Flogometer for Sammy: would you keep reading?

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Do me the favor of visiting my new website that includes info on the new book, editing services, and workshops that I offer. Some quite positive comments are coming in, including one from NYT bestselling author Tess Gerritsen. Go to www.ftqpress.com. I'd appreciate any feedback

-- there's a contact page. And let me know if you’d like to be notified when the book is available, probably January. The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective. Note: all the Flogometer posts are here. What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative. Sammy’s first 16 lines of what seems to be a YA novel: Zackaria flew a thousand feet above the ground. She loved how the cool October wind beat against her clothes and rode the waves of her long black hair. Holding tight to the side of her jetboard, she maneuvered the vehicle into downward spirals. She performed another tight corkscrew before easing her board back toward her destination, flying through the spaces between Pantor City’s skyscrapers. Her eyes widened. She approached one of the pedestrian walkway tubes that connected one building to another. Her heart thrashed her chest with rising anticipation. Zackaria released a breath. Feeling risky in the early morning, she waited until the walkway was a dangerous distance away from her before directing her board under it. Another walkway came her way and she gasped, swerving to the right only to find herself flying straight into a building. Thinking fast, she rocketed straight up. She sailed alongside the tall skyscraper and touched the glass windows with her fingertips. Gusts of wind splashed against her face through her helmet’s window. Zackaria closed her eyes, smiling. She flew above the building and greeted the rising sun. Rays of sunlight pierced her eyes and she blinked, consuming the view of the dense city. Not enough I think we have another example of “throat-clearing” before getting to story. Although Sammy has opened with a scene and with action, he’s just having his character having fun, and there’s really no tension here. Here’s what I’d do to start with: Zackaria flew a thousand feet above the ground. She loved how the cool October wind beat against her clothes and rode the waves of her long black hair. Holding tight to the side of her jetboard, she maneuvered the vehicle it into downward spirals. She performed another tight corkscrew before easing her board back toward her destination, flying through the spaces between Pantor City’s skyscrapers. Her eyes widened. She approached one of the pedestrian walkway tubes that connected one building to another. Her heart thrashed her chest with rising anticipation. Zackaria released a breath. Feeling risky in the early morning, she waited until the walkway was a dangerous distance away from her before directing her board under it. Another walkway came her way and she gasped, swerving to the right only to find herself flying straight into a building. Thinking fast, she rocketed straight up. She sailed alongside the tall skyscraper and touched the glass windows with her fingertips. Gusts of wind splashed against her face through her helmet’s window. Zackaria closed her eyes, smiling. She flew above the building and greeted the rising sun. Rays of sunlight pierced her eyes and she blinked, consuming the view of the dense city. After the first paragraph, I’d go to this one from page 2: “If you keep playing around like that, you’ll definitely lose this race,” Chrisa said in the communicator receiver in Zackaria’s helmet receiver. So we have some overwriting and throat-clearing. That’s too bad, because much later in the chapter we learn that this is a most unusual and interesting girl with a mysterious past. Sammy, whip out that delete key and get us to the story and some tension, and then you’ll have something. Comments, anyone? For what it’s worth. Ray Your generosity helps defray the cost of hosting FtQ. Public floggings available. If I can post it here, send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages. Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission. ARCHIVES © 2008 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Kami]

Other than a bit of overwriting (rode the waves of her long black hair--it's actually her hair that rides the wind, not the other way around, and for that matter when people ride motorcycles their hair corkscrews and they feel tugging) and a lack of visceral detail (I had no sense of what it feels like to fly on a jetboard--does the engine vibrate? Does she get any freefall sensations? How fast is she going? If she's not wearing goggles does the speed pull tears from her eyes? etc.) the flow of writing is good.

The main trouble is the story so far, and I agree with Ray. There's no tension. On a deeper level, this is self-created danger, which as a reader I don't identify with much. Nor would I be excited by a race, unless something more was at stake than winning.

If this is a 'sports book' it may be a good idea to look at how these things are structured to pull the audience in. There are tons of examples in books and film, everything from Field of Dreams to The Mighty Ducks, The Natural to Brian's Song, and everything in between. Even the Quidditch subplots in Harry Potter had a structure that drew in the reader quickly. It wasn't just about winning the game. It was about growth, belonging, connecting with his father, and even succeeding against darkness (there's the blatant Slytherin is bad thing in the first book but also Harry is subconsciously proving to himself that he can 'be great' as a Gryffindor, defying the hat's implication that if he joined Slytherin he would achieve much more than he would in Gryffindor.) Sports plots, as this seems to be in the opening, can be really neat and fun but they have to be set up just right to work. Good luck!

[Julie Butcher-Fedynich]

I wanted more tension, a reason for the flying besides pleasure. I wanted to feel a competitive edge, or a pressing need for the speed. Maybe because I have so much to do that wasting time is irritating to me.

[Jessica]

I really liked this description. I thought the writing was clean, and had just enough--but not too much--sensory detail. It was an exciting scene, and I wanted more. I'd have turned the page.

At the same time, I agree with Ray, that there should have been more tension, more story questions in the opening.

But wow, I'm really impressed, and I thought it was a good start to an exciting-sounding story.

[Norm]

While Sammy gives me a new world to consider, and I liked the first sentence, “Zackaria flew a thousand feet above the ground.” it reminded me of the sequence in the first Star Trek movie where they spend a great deal of time just showing off the new USS Enterprise with special effects wizardry and forgetting that we want a story. We get the idea that Zackaria is something of a showoff or hotdog; this is not yet a story, it’s background/scenery setting.

I think Sammy is trying too hard to be colorful. I think it should be pared down and simplified. For instance, while Sammy picked different verbs, (maneuvered, vehicle, performed, destination, directing, etc.) they felt forced, possibly because there were so many. I wanted a straightforward and simple verb. A lot of times, less is more.

“She loved how the cool October wind … rode the waves of her long black hair.” This didn’t quite work for me. It’s close to a POV shift and pulled me away from the image of this girl flying around the sky.

What’s a “dangerous distance away?”

I agree with Ray. Set aside that scene setting and move into what it's about.

[Sammy]

Thank you for the flogging Ray and thanks everyone for your comments. I've really learned a lot and I've already snipped the dead-weights parts, jumping straight to the part when the sisters can't stop their vehicles. I'm happy I did this. Thanks again!

[Deana]

Sammy this isn't bad and Ray already pointed out the obvious flaws which you say you've taken care of. I just wanted to add that I saw clear signs of overwriting and would like to read your edited version.

P.S. Ray, "fair" not "fare" on the ftqpress publishing partnership page?

[Ray Rhamey]

Deana, thanks for the typo catch. There can never be too many fresh eyes.

[Sarah Jensen]

Good action, but it didn't grab me. I like these kind of stories, so I would have given you a few more pages at least. I think you've got something here, so keep working.
And I too hope to see it back here revised.