The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).
Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.
Dan’s first 16 lines:
There is a searing quality to the cold, something unrelated to temperature. Something numbing, something primal. The mind is forced to focus on immediate survival, and has no time for extraneous thought or emotion.
Outside the twentieth story window of his hotel room, back against the concrete, Dominic Grey faced the Manhattan skyline, a speck of dust on a glittering circuit board. The wind popped his sleeves, flattened his face. He closed his eyes and let the monstrous March wind cut as deep as it wanted.
Nya had been everything to him. His muse, his corner in a crowded room, his quickening. Perhaps what had happened to them in the caves beneath Great Zimbabwe had affected her more than he had realized. He thought not: he thought he didn’t know how to stay.
Nya was a child of Zimbabwe. He was not. He didn’t know how to live in her world and not remain a visitor. He wanted so much to have her peace, her sense of self, her sense of place. He had tried to make it his own, adopt it.
Somehow, disconcertingly, agonizingly, it had not been enough. He had thought her perhaps his soul mate– but what does that even mean to a restless soul?
He had left Zimbabwe a month ago and bought a one-way ticket to New York, because (snip)
(Note: the poll site seems to be down again, so please use comments to give a yes or no until the polls appear.) Didn’t capture me
Despite clean writing, this introspective moment, even if on the outside of his hotel window (but is he on a ledge? Not clear.), is backstory, and the last sentence on the page signals that the narrative is going into yet more backstory.
You might think this man is contemplating suicide, but that isn’t the case. Why he has chosen to stand on a ledge (yes, we later learn there is one, he’s not Spiderman) isn’t clear. Other than the possibility of suicide, there isn’t much tension here for me.
There’s nice writing, some interesting description, but in places more than enough for my tastes (I’m thinking of “Somehow, disconcertingly, agonizingly…”). Could be signs of overwriting to come. This makes pace an issue, and this story seems to be very slow-moving to start.
In my view, backstory like this should be woven in at the moment in the story where it’s needed to explain the character’s motives and actions as he deals with achieving whatever it is that he needs to achieve. Here it seems we’re experiencing a little bit of info dump—information the writer believes we need to understand what’s going on.
Rather than a line-by-line critique, I’ll snip 16 lines from page 5 in the manuscript. Dan, I’ve taken some liberties, snipping what seemed like excess to me and adding a few words to it. See if this is more likely to get you to turn the page (vote in comments until polls appear, please)
Comments, anyone?The phone exaggerated the Professor Viktor Radek’s clipped Slavic accent. “I just returned from Prague, and am sorting through requests for my–for our
-- assistance. A ritual murder in Berlin interests me most.”Dominic Gray gazed out his hotel room at the brown air of New York City. It had been long enough for him to be safe in Germany. “Want me to meet you there?”
“There is something more immediate with which I would like your assistance.”
Good, anything to take his mind off of Nya’s face, her voice. . .
“It’s an unusual request. A man contacted me, and we had a very brief conversation. Something very important to him has been stolen, and he would like to hire us to help him retrieve it.”
“That doesn’t sound like our line of work.”
“He wants a private investigator with an open mind and international experience, and that the matter might involve my expertise. That is all he would say.”
“Cryptic.”
“The affair might be nothing. My qualifications can attract a fringe element, but this man, something about his voice suggested otherwise. I would like you to meet with him. Are you available?”
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Public floggings available. If I can post it here,
- send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
- Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2009 Ray Rhamey
Not quite for me. I thought the first paragraph with “immediate survival…” placed Dominic in a spot from which he needed to survive, maybe a test of some sort. Perhaps placed outside the building against his will?
Paragraph two, three and four seem to lean toward suicide.
I preferred Ray’s opening.
Posted by: Holly | January 19, 2009 at 04:33 PM
I really liked the first two paragraphs of the original-- I liked the surprise in the fact that he is in Manhattan, as the first paragraph set me up to expect a man trekking through Alaska. It's intriguing that he feels the need to get such a primal experience even in NYC. I actually voted that I wouldn't turn the page on the original, but I was conflicted. It's not the kind of thing I tend to read, and the fact that it was obviously about to go into backstory didn't make me wonder what would happen next. Still, I was much more interested in this story than my vote would reveal! I do agree with Ray, though, and I like the new opening.
Ray, a lot of people seem to open with a generalization rather than a specific look at their characters. (Reminds me of Jane Austen: "It is a well-known truth that single men with large fortunes are in want of a wife...") Do you think this is a good strategy?
Maya
Posted by: Maya | January 20, 2009 at 01:19 AM
I would have turned the page on the original beginning, but not on the excerpt. There were enough story questions raised to pique my interest and I was curious as to how he would exit that ledge (the existence of which I thought pretty much went without saying). I liked the image of him against the building being like a speck of dust on a circuit board and the contrast of that insignificance with the immediate raw feel of the wind and the terror of being on a ledge.
I would rather have seen the final sentence return to what was going on right now instead of heading off into back story, but otherwise, it was enough for me.
For me, the excerpt would have been too vague--about the missing item, about what his expertise was--to compel me to turn it if it were the first page. Also, I found the conversation awkward. I had to take a moment to be sure the third line of dialogue was from the original speaker, because there was no segue between the topic he introduced--the ritual murder--and the shift to "something more immediate".
It would have flowed better for me like this: "Actually, there is something more immediate..." or "A ritual murder in Berlin interests me most, however, there is something more immediate with which I would like your assistance.” Maybe it's just me, but it slowed me down enough to notice. Otherwise, I think the author is skillful at depicting the scene.
I would happily have read more.
Posted by: Darcy | January 20, 2009 at 06:48 AM
No on both from me, sorry.
The first opening was better as openings go, but the voice was not for me. Too pompous and full of itself. Story first, please, not author's parlor tricks. The man behind the curtain should never be visible.
I thought the second opening was truly awful. The dialogue was stilted and made me think of Joe Friday with a Shakespeare complex. Yikes!
Posted by: Deana | January 20, 2009 at 07:02 AM
This opening has an anguished character in physical danger in a spectacular setting. It pulled me into the story. But I resisted the pull. Thinking about it, I realized I'd have turned the page because of the literary quality of the writing and the character's situation. I'd have done it hoping for tighter editing on subsequent pages. Someone browsing in a book store or reading an Amazon "Look Inside" preview might not take the time to think about it.
Lyrical digressions, while beautiful, can do a lot to obscure what's going on. The character's sense of failure at this point in the story is important. It opens up a spectrum of story questions and creates instant sympathy. Using more simplicity would define the character's predicament more powerfully and strengthen the story by revealing it more candidly. More simplicity would also create stronger contrast for the lyricism that's retained, which would make that remaining lyricism really pop.
The literary writing style is robust enough to stand up to any amount of editing.
Reordering Dan's words as a "for example"...
- - -
Outside the window of his twentieth-story hotel room, Dominic Grey faced the Manhattan skyline. He was a speck of dust on its glittering circuit board. He closed his eyes as the monstrous March wind popped his sleeves, flattened his face. He let it cut as deep as it wanted.
Nya had been everything to him. His muse, his corner in a crowded room, his quickening. She was a child of Zimbabwe. He was not. He didn’t know how to live in her world and not remain a visitor. He wanted so much to have her peace, her sense of self, her sense of place. He had tried to make it his own, adopt it. It hadn't been enough.
He had left Zimbabwe a month ago and bought a one-way ticket to New York, because he didn’t know how to stay...
Posted by: Mai | January 20, 2009 at 07:06 AM
Dan, I liked the first opening. There's some powerful emotion there. I rearranged the paragraphs and sentences and deleted a couple to focus the tension.
---
Nya had been everything to him. His muse, his corner in a crowded room, his quickening. He had thought her perhaps his soul mate.
She was a child of Zimbabwe. He was not. He didn’t know how to live in her world and not remain a visitor. He wanted so much to have her peace, her sense of self, her sense of place. He had tried to make it his own, adopt it.
Somehow, disconcertingly, agonizingly, it had not been enough.
Outside the twentieth story window of his hotel room, back against the concrete, Dominic Grey faced the Manhattan skyline. The wind popped his sleeves, flattened his face. He closed his eyes and let the monstrous March wind cut as deep as it wanted.
There is a searing quality to the cold, something unrelated to temperature. Something numbing, something primal. The mind is forced to focus on immediate survival, and has no time for extraneous thought or emotion.
Good luck with this.
Posted by: Cat | January 20, 2009 at 07:34 AM
Let's keep it constructive. Phrases such as "truly awful" do not belong on this blog. Perhaps to some the dialogue was "stilted," but to others acceptable. We're not book reviewers, out to lambaste a book with sharp barbs, but fellow writers trying to help each other out.
Posted by: Ray Rhamey | January 20, 2009 at 08:45 AM
This is the author -- Thanks everyone. This is the second book in a series, and I wanted to see how someone that has never read the first (unpublished)book would view the opening. The backstory relates to the first novel, but especially after reading these comments, I'm going to reorder it unless the first novel is published. I agree, it's too much backstory. The second is entirely stand-alone, btw. Comments were very helpful, thanks.
Posted by: Layton | January 21, 2009 at 05:42 AM
FOR DAN: I liked both the opening and the snippet from page 5. The second snippet had a lot more tension, and IMO, would have made a more gripping opening. But I also liked the original opening. The setting was so crystal clear, that the tension of wondering whether there was a suicide about to happen was enough for me. If you were to go with the original opening, though, you might consider losing the first paragraph (throat clearing) or incorporating the information into later paragraphs. All said, though, good, clean writing. I liked it, and I'd definitely have turned the page on both.
Posted by: Jessica | January 21, 2009 at 07:01 PM