Flogometer for Richard. Would you keep reading?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Richard has returned for a reflog. His first 16 lines:

There was a bang on the door. William flinched, breaking the pen he held. He looked up from the report he was reading to see the door tremble on its hinges.

BANG BANG

Rising from his chair he froze when there was another bang. The hairs on the back of his neck stood up. He looked to Mr Prince’s door. It was his doing he was in the office this late. He wanted to call out but fear held him.

BANG BANG

He shuddered at the sound. He walked to the door but stopped when he almost gagged. What was that? It smelt like rotten meat. He held his nerve and opened the door. His eyes watered at the increased intensity of the smell but he could tell it was someone of imposing stature. He rubbed his eyes and looked again. It was a man, looking completely out of place wearing a travelling coat with a hood. The rim of the hood came down to his nose, covering his eyes, yet William had a feeling he was being looked at. The sight of several scars around the man’s mouth made William recoil. He was soaking wet, a trail of mud footprints following behind him. But it hadn’t rained today?

‘I’m here to see Mr Prince.’ He sounded like a heavy smoker.

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I balked
Richard is working to give us a tense scene at the opening of his novel, which I think is the right thing to do, but at this stage craft issues are holding this reader back. There are places where I feel it’s overwritten, and underwritten in others. And there’s a staging issue, too. Notes:

There was a bang on the door. William flinched, breaking the pen he held. He looked up from the report he was reading to see the door tremble on its hinges. A staging issue here, for one thing. He sees the door trembling some seconds after the bank on the door, which suggests that it keeps vibrating after the blow. And that doesn’t seem possible to me. A door just wouldn’t do that. This could be considerably more crisp, to. Thoughtstarter: William flinched at a bang on the office door, breaking his pen. He looked up from the report, and a second bang made the door tremble. This is not polished, but you get the idea. And it eliminates the “sound” narrative that follows this paragraph.)

BANG BANG

Rising from his chair, he froze when there was another bang. The hairs on the back of his neck stood up. He looked to Mr Prince’s door. It was late and his doing he was in the office this late. He he wanted to call out, but fear held him. (The cuts here are to illustrate making the action crisper. Also, I found the “his doing he” wording confusing and it took me out of the story for a moment to sort out the pronouns.)

BANG BANG

He shuddered at the sound. He walked to the door but stopped when he almost gagged , but he could tell huge man, maybe seven feet tall, looking completely out of place wearing a travelling coat with a hood. The rim of the hood came down to his nose, covering his eyes, yet William had a feeling he was being looked at. The sight of several scars around the man’s mouth made William recoil. He The man was soaking wet, a trail of mud footprints following behind him. But it hadn’t rained today.? I think we’ve got the “banging” part down, and adding more didn’t build suspense for me—rather, it delayed the story. Same for the hesitation about identifying the smell—just let the reader know and keep moving. For me, “imposing stature” is telling, so I added a suggestion. “several” scars is vague—how about a number? A half dozen sounds gruesome. And you don’t need “the sight of”—just see them. The antecedent for the pronoun in the “soaking wet” sentence is William, the last person mentioned, so clarification was needed.)

‘I’m here to see Mr Prince.’ He sounded like a heavy smoker. (“sounded like” is telling. Can you show? For example, His voice had the rasp of a heavy smoker. Just a thoughtstarter.)

Keep at it, Richard, there’s a good story waiting. I feel that the writing at this point is weighing it down, and that you need to focus on keeping it crisp and experiential.

Comments, anyone?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Holly]

I had many of the same issues as Ray. I also had trouble with the following, "His eyes watered at the increased intensity of the smell but he could tell it was someone of imposing stature."

[Scott V]

In my opinion the opening was a bit labored. It took a while to get any motion, any action. You can see where the tension is going to be, but you have to get to it.

Just my .02

[Mai]

I agree with Ray's last comment:

"...focus on keeping it crisp and experiential."

There's an intriguing story waiting in the wings here.

[Jessica]

I liked the setup, the events. I'm dying to know who the creepy visitor is.

At the same time, the overwriting stopped me. If you wanted to keep it "crisp and experiential," (Ray's words, I couldn't have said it better), you might consider going over every sentence and trimming the words that don't absolutely have to be there: adverbs, adjectives, descriptors of all types.

William flinched, breaking the pen he held. his pen. He looked up from the report he was reading to see the door tremble on its hinges.

And so on.

And the BANG BANG got in the way for me. Other people might disagree, but I found it irritating.

I liked the content and think that it's a powerful, tension-filled beginning. But the prose needs to be trimmed for that tension to really crackle.

[Kami]

I think this is an improvement and I wanted to know what happened, but like others have mentioned, the writing got in the way. That last paragraph was particularly troublesome.

He shuddered at the sound. He walked to the door but stopped when he almost gagged.

If he's too scared to call out, why in the world would he be able to walk to the source of the scary stuff? And then he opens the door. Really? Why?

What was that? It smelt

this is proper usage but I associate it with fish and metal works first, the sensory info last.

like rotten meat. He held his nerve and opened the door. His eyes watered at the increased intensity of the smell but he could tell it was someone of imposing stature.

This isn't the normal order of notice, at least not for me. When I open a door someone's stature is going to pop out. Yes, it's sort of a simultaneous thing in this case, but we already know he smells bad, so give the new information first and don't worry about filtering it through watering eyes. IMHO, that doesn't add anything. Neither does rubbing his eyes. He should be so scared that he backs away, unless he's got a compelling reason to hang around (or he's used to this sort of thing.)

He rubbed his eyes and looked again. It was a man, looking completely out of place wearing a travelling coat with a hood.

The 'out of place' isn't necessary. It only begs the question of why that would seem out of place. More important to just describe this walking corpse as quickly and efficiently as possible.

The rim of the hood came down to his nose, covering his eyes, yet William had a feeling he was being looked at. The sight of several scars around the man’s mouth made William recoil.

I'd rather get details about the scars than have William keep recoiling without actually moving. Something along the lines of "several scars puckered the mouth into a starfish shape" or whatever.

He was soaking wet, a trail of mud footprints following behind him. But it hadn’t rained today?

The last sentence shouldn't have a question mark. But it hadn't rained today. Had it rained today? I think the first works better.

Keep working on making those descriptions as quick and juicy as you can and keep the story moving forward. I hope this helps!