Flogometer for Joseph: would you keep reading?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Joseph’s first 16 lines:

The first Friday the Thirteenth after my thirteenth birthday was an unexpectedly disaster-free day. No crossbeams collapsed at assembly. No water sprinklers went off in the middle of morning classes. No grease fires flared up in the cafeteria. It was quiet, too quiet, and the silence clogged my skull with questions like: Why couldn’t I be normal like everyone else? Why was I an accident, not just waiting to happen, but almost always happening? And why in the world was the Curse taking its sweet time in showing up today?

A sense of dread dangled over me, and the rest of the school, like a sword hanging by a horse’s hair. Students, teachers, and administrators inched closer to the edge of their seats with every tick of the clock and jumped a little higher after each bell.

By the beginning of fifth period, I lost all focus and flunked my math quiz. During sixth period, I twitched at the slightest sound and failed to listen to a lecture on Lewis and Clark. By seventh period, all I could do was stare out the window and wonder when and where the foot of misfortune would fall.

“Avery,” said Ms. Sofer from across the room, “Will you be joining us today?”

“Sorry,” I said snapping my attention back to the front of the class. “I was just…”

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Works for me
The voice is fine and plenty of story questions are raised—I wanted to learn what disaster was about to hit (unfortunately, Joseph sent only 3 pages, so I don’t know). The way Joseph escalates the character’s tension works to escalate mine, too. Some notes:

The first Friday the Thirteenth after my thirteenth birthday was an unexpectedly disaster-free day. No crossbeams collapsed at assembly. No water sprinklers went off in the middle of morning classes. No grease fires flared up in the cafeteria. It was quiet, too quiet, and the silence clogged my skull with questions, like: Why couldn’t I be normal like everyone else? Why was I an accident, not just waiting to happen, but almost always happening? And why in the world was the Curse taking its sweet time in showing up today? (A tense question—the day isn’t over, right? So, especially in order to maintain tension, shouldn’t this open with something like: So far, the first Friday the thirteenth after my thirteenth birthday had been an unexpectedly disaster-free day. This way, the outcome of the day is still to be determined.)

A sense of dread dangled over me, and the rest of the school, like a sword hanging by a horse’s hair. Students, and teachers, and administrators inched closer to the edge of their seats with every tick of the clock and jumped a little higher after each bell. (I didn’t think he’d have been in a position to see what administrators were doing. A nit, I know, but . . .)

By the beginning of fifth period, I lost all focus and flunked my math quiz. During sixth period, I twitched at the slightest sound and failed to listen to a lecture on Lewis and Clark. By seventh period, all I could do was stare out the window and wonder when and where the foot of misfortune would fall. (I liked the way this builds.)

“Avery,” said Ms. Sofer from across the room, “Will you be joining us today?”

“Sorry.,” I snapped said snapping my attention back to the front of the class. “I was just…”

Comments, anyone?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Maya]

Wow, I really liked this one... and I can't believe that it's written by a guy (?). I would definitely have liked this as a teen and would probably sneak it out of my little sister's bedroom now. :)

Is this a teen pregnancy story?

Maya

[Maya]

Oh, one more thing... I interpret "the Curse" to mean the girl's period, but I am not sure that's a way that girls today would talk about it... also, I don't think most 13-yr-olds know the exact day their periods will show up. So if this is really written by a guy, you might want to consult some ladies to check period facts. That should be a fun conversation. :) I really liked the excerpt, though.

Maya

[Maya]

hmm... I thought I already posted a quick followup comment, but I might have forgotten to submit-- sorry if this posts twice!

I just wanted to point out that while I know "the Curse" means a period, I'm not certain that 13-yr-old girls still talk about it that way. (That's why I thought this might be a teen pregnancy story.) I'm also not sure that most teenage girls know the exact day their periods will come. If this is written by a guy, you might want to consult some ladies for period facts... that should be a fun conversation. :) I loved the excerpt, though!

Maya

[Ray Rhamey]

Maya, I think the "curse" referred to here is this character's bad luck curse, always bringing accidents. And the name is Avery, which I took to be male.

[Deana]

I think the tension could be still be built effectively with some rather hefty pruning. For example:

"No crossbeams collapsed at assembly. No water sprinklers went off in the middle of morning classes. No grease fires flared up in the cafeteria."

You don't need all three of these. One or two, fine, but don't let them get in the way. And they're immediately followed by another 3-peat:

"Why couldn’t I be normal like everyone else? Why was I an accident, not just waiting to happen, but almost always happening? And why in the world was the Curse taking its sweet time in showing up today?"

Do you really need all of these? It was about this time I felt like the narrative was dragging instead of effectively building tension.

[Pat R]

This beginning speaks to my inner YA. I like the use of details such as grease fire, water sprinklers, and the lecture on Lewis and Clark. (Three-peats work for me.) The pov character combines "Why me?" with concern for the Curse's effect on his/her schoolmates. Best of all, the pov character handles language with the facility of someone who's been reading fiction under the covers, by flashlight, since the age of six.

[mai]

Yes.

[Jodi]

I like this, the voice and the fact he (or she?) is a trouble-magnet and the other people's instinctive sense of that.

However, my patience will only take so much more of teasing and hinting that he his a trouble-magnet. I want more evidence, even if it is facts from the past. Otherwise, pretty soon, I will think your main character is just whining, a bad thing in my opinion.

But so far? Very good writing :-)

Jodi

[Kami]

Works for me! There is quite a bit of teasing, but it wasn't entirely too much because the teacher came in at just the right time. I can handle only so much generalizing and internal talk about a day. I want to be present in the day experiencing it with the character.

I also took the character to be male.

I thought the "Why was I just an accident, not just waiting to happen, but always happening" line was the weakest. I'd rather be shown or told in some other way. Also, I tend to glitch on series of questions. Two in a row is pushing it. Three goes over the top, but ironically it's the first, not the last, that I was bothered by.

[Joseph Miller]

Thanks for all of the comments from everyone. They have been quite useful in figuring out how I might make this first chapter even better.

Here are a few responses:

First, "the Curse" is meant to refer to the curse of being accident prone. However, as Maya points the term "the Curse" also has connotations that the audience might read into the text. As such I am wondering if I should just cut change or cut this reference as to make it less confusing.

Secondly, Avery is a male. ;)

Thirdly, I am considering a prune of the questions down to one. How many people think the three questions add to the tension and how many think one overarching question would be just as good?

Fourthly, this short first chapter is currently followed by five action-based flashbacks of the previous five Friday the Thirteenths. I think the first chapter sets up that expectation (at least the part which is not included in the Flogometer). However, I do wonder how many people are turned off by flashbacks even those which in this case show how the character has been an accident almost always happening?

Thanks for your comments.

PS: If enough people are interested I would be willing to post the revised 1st chapter in the comments of this post so you can see how it works as a whole and make more comments.