home, Lily picked up her pen and a notebook, and began to write. (If we’re in her point of view, she wouldn’t be thinking “I’m alone in my home.” This could use some more scene-setting through experiential description [covered in my forthcoming book]. For example: Feeling safely alone and comfortable in her parlor, surrounded by antiques that were more old friends than furniture, she placed a blank journal on a lap desk and readied a pen. Just a thought-starter for direction.)

“I don’t know why I didn’t do this sooner. I have had decades to do it…now is as good a time as any. Victor said ‘letting it all out’ on paper would help, and ‘keeping it in is destructive’. I’m not sure what he meant but I’ll give it a try. I’m unsure of where to start, so I’ll start from the beginning. (What he said seems pretty clear to me. If she’s an intelligent woman, would she really not be sure of what he meant?)

“Although I do not like to reflect on my past, I do so for therapeutic reasons…to keep myself in perspective. So it is to you, my invisible reader to not judge me. Although you may not really exist in any form, you are my confidant. You will not judge me and you will not betray me. It is a lonely world I live in, I guess it doesn’t have to be; there are others like myself, but not really. They come from different times than I do. They understand some things about me, but not all. There is one big difference between most of them and myself, but I feel I must explain first, you know, for my own benefit. (The part I cut was, for me, overwriting. This narrator is very concerned with herself, while the reader is concerned with the story. Where is it? What is it?)

It would take a look at more of the book, but my sense of it with this limited information is that Sheri has a good story to tell, but needs to make it come alive. First-person narration doesn’t have to feel like “telling” instead of “showing,” but this does, for me.

Comments, anyone?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Scott V]

I felt like this passage would have worked with some editing somewhere else in the book, but not the beginning. There is little to draw the reader in and push him on to the rest of the chapter.

[Jessica]

I loved the narrative voice in the first paragraph: the conversational tone, the hint of a problem. But I wanted to see what the problem *was*, which would have told me what kind of book it was going to be. Is it a supernatural problem? A relationship problem? A crime? A political situation?

I voted "no," but would probably have voted "yes" if the following paragraphs had stated the problem, rather than elaborated on the therapeutic technique. I thought the writing was strong and clear. If the story is strong and clear to match, it's probably a good one.

[Maya]

I agree-- this person seems like a good writer with the kind of voice that I enjoy reading, but I was very confused by this first page. I actually wondered if the rest of the book would be journal entries set off by quotation marks in each paragraph! Personally, btw, I prefer italics rather than quotes to indicate written work... is there any convention for this, Ray?

Btw, I like the new cover! It's bold! I love the font you use on this page, though, and those lines in your logo-- any way you could work those in? I would be happy, btw, to exchange a cartoon image of a cat feverishly writing with a quill pen for a flogging. :)

[Ray Rhamey]

Maya, you tempt me regarding the illustration. As for the fonts and lines, with the one I use on this blog the fine-line parts of the letters disappear at the small sizes required on the web, as do the horizontal lines. So for the book and the new website, I chose the American Typewriter font as "writerish" and sufficiently bold to be read at a small size.

Thanks for the thought.

[Eric]

There's no conflict here and a great deal of repetition. Addressing "my invisible reader" brought me to a full stop. It seems both archaic and painfully self-conscious.

Over on the Author!Author! blog, they've been reviewing red flags on the first page that cause agents and editors to stop reading. http://www.annemini.com/ Like Ray's advice, it's worth a perusal to help focus the first page.

[Norm]

I voted no. I really liked the first two sentences. But then I perceived a head-hop that caught me up short (I could be wrong). I could have let that go had we gone forward. The diary entries were a way of going back. If the story is in the past then we should start in the past.

Ray, this may be answered in your new FTQ book; lots of writers try for the omniscient narrator. What constitutes an omniscient narrator and how is it established?

For instance, in the first paragraph I had the feeling I was in Lily's POV then the narration ejected me and plunked me into the the therapist's POV: "He also knew how stubborn she was and the therapist in him..."

When is it omniscient POV? And when is the story POV simply ambiguous (No POV)? By bouncing from one mind to another's in the very first paragraph, has the Sheri established an omniscient POV?

[Ray Rhamey]

Norm, your question about omniscient pov is a little large for comments. Perhaps I'll do a post on it. There is discussion of pov in the book, but not in depth. The focus is on avoiding head-hopping.

I didn't see the narrative in the first paragraph as a pov shift--I took it as something that the narrator could reasonably know from discussions with the shrink. Shows you how tricky this can be.

[Norm]

Elizabeth George's book, "Write Away," gives Alice Hoffman's "Second Nature" as a good example of omniscient POV. I didn't see in the part she cited any interior monologues or thoughts.

Being a newby/wannabe writer, I tend to be gun shy (or on high alert) about head hops. Those two sentences could be interpreted a couple ways, and my assumption is that a newby won't get the benefit of the doubt.

[Kami]

Although it started out just fine, the journal entry is a little too self-conscious and I think that the character is too cautious and self-effacing. I know this is how I might start working out my thought process in a therapeutic journal, but it doesn't grab. Contrast this with the journal entries in "What Dreams May Come," which were accompanied by some really stark and evocative images.

It's possible that because the journal stuff came in the middle of the movie, I was already engaged, but I think it's more than that. The journal entries sounded like a person who was on the edge of another breakdown. The stress oozed out of every word and poisoned the otherwise beautiful images.

I hope that inspires and helps you. Good luck!

[Mai]

The first half of the opening shows this author's writing skills, which made me anticipate a story, but none came. The second half had a slightly condescending tone that stopped me from turning the page, or even expecting a story anymore. The overall experience was frustrating. I'd love to read more by this author in the future. I think the potential is there for very good writing.