Flogometer for Miriam would you keep reading?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Miriam has sent a very brief prologue (below is all there is, just 8 manuscript lines) and a first chapter. The prologue:

At the age of seven, in the one-thousandth year of the Sangitian Empire, Katrin Satogo was left at the gates of the Houses of a Thousand Dolls. She had three things she could call her own: a memory of loving parents, a tiger-shaped mark under her left collarbone and a puffy yellow kitten who insisted on being called Jerrit.

Too young to be useful, and too old to be Groomed, Katrin spent her days running errands, and exploring the Houses. But her favorite place, her secret place, was a hidden clearing in the maze-like, central gardens. Here she belonged as nowhere else, staring up at the gray roof of Beyond, while her fingers stroked Jerrit’s fur, and the House’s tribe of cats slept in piles around her...

The first 16 lines of Miriam’s first chapter:

1017 B.E. The Year of the Serpent

Twelve days.... Twelve days...

The refrain pounded in Katrin Satogo's head as she stared up at the slate-gray of Beyond. Twelve days until the yearly Redeeming Ceremony, where the girls from the Houses were claimed by their Spokens or set up in a trade.

Twelve days...

Hello? Katrin? Did you hear my question? The low mind-voice cut into her thoughts. Katrin shook herself and looked down at the heavy weight of cat in her lap. Jerrit's yellow fur was turning dark gold, a sure sign that the light was dimming.

Katrin took a deep breath to steady herself, savoring the smell of ginger and beef vindal as it drifted over the garden.

“What do you think is up there?” she asked out loud, trying to change the subject. “Past the gray, I mean. On the other side of Beyond?”

Who knows? Jerrit sent, bending his head back to lick his shoulder. I asked you what you were going to do about the Redeeming?

Katrin rubbed her hand over her face. “I don't know, Jerrit. What can I do? I have no Spoken and no trade. It's not as though I can just walk up to random people at the Redeeming (snip)

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Both worked for me
The prologue: the brevity helped—it was easy to absorb in one quick bite. It introduced an interesting new world, and a unique character. It may be because I like cats that that element helped bring me through. The voice is strong and clear, too, and it confidently promised more good writing ahead.

The chapter opening would probably have done fine without the prologue. Same good voice, and story questions were raised about a character in whom I was already interested by virtue of the mini-prologue. Nice work.

Two clarity questions, though: There’s this sentence:

Jerrit's yellow fur was turning dark gold, a sure sign that the light was dimming.

This could have two meanings. 1, it was getting dark. If that’s it, then it’s overwritten, IMO, and could have been done much more crisply. 2, the light available to her world was decreasing. If that’s so, then make it more clear as it would raise another good story question and perhaps add to jeopardy.

Then there’s an age question: since Katrin was 7 when she arrived in the 1000th year, 1017 would make her 24. Is that what you mean? If so, she’s a young woman rather than a girl.

A third thought: I’d consider increasing the tension by adding something like this to the end of the third paragraph:

The refrain pounded in Katrin Satogo's head as she stared up at the slate-gray of Beyond. Twelve days until the yearly Redeeming Ceremony, where the girls from the Houses were claimed by their Spokens or set up in a trade. Except, she feared, for her.

One last thought: if it were possible to include one more element in this opening, perhaps by cutting the reference to the light or the spicy aroma, a hint of the stakes for not being properly "redeemed" might increase tension. She gets to that later, but why not now? Also at the end of the third paragraph, for example?

Comments, anyone?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Darcy]

Really nice. I agree with Ray's comment about the "dimming light". I liked the reference to the cat's fur color appearing deeper and would keep that aspect, but the line could be clearer. But that notwithstanding, I wish I had the book in my hands to turn the page right now. :)

[Dan]

The prologue is backstory. It's well written, but is it necessary?

[Millar Prescott]

Yes, I agree. Very nice. I love the world Miriam hints at and I'd would definitely read further.

[Jodi]

Very interesting world, but the prologue reads like a synopsis, so I didn't like it and didn't feel it really fit the tone.

And since she first thinks about the Redeeming, then the cat asks her, I think it might read more smoothly if you start with her asking the more idle/escapist question, then have the cat remind her about what will she do concerning the Redeeming, then she can think on what a Redeeming is and what she can do about it. Otherwise it feels a little jagged or redundant or something like that.

Hope that helps. Your world-building sounds really imaginative and original, and I just don't see much of that lately, so I really hope you can get this published.

Jodi

[Scott V]

Too much for me. I like to have to work to find out what's going on, but in this case there is too little to work with. I wasn't drawn in by what I read.

[Kami]

This was a very near miss, but still a no for me. Holding back the action frustrated me. I would much rather be at the Ceremony than thinking about it, I guess, or at least have them trying to do something instead of sitting in a garden talking. I know there are other people around, but the place feels empty.

I thought the prologue was stronger than the opening and I would want it to remain and even be expanded to include whether she was happy. Is she happy to be so isolated? She seems to choose to be a loner.

Judging by the way the cat is acting the stakes seem to be low. Whatever negative thing might happen if she doesn't make whatever connection she wants to make at the Redeeming (it's all so vague) doesn't appear to endanger these two in any tangible way. They're both relaxed (or at least the cat is--there are a few indications that Katrin may be mildly worried and/or annoyed.) The refrain is twelve days, which works to set up a time limit/tension, except I don't know what the stakes are. There's an if, but no than. If in twelve days she doesn't do whatever she has to do at the Redeeming (I don't know what that is, so no help there) than ... what? She doesn't get cake on her birthday? She's killed? It could be both or neither or anything in between, emotional, physical, spiritual or some combination thereof. I'm shut outside the moment.

The Beyond is mentioned three times, and all I know about it is that the border is gray. It's not so much of a story question as a story wall. It wouldn't feel that way if there was some anxiety about it or something to make it more compelling. Usually big unknowns are terrifying, especially if it turns out she'll be kicked out if she doesn't do whatever she needs to do for the Redeeming. Also, now that I think about it (since this is a secondary thought, it may not be relevant to an opening) why is everyone else having a good ol' time with the Redeeming and she's somehow left out? Is she the only orphan here? Are all orphans in her same situation? Is there no mechanism for her to succeed? Why is she having this problem? Is it her fault or the temple's?

The prose and the setting have so much promise, and yet I feel like I'm getting milk when I could be getting cream.

I hope this helps!

[Miriam Forster]

Thanks everyone for the great comments! I definitely agree the cat's fur line is awkward. And Katrin is seventeen, the mixed-up date is because I can't do math.

Thanks again!

[Julie Butcher-Fedynich]

Miriam,

I liked it, and I don't have a cat! I would read more.

-Julie

[Maya]

I liked the STORY in the prologue, but I didn't like it AS prologue, if that makes sense. I like it when prologues develop a sense of mystery and questions-- if they don't quite make sense right away but keep me wondering as I read and eventually, suddenly become clear. I agree, this just felt like a backstory dump. It's so short that I think you might be able to slip it into your first chapter without Ray yelling at you. :)

Maya

[Mai]

Yes for both. The closeness of two references to the gray Beyond was awkward, but otherwise I was pulled right in. The story's world, characters and premises were very interesting, and I wanted to know more. Nice writing.