Flogometer for Mike would you keep reading?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Mike’s first 16 lines of a YA fantasy:

Jealousy! No, too strong..., more like… envy, Shaylar corrected himself.

A magnificent gray wolf materialized from the swirling mist over the Pool and jumped to Pajdo’s side. Murmurs of approval and astonishment erupted from the previously apprehensive crowd. A few respectfully quieted cheers joined the murmurs.

Wrong! Definitely jealousy!

Moving forward to congratulate his best friend, Shaylar stepped on the inseam of his ceremonial robe. Cursing the oversized robe under his breath while stumbling forward to right himself, he found himself precariously approaching the edge of the Summoning Pool. Stopping just short of falling in, he flushed angrily as muffled laughter bubbled from the crowd. The laughter abruptly hushed as the now calm waters began roiling again; emitting chaotic tendrils of vapor several times their earlier size.

“Step back from the Pool at once!” yelled the Summoning Seer, making no attempt to hide the fear in her usually calm voice, “Get back now! Everybody!"

Shaylar stood transfixed, staring at the wispy shape starting to take form, paralyzed by a set of glowing eyes boring into him. The figure rose menacingly, towering above him. Horrified, unable to run, he found his mind wrestling to identify the creature congealing (snip)

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Craft issues a barricade for me
The good news is that Mike started with a scene, and a potentially dramatic one at that. The not-so-good news is that, for me, it’s overwritten, with way too many adjectives and adverbs killing the pace and clouding rather than clarifying the scene. Some notes:

Jealousy! Shaylar corrected himself. No, too strong..., more like… envy. Shaylar corrected himself.

A magnificent gray wolf materialized from the swirling mist over the Pool and jumped to Pajdo’s side. Murmurs of approval and astonishment erupted from the previously apprehensive crowd. A few respectfully quieted cheers joined the murmurs. (Later we learn that the wolf is Pajdo’s “familiar,” and that these people have them. This would be a good time to include that interesting tidbit, and it would be easy to do. Thoughtstarter: …cheers joined the murmers at the sight of such a powerful new Familiar for Padjo.)

Wrong! Definitely jealousy! (I realize that you’re working on characterizing this character, but if the jealousy thing doesn’t affect the story that follows, and reading ahead I got the idea that it doesn’t, I’d cut it here. It takes up space where you need to hook the reader, and Shaylar’s envious feelings are not a terribly dramatic hook for this reader.)

Moving forward to congratulate his best friend, Shaylar stepped on the inseam of his ceremonial robe. Cursing the oversized robe under his breath while stumbling forward to right himself, he found himself precariously approaching to the edge of the Summoning Pool. Stopping just short of falling in, he flushed angrily as muffled laughter bubbled from the crowd. The laughter abruptly hushed as tThe now calm waters began roiling again, emitting chaotic tendrils of vapor several times their earlier size. (Likewise, if his clumsiness doesn’t affect the story later, you don’t need hit here. Just get him to the edge of the pool. The reference to tendrils refers to things the reader hasn’t seen—all we know about is swirling mist. If you want tendrils, they belong up front, too, as in: chaotic tendrils of vapor settled into a swirling mist over the Summoning Pool, and a magnificent gray wolf sprang from it to Pajdo’s side. This way, the “larger” reference has some meaning. However, if you gave the reader pictures—for example, if the first tendrils were as thick as a finger and these were as think as a man’s wrist, we can actually see something.)

“Step back from the Pool at once!” yelled the Summoning Seer, making no attempt to hide the fear in her usually calm voice, “Get back now! Everybody!" (A point of view shift here—Shayla can’t know that the Seer is making no attempt to hide the fear. Just show us, [her voice tight and sharp instead of its usual smooth tone] the fear.)

Shaylar stood transfixed, staring at the wispy shape starting to take taking form, paralyzed by a set of glowing eyes boring that bored into him. The figure rose menacingly, towering and towered above him. Horrified, unable to run, Captivated, he found his mind wrestling tried to identify the creature congealing (snip) (I suggest avoiding the “ing” words and use past tense instead for a crisper, more active narrative.

Mike, you need to work on maintaining a consistent point of view (in a later page you head-hopped into Pajdo’s mind in the midst of a Shala scene), and start cutting adjectives and adverbs—an example that stood out in latter narrative was where a character “took a few reverse steps back.” Instead, “stepped back” would do just fine. But the story (a dragon seems to be trying to come from the mist to Shala)sounds fascinating.

Comments, anyone?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Jessica]

I agree with Ray's comments, but I voted yes. The action was exciting, and I wanted to see what came next.

At the same time, the excitement would be intensified by cutting out the excess wordage and getting Shaylar to the pool.

Good luck. It sounds like an exciting story.

[Mai]

Too many adjectives and adverbs got in the way of the story. Removing all but one ("few") from the first paragraph results in this:

"A wolf materialized from the mist over the Pool and jumped to Pajdo’s side. Murmurs erupted from the crowd. A few cheers joined the murmurs."

That makes a strong enough picture for this reader to want to know more.

I voted no on this opening, but I'd would love to read a version that's been trimmed to the bone. There's a compelling story here.

[Holly]

Where does trimmed to the bone and the dreaded "terse" fit on the prose scale? Seems to me to be a fine line and based on feedback, a new writer may tilt too far in the other direction. I know I struggle with this.
Mike, I enjoyed the page and look forward to the full visualization of the dragon. I hope you submit it for a flog.

[Sheila]

It's hard to build up tension in sixteen short lines, but I think you did a pretty good job. I read this genre and picked up that it was some sort of familiar, at least that was my guess, and I was intrigued to see what his would be. So that makes this a page turner for me.

I wasn't sure about Ray's cutting out the trip because I assumed it was the trip that sent the MC to the spot where the Summoning Pool did its thing.

Also, you can slow things down here and build up his feelings of inadequacy - the jealousy, the laughs from the crowd - have him reflect on what those mean to him and it will give us insight to his character. It will make the moment of this huge thing coming out so much more satisfying for the reader. Maybe you could say how cool wolves are, or mention some of the animals that would be really lame to get - "I'll probably get a parakeet, or a lizard.") Then, when we readers will really be rooting for him when he gets the dragon (is that right? How cool is that!)

The writing things are easy to fix once you are pointed in the right direction (thanks to Ray and the other commenters) - the head hopping and overwriting. You have an interesting story here, so keep at it.

Good luck!

[Kat]

It's a good scene, but I agree that it needs to be tightened up.

Detail: it's nigh-impossible to trip on an inseam -- that's the seam that runs along the thigh of the wearer of a pair of pants or similar item. Usually people trip on the hem -- the lower edge, often folded up a half-inch or so and sewn in place to avoid fraying. If the character is wearing a robe, it probably doesn't have an inseam at all, but it would have a hem of some sort.

Ray cut this description anyhow, but I wanted to mention in case it needs to stay in for some reason.

[Mike]

Where does trimmed to the bone and the dreaded "terse" fit on the prose scale?

[Mike]

Thank you all so much for your valuable comments and encouragement. It still astonishes me how two months of separation can leave you cringing on a re-read! I will address these shortcomings and tighten up the chapter. Thanks again!

[Deana]

Mike I hope you will consider that "tightening" your writing just so you can get your character from here to there faster is not always the best idea.

Although this piece did have an over-use of "helping" (crutch) words, I didn't think the pacing was necessarily poor. Some writers can build lots of tension by starting their stories with little more than an introduction to the main character's mindset just as the action begins.

I think if you cut down on unnecessary prose you will have lots more room for really getting the reader into the MC's dilemma, his feelings, his anxiety, excitement, etc., and what the stakes are. That, mixed with cleaned-up action, would (IMO) be a great recipe for a compelling story here.

But you are going to have to work very hard to stop over-writing. There's a reason you are getting this unanimous advice. Trim it to the bone and don't worry about the prose scale.

[Mai]

Mike and Holly, I wasn't advocating terse writing. Mike, the bare-bones writing within your style is strong enough to stand on its own, if it has to.

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Stripping a section of text all the way down is a good technique to use sometimes. Some writers will take a long section of work and remove every word that's not needed for the story, as part of their development process.

I do it in poems. It's liberating. The flaws are obvious when a poem is stripped down. It's a good technique for finding and fixing logic and sequencing problems.

I do it on a draft copy of a poem. After the poem's been stripped, I work the metaphors back into it. As I work, I usually see the metaphors I was most "in love with" were the ones I didn't need.

I think as we write from the heart, we often try to say too much all at once. The metaphors we build are too complex or overwrought because our understanding of what we're saying isn't clear at that point. By breaking the metaphors -- stripping them off, cleaning up the flow of story or poem, then working the metaphors back in -- a writer can get to that clarity.

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Recently, I started using one of those text-to-speech readers to hear my writing. I'm not good at reading my work aloud, but reading aloud is an important technique for producing good writing. It puts you in a different place, relative to your work, and you can see its strengths and problems much more clearly. It's also a good way to find "hidden" typos and punctuation flaws.

[Mai]

Here's a poem segment edited using the strip and rebuild technique and the text-to-speech reader.

Before:

turning at the sight
of a curve of cheek or hip
that love once carved
in ancient stone

After:

turning at the sight
of a cheek or hip
that once was carved
in ancient stone by love

The edited version is livelier and clearer.

In case anyone is interested in trying a text-to-speech reader, I've been using a free version from here: http://www.naturalreaders.com