Flogometer for Phil: would you keep reading?

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Day off this coming Friday. However, stop in, I’ve a question for you then. And I hope you’ll do me the favor of visiting my new website that includes info on the new book, editing services, and workshops that I offer. Some quite positive comments are coming in, including one from NYT bestselling author Tess Gerritsen. Go to www.ftqpress.com. I'd appreciate any feedback

-- there's a contact page. And let me know if you’d like to be notified when the book is available, probably January. Happy Holidays! The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective. Note: all the Flogometer posts are here. What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative. Phil’s first 16 lines: The mouth-watering aroma of baking banana bread curled appealingly up the grand staircase, mingling with the steam of her hot shower. Finished bathing, she stepped out of the stall and into a thirsty Turkish towel. A pleasurable smile curled the corners of her full lips as the delectable scent reached her olfactory senses. She suddenly realized she was starving. She twisted the towel around her blonde tresses and paused a few seconds before the floor length mirror assessing her feminine qualities. Her beauty eluded the woman as her critical gaze swept up the 5’2” frame to her “almost” pretty face, dominated by unbelievably large emerald eyes. Honesty, empathy, and intelligence exuded from those windows of her soul; but like an anorexic, which can never be thin enough, Rebecca Rainbow could not see her feminine elegance. Moreover, her gynecologist husband, Ted, reinforced her poor self-image by harsh criticism, constantly comparing her to his patients. He often told her, “It’s a good thing you can’t get pregnant! You’re so short; you’d look like a bowling ball.” She slipped into a clinging silk dressing gown, intent on a hot slice of banana bread. As she descended the curved staircase, the oven timer sounded, reinvigorating her Pavlovian hunger pangs. However, the tone puzzled her, coming as though in surround sound. The second beep seemed to be coming from behind her in her bedroom. Her bewilderment yielded (snip) Not for this reader There's little tension here, plus craft issues. To me, strong fiction involves me by delivering the experience of a character through how the character experiences what’s happening. I cover this a lot in my upcoming book, Jump-start Your Novel with Kitty-cats in Action, which is about far more than starting a novel. But here we’re given lush (overly, for me) descriptions of the character from way outside her point of view. I don’t think a woman would think of herself in such a way. More importantly, is it important that we know about her blonde tresses and unbelievably large emerald eyes? Does her appearance figure in the story? If not, sketch it in through natural observances. If anything, her husband’s line (without being told that she’s 5’ 2”) shows us more than all the description. While Phil has give careful thought and much work to word choice, for me it’s overburdened with adjectives, adverbs, and wordy circumlocutions. For example, which better gives you the experience of the character? This: A pleasurable smile curled the corners of her full lips as the delectable scent reached her olfactory senses. Or this: She smiled at the warm, nutty aroma of fresh banana bread. Some notes on logic and other craft problems: The mouth-watering aroma of baking banana bread curled appealingly up the grand staircase, mingling with the steam of her hot shower. Finished bathing, she stepped out of the stall and into a thirsty Turkish towel. A pleasurable smile curled the corners of her full lips as the delectable scent reached her olfactory senses. She suddenly realized she was starving. She twisted the towel around her blonde tresses and paused a few seconds before the floor length mirror assessing her feminine qualities. Her beauty eluded the woman as her critical gaze swept up the 5’2” frame to her “almost” pretty face, dominated by unbelievably large emerald eyes. Honesty, empathy, and intelligence exuded from those windows of her soul; but like an anorexic, which can never be thin enough, Rebecca Rainbow could not see her feminine elegance. Moreover, her gynecologist husband, Ted, reinforced her poor self-image by harsh criticism, constantly comparing her to his patients. He often told her, “It’s a good thing you can’t get pregnant! You’re so short; you’d look like a bowling ball.” (1. (logic) I don’t see how the aroma of baking banana bread downstairs could possibly reach her inside the stall of a hot shower upstairs. Hot air and moisture flow out of such a shower, and would push any aromas away. 2. (logic) Turkish towels are large, plush towels, in my understanding entirely too large to twist around one’s blonde tresses. 3. What is a “pleasurable” smile? Pleasurable to whom? Wouldn’t it be to an observer, who is not there? 4. So how large is “unbelievably?” Are we to believe whatever size they are?) She slipped into a clinging silk dressing gown, intent on a hot slice of banana bread. As she descended the curved staircase, the oven timer sounded, reinvigorating her Pavlovian hunger pangs. However, the tone puzzled her, coming as though in surround sound. The second beep seemed to be coming from behind her in her bedroom. Her bewilderment yielded (snip) (For me, there’s overwriting and telling throughout. For example, “Her bewilderment yielded. . .” Why not, simply, “She understood when. . .”) My advice to Phil is to strip out the adverbs and most of the adjectives, then get inside Rebecca’s head and give us what she’s experiencing, which would not be “her full lips” of her “Pavlovian hunger pangs,” in my view.) I'm not mocking your writing, Phil, but only trying to show how someone could see it as over the top. I think that if you tone it down and use the vocabulary and way of speaking of your character to show her experiences, you'll clear the way for your story to come through and hook me. A shower and banana bread isn't a tension-filled hook. I understand that you're setting up what current life is like, but where's the inciting incident? Isn't it on page 7, where Rebecca learns that her husband has been killed in an accident, another woman with him? For me, there's too much throat-clearing here. Let us learn about her character through how she reacts to challenges, not banana bread. Comments, anyone? For what it’s worth. Ray Donations go to the cost of hosting FtQ. Public floggings available. If I can post it here, send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages. Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission. ARCHIVES © 2008 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Jessica]

The part that really spoke to me was the juxtaposition of Rebecca's appearance with her husband's comments. The bowling ball comment said a lot more about the relationship than was explicitly stated. This was the kernel of the conflict in the snippet. You might consider expanding it, if the conflict is going to be important to the overall story. If the MC has body issues, the smell of banana bread might cause some anxiety as well.

The writing style was too overblown for my taste. I thought Ray's advice to cut adverbs and adjectives was sound.

Good luck with this. I'm interested to see where it goes.

[Millar Prescott]

It came across as trying too hard. Sometimes a stink is just a stink.

[Jon]

No for me, alas.

There's something in Rebecca's relationship with her husband that I'd like to see brought forward and dramatized, but this piece as is doesn't tell a story.

To the writer's credit, the piece does start in motion, which is generally a good place for a book to start. Unfortunately, the motion doesn't seem consequential to this reader, instead seeming to be merely a means to let the author provide the "required" information about the character and her situation.

The write may have come across the idea "make the character want something - I don't care if it's only a glass of water." I forget whose quote that is, but it's a very useful one. What that quote doesn't cover, though, is the fact that there's only drama in a want if the want is for some reason beyond the character's immediate ability to fulfill it.

By that token, having Rebecca want a slice of banana bread does have dramatic possibilities, but in order to make it "work" dramatically there should be something external opposing her ability to get the bread.

From a sentence-level perspective, the piece relies heavily on adjectives and things like "olfactory senses" and "Pavlovian hunger pangs" to inspire the reader to enter the scene, but adjectives typically can't do that; they're garnish, not meat.*

Remember that the reader comes to a book expecting to contributes fully half of the experience (the mythical "reader's 50%"). Interpreting things for the reader with qualitative adjectives deprives the reader of the ability to contribute their portion, paradoxically distancing the reader from the text even as the writing is trying to draw them in.

There are also POV issues - we start close over Rebecca's shoulder in the first paragraph, then we back away to a more distant POV ("exuded from those windows... could not see..."). While roaming POVs can work in certain circumstances, in this case the approach made me lose confidence in the writer.

I'd also recommend skipping the mirror thing; because it's so cliche, starting a piece in front of a mirror is as close to a sure-thing rejection as a writer can ask for. :)

And a last note; as constructed, the piece might as well give the reader a character name in the first sentence, since there seems to be no reason to withhold it and the piece gives the name later in the first paragraph anyway.

So, in summary, my recommendations:

a) Tighten up the POV, or let it range from the beginning; starting close-third and then backing off to an intrusive narrator seems like rambling rather than a deliberate craft choice.

b) Give Rebecca a conflict that's evident in the first paragraph.

c) Less telling the audience; more showing the audience.

d) MANY FEWER adjectives.

Good luck with this piece!

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* Consider the following first paragraph, instead. It still has the "nothing happening" problem, but look how much more it lets the reader contribute their 50%:

The aroma of baking banana bread curled up the grand staircase, mingling with the steam of Rebecca's shower. She stepped out of the stall and into a thirsty towel. A smile curled the corners of her lips as the scent reached her. She suddenly realized she was starving.

She twisted the towel around her hair and paused a few seconds before the floor-length mirror, assessing.

[Darla]

Sorry, you lost me with all the she and her up front. I like a name to assign all the upcoming information to (which did seem like too much). I would have completely stopped reading when I hit the mirror, which is very cliche. The thoughts of her husbands view of her worked much better for me than the run down of reflected details and also would then tie in to the being hungry - thereby making me think that some hint of conflict is coming with the food and her self image.

[Kami]

I agree with all the comments about too many adjectives. It really slows the writing down. Cut a bunch, but also try to find richer words that do enough work that you don't need adjectives.
I'd like to be more in her head, too. It'll give more opportunities for voice/personality. For example, you wrote:
As she descended the curved staircase, the oven timer sounded, reinvigorating her Pavlovian hunger pangs.
Could be:
As she trotted down the curved staircase, the oven timer beeped. God help her, she started to drool like one of Pavlov's dogs.
Or:
The oven timer dinged. She charged down the stairs, drooling like a victim of Pavlovian conditioning.
Or:
The oven timer went off, but she refused to hurry down the curved stairs like one of Pavlov's dogs.

There are going to be far better ways to write this same sentence. I put about a minute into it. Developing a voice will take a lot more time than that, but once it's done it'll write in that voice easily.

Good luck!

[Don Felipe de Santa Rosa]

Dear Candid Critics (Especially Jon):
I am astonished by your objectivity in analyzing my hyperbole after my inconsiderate comment to Trudy (to whom I have apologized). I clearly see the insight offered by each one of you and I sincerely thank you for it. I have just finished reading Vanity Faire and David Copperfield and I have clumsily tried to emulate the splendid prose of Dickens and Thackeray.
Au contraire!
I shall take your words to heart and reconstruct the piece with far fewer florid adjectives and adverbs. I thank you all again for your tolerance of my rudeness and patient counsel toward my quill enhancement.
Phil Cowan (Don Felipe de Santa Rosa)

[Jon]

As classless as the original comment was, the apologies were just as classy. Thanks, Phil.

(As for emulating the Olde Tyme Masters, keep in mind that a) they were writing for a different time, and b) they were paid by the word. Certainly it can be worth trying, just to grow the writer's horizons and range, but one would have a hard time getting published writing in this style, today. If you want to try it anyway, I'd recommend re-reading, to see exactly where they the florid writing style and to what effect; one could do worse for an exercise than to rewrite a paragraph or a page substituting verbs for verbs and adjectives for adjectives to tell a different story, to see the effects that they have.)

Good luck!