Flogometer for Trudy: would you keep reading?

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Check out my new website. I've launched a new website that includes info on the new book, editing services, and workshops that I offer. Some quite positive comments are coming in, including one from NYT bestselling author Tess Gerritsen. Go to www.ftqpress.com. I'd appreciate any feedback

-- there's a contact page. And let me know if you’d like to be notified when the book is available, probably January. The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective. Note: all the Flogometer posts are here. What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative. Trudy’s first 16 lines of a YA urban fantasy/romance: The fasten seat belt light popped on with a ding, made hard to hear by the fact that my ears were completely screwed up by the altitude change, (something I always hated about flying), and the plane started making its descent to the Cancun airport. “So, you excited?” my mother asked, leaning over to look out the window next to my seat. “Um, yah, of course!” Sometimes mom was so incredibly obvious, what was I going to say to that? How could I NOT be excited about a whole week in tropical Mexico? “Well I thought you might be just a little bit nervous too, you know it is our first time out of the country?” I looked over at mom. She had her blonde hair clipped up off her face but an errant strand had fallen down and she was nervously twirling it in her fingers as she vacantly stared out at the approaching runway. “So why haven’t you ever left the country before? I mean, I know you like to travel and you and dad have the money.” “Oh I don’t know. I guess we just never had a reason, and you know your father is always so busy. It’s hard to own a business, that’s why he couldn’t even be here now of course.” She turned from the window towards me and smiled a crooked little smirk “Secretly, I think he’s afraid of flying.” This Grinch says no The writing is good and clear, the author opens with a scene—all good. And I liked the voice. But, to this reader, there was virtually no tension, nor did story questions make an appearance, and there’s no hint that this was an urban fantasy or, for that matter, a romance. I think we’re seeing “throat-clearing” here. That’s the author giving us information she thinks we need to understand the story. In my view, this story needs to start with story in media res -- in the midst of things happening. This 21-page chapter has about 9 pages of set-up and arrival at a resort in Mexico that gives us lots of detail of what it’s like to travel there. At last, things get interesting on page 9. I’m going to put in a teensy introductory bit and cut a fair amount of overwriting and then show you the first 16 lines of that narrative. Mom and I were getting settled in our room for our holiday at the Cancun Paradise resort when her face screwed up funny, like she was in pain. She bent over and dropped to her knees. “Mom, you okay?” I hopped from the bed down to the floor beside her. She let out a long breath. “That was really weird. It was like someone punched me in the stomach.” I put my arm around her and held her while she sat shaking and breathing hard, ignoring the sharp tingling sensation that seemed to flare along my whole body. Oh God, what’s wrong! I’d never seen my mom in this much pain before. We were in Mexico; did they even have hospitals here? “Mom, mom, what do you want me to do? Should I call down to the front desk, ask about a doctor or something?” “Oh no, no, it’s passing. I’m feeling better, just give me a minute.” She let out a long sigh and rose her feet. “There, that’s not so bad.” Her voice was barely above a whisper. She was standing, but she was still doubled over with her hands on her knees, panting to catch her breath. For me, that was interesting. Trudy can fill in background details as needed, but let’s get going. Trudy, you’ll see by the cuts in this passage that I think there’s plenty of trimming needed, but you should keep at it. Sounds like a good story in the making. Comments, anyone? For what it’s worth. Ray Public floggings available. If I can post it here, send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages. Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission. ARCHIVES © 2008 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Jessica]

I agree with Ray that the opening felt like throat-clearing, and voted no on the opening as is.

On the other hand, the snippet from page 9 would have made a riveting opening IMO. I think the author has a clear, engaging writing style and a good narrator. Start with a story problem, and I think it'll be a winner.

[Jon]

A no from me, alas.

Nothing happens!

Also, the relationship between mom and daughter seems a bit weird. Do they not live together, that the answer to the question the MC asks isn't already known?

And, last, the dialog is too on-the-nose:

"you know it is our first time out of the country."... "that's why he couldn't even be here now of course."

All but smacking the reader in the nose with a wet fish, there.

Something to consider when writing dialog: often people don't say what they really mean. What they -do- say, then, often reflects not only the things they hide but how they feel about them. Any conversation has hidden undercurrents - all the things that have been said on the particular topic, how the participants feel about one another at the time of the conversation, what each hopes for for themselves and for the conversation partner, etc...

In the posted sample, there -is- a nice relationship in the first two lines of dialog (exasperateable teenage daughter, mother looking to connect with her), but in the third line of dialog the tone shifts to passing-information-to-the-reader, and the character relationship disappears.

As an exercise in improving dialog, I've played with banal conversations - say, compiling a short grocery list - and written it ten or twelve different ways, with each of the participants being someone different, or having a different relationship with one another.

For example, if I were doing this exercise with a grocery list, I might try a loving mother with a rebellious teen, an exasperated mother with a rebellious teen, a life-disappointed and drug-addicted mother with a teen trying to make everything okay, a teen abused by her father and her trying-to-ignore-everything mother, a cheating husband and an innocent wife, cohabitating twenty-somethings about to break up, etc., etc., etc.

It was worth doing for me (and I periodically do stuff like this all the time; it's always worth a reminder) because it it'll quickly shows how conversations are about relationships, and how relationships are about the people involved in them. Every relationship -- however near or distant -- has its own dynamic that will inform nearly every word of nearly every conversation. Exercises like that one quickly make that clear. There are certain ways one party will say the simplest thing in one type of relationship that they'll never say in another, and vice versa.

Anyway. Hope something here is of use! Good luck with this piece!

[Kami]

I'd definitely read on with the second snippet. The first one had too many problems and didn't have a hook.

Watch out for sentences that go on too long. The opening sentence in the first sample was really, really long. I couldn't 'catch my breath' while reading.

This one is borderline in the too long department:

I put my arm around her and held her while she sat shaking and breathing hard, ignoring the sharp tingling sensation that seemed to flare along my whole body.

Otherwise the writing is strong. Interesting locale, interesting problem ... good stuff!

[Don Felipe de Santa Rosa]

Sophomoric eighth grade "What I did on my vacation" essay.

[Jon]

So is it sophomoric, or is it eighth grade, O Don Felipe the Great Whom I've Never Seen With The Balls To Post Anything?

Forgive me, anyone who isn't irritated by this post.

There's not a damn thing wrong with criticizing writing in a way that is intended to help the writer improve it; that's why we post things here. But comments like DF's are classless at best and demoralizing at worst. The writer, whatever her age or experience, deserves respect and constructive feedback, the same as she would presumably give to anyone else who posted here.

DF, please do ask Ray to post something of yours here so we can all be enlightened by your genius.

[Trudy]

Thanks to all for your comments. Everything said thus far has been usefull in one form or another; either to improve my writing or toughen my skin.

[Ray Rhamey]

Don Felipe,

Comments such as yours are not helpful, nor are they welcome. This writer is working hard to learn her craft, and has taken a big chance in putting it out there. Snarky, negative, and unconstructive comments such as yours are worse than useless.

Jon, DF has submitted something for the flogometer. I haven't evaluated it yet, but it's coming.

[Trudy]

...I am eagerly anticipating my opportunity to evaluate what must be the unequivocal apex of creative writing...

No but seriously, thanks to all for their comments, even you DF.

[Phil Cowan]

Trudy,

I apologize for my tactless disparagement of your writing. I certainly have been properly and deservedly chastised (flogged!) for my indiscretion. In the future, if I have nothing constructive to offer, I will remain silent.

Regretfully,

Phil Cowan (Don Felipe)

I'll not trouble you again,

PC