Flogometer for Jessica: would you keep reading?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Jessica’s first 16 lines:

The orb pulsed coldly in the nest of gears above Maria Codrescu's left cheekbone. Its brass fittings whirred as the eye tracked Inspector Ravenwood's path across Codrescu's cluttered laboratory. Ravenwood wondered whether the eye was as all-seeing as it was rumored to be. When discomfort finally caused her to glance back over her shoulder, deliberately passing over the body parts that littered every horizontal surface -- hammered from brass and iron, welded together, and twitching independently of any visible stimulus -- Codrescu's plump Carpathian lips twisted in a smirk.

"Are you satisfied, then, Inspector? There are no witches here, only a humble craftsman."

"Craftsman," Ravenwood mused. "Much too modest a word for someone who makes the blind see, the deaf hear, and the lame walk."

And 'humble' was hardly the word Ravenwood would have used to describe someone who had become fabulously wealthy from the recent fad for unnecessary prosthetics. Codrescu had been in the country only two years, and already no ball or dinner party was considered fashionable without the soft clank and hum of her machinery just beneath the conversation.

"We all do what we can."

The words sounded heavy in Codrescu's mouth, possibly because of her accent, and (snip)

A “yes” from me
The glimpse of a fascinating world, strong writing, and an attractive voice pulled me on despite the technical lack of tension elements. The whole point of the first 16 lines is to raise story questions that the reader is so motivated to learn the answers to that she will turn the page, and the “what’s going on here?” question that this opening raised for me was enough to move me on.

However. . .at the end of this 4-page chapter, Jessica finally revealed what the mystery was about, and I saw no reason for her to withhold it. Perhaps intended as a surprise, I think it would have served her better on this page. In the notes below, I’ll insert the few words where I think they would add tension. Otherwise, there’s not much to pick at.

The orb pulsed coldly in the nest of gears above Maria Codrescu's left cheekbone. Its brass fittings whirred as the eye tracked Inspector Ravenwood's path across Codrescu's cluttered laboratory. Ravenwood wondered whether the eye was as all-seeing as it was rumored to be. When discomfort finally caused her to glance back over her shoulder, deliberately passing over the body parts that littered every horizontal surface -- hammered from brass and iron, welded together, and twitching independently of any visible stimulus -- Codrescu's plump Carpathian lips twisted in a smirk. (I would have given Inspector Ravenwood her first name, for one small thing. If she’s to be the protagonist, it helps connect the reader. And I’d cut “Carpathian”—I didn’t know what that referred to, and I suspect that many wouldn’t, and it pulled me out of the story. I looked it up, and it refers to the Carpathian mountains of central Europe. Who knew? I don’t think it’s necessary, and it was a speed bump.)

"Are you satisfied, then, Inspector? There are no witches here, only a humble craftsman. And certainly not a missing heiress." (For me, the addition of the focus of the inspector’s investigation helps create more story questions that I want answered.)

"Craftsman," Ravenwood mused. "Much too modest a word for someone who makes the blind see, the deaf hear, and the lame walk."

And 'humble' was hardly the word Ravenwood would have used to describe someone who had become fabulously wealthy from the recent fad for unnecessary prosthetics. Codrescu had been in the country only two years, and already no ball or dinner party was considered fashionable without the soft clank and hum of her machinery just beneath the conversation.

"We all do what we can."

The words sounded heavy in Codrescu's mouth, possibly because of her accent, and (snip)

Very nice work, Jessica. I wanted more at the end of the chapter, so you’ve done your job. I do, however, think you could work a little more tension in related to what’s going to happen next, and what the inspector needs, and what’s at stake for her.

Comments, anyone?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Kami]

This was a very near miss for me. I wanted to say yes. What hung me up were the first lines. There's a ton of information to absorb in every sentence. Orb and nest of gears? How do those relate to each other? How big? I find out it's an eye in the next line, but I have to admit it confused me. Maybe it's because I read this early in the morning and I wasn't quite awake. The name Cordrescu is a mouthful, and although I wouldn't want the characters to be on a first-named basis, mentally pronouncing that every time interrupted the narrative flow. And what sort of discomfort made her glance over her shoulder? If it's emotional, wouldn't it be more like uneasiness or nervousness?

At the same time, it's intriguing and I like the implied setting a lot. So it was a very, very reluctant no.

For the record, I was okay with the Carpathian reference, but I was born in Prague, so I may be slightly more acquainted with central and eastern Europe than some.

Really neat writing. I suspect some of my objections wouldn't affect other readers at all.

I hope this helps!

[Sheila]

I loved this.

My only nitpick was this sentence: "When discomfort finally caused her to glance back over her shoulder" - I wasn't sure which "her" you were talking about. Since Maria was introduced as a her, I thought you meant her. Ravenwood is a her, too, right?

I liked Ray's adding that element of story to the line. Although I was hooked without it, I think it makes the hook a little stronger.

I loved this line:
"no ball or dinner party was considered fashionable without the soft clank and hum of her machinery just beneath the conversation." - beautiful.

[Deana]

"No" from this picky reader. I could not enjoy it because I had too much trouble absorbing what was going on.

I didn't feel a connection with the MC, probably because I was too irritated and confused by all the coldly pulsating whirring and orbiting. But perhaps for the genre this is all fully expected and considered entertaining. I'm not quite sure.

[kathy]

I agree with Kami, too many discriptions to early. When I realized where they were (the body parts not being flesh) I had to stop and read it again, then it made sence to me.

[Timberati]

I liked it, though there was some slogging through the first sentence. I would delete it.

I might start, "Inspector Ravenwood wondered whether the eye was as all-seeing as it was rumored to be, its brass fittings whirred as it tracked her path across Maria Codrescu's cluttered laboratory."

I had one other speed bump. To me, "The words sounded heavy in Codrescu's mouth, possibly because of her accent, and..." was oddly phrased and I wondered who might be thinking that thought.

I agree with Sheila, the line, "no ball or dinner party was considered fashionable without the soft clank and hum of her machinery just beneath the conversation." told me much about the status of the "humble craftsman."

Nicely written.

- Norm

[mai]

An orb pulsing in a nest of gears suggests heat or light to me, not coldness. The first two sentences are so complex in the visual imagery they create for me that I'm thrown right out of the story. When I jump back in again, I find more density than I want to read. If someone gave me the book, I'd turn the page. If I were browsing in a bookstore or online, I wouldn't. I voted yes, though.

[Kathy]

I said yes, but I, too, was hesitant. I got confused whether the inventor(?) or the investigator was the person I was to follow. The first paragraph jumped around in POV so I was a bit confused.

However, the line "the blind see, the deaf hear, and the lame walk" really resonated with me. Nice work.

And why would Ravenwood wonder about her own device? Wouldn't she have more faith in her tools?

Just a thought. Take it for what it's worth.

[Jessica]

Thanks everyone, and Ray, especially, for all of your excellent, helpful feedback. Nothing like a fresh set of eyes, or six or seven or eight to show me things I'd never have thought of. Thank you!

Jessica

[Jodi]

I'm afraid I couldn't get passed the first paragraph. Personally, the voice (and prose) wasn't for me. Also, I got hung up on the first lines. I saw the word "orb" and assumed it was fairly large and not a synonym for eye at first. Then, at the end of the line I began to suspect it was an eye. Then in the next line, that is confirmed. That jarred me out of the flow. After that, I had a hard time . . . picturing things, so that is why I say the voice is not for me. The world-building does sound, from what I skimmed, inventive though.

Jodi

[Wendy]

I liked it, though the first sentence took some digesting; I'd find a way to rewrite it to make it clear that the orb is an eye.

Agree with Ray's suggestion to mention the mystery straight off; I wondered what had brought Ravenswood to that place, and there seems no reason not to make it clear off the top.

And I loved the same sentence that the other commenters liked. Gorgeous.