Flogometer for Lorraine: would you keep reading?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Lorraine has returned with a rewritten prologue and chapter. Their first 16 lines:

Arowyn shivered and strained at her bindings, attempting once more to gaze into the lump of crystal on her lap. Her voice trembled at the ferocity of the man towering over her. "It's like I said, my lord, I can't see them anywhere in Trelvayne. The storm is hiding them, but I don't know where." The lie sat uneasily on her tongue. Averting her eyes from Vakar's, she shrank as far back into the shadows as her restraints allowed. Deception was her only hope. Nothing could undo the evil of the past, but maybe she could affect the future. It was a desperate chance but she was dead anyway. One of the hazards of being a seer is the 'seeing', and she had already seen her death.

Displeasure rippled across the king's features. "I know how seer stones work!" He snarled at the woman. "Anything that's hidden can be found by that thing. Keep looking until you see them if you want to live to enjoy the morning." His presence unnerved her. As he strode from the room the seer glanced once more into the depths of her stone, grateful for the haze of blood that hid the view of those she was protecting.

Outside, the turbulence increased. Dense clouds emptied violently, as though attempting to wash clean the stench of destruction. Arowyn finally freed her hands, wrists raw and throbbing. She moved as close to the meagre fire as her ankle chains allowed, hoping to dispel the dark misery (snip)

The first chapter opens thusly:

'Crack,' the riding whip snaked through the air, catching the young nobleman around his ankles. With one jerk Maia pulled him off balance and he toppled into the soft mud at their feet. "Oh, aren't you brave," she mocked, "running over a helpless dog in your path! Someone as mighty as you should be smart enough to know that when your horse trips over the dog, it's your own stupid fault. The horse wasn't the one who needed the beating! " The young girl stood over her captive, her face twisted in scornful fury. Two shivering farm children stood at the roadside in awe watching her temper and tongue rip the young aristocrat's ego to shreds.

Aiden thundered up on his horse to gaze drop-jawed at the scene. "What are you doing?" He grabbed Maia's elbow and swung her around to face him. In a calmer voice he said, "That's the son of Baron Rendall!"

"I know who it is, I'm not dumb, Aiden." She turned back to the source of her anger. "People who hurt helpless things are worse than animals!" She was tempted to spit out the bad taste in her mouth. Her face darkened in a fierce scowl as she slid off her mount. "I feel like leaving you here to wallow in the muck where you belong!"

Dropping her whip, she turned to stroke the abused horse. Sooner than Aiden could dismount to soothe ruffled feelings, the Young Baron unbound his feet and rose from the ground. Slashing (snip)

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You’re getting closer
For me, there are a few craft dissonances, but the action and nature of these opening scenes are good. The seer’s dire straits raised plenty of story questions, and the conflict in the chapter’s opening were good enough to keep me moving. But, still. . .

The prologue leads to a pretty traditional smuggling-the-royal-baby-away-to-be-raised-by-peasants scenario. I don’t think this is needed, unless it can be freshened by unexpected twists. This backstory could be revealed later.

Craft issues include:

• In the prologue, the prisoner is aware of the storm outside. Even though she’s a seer, we aren’t told that she uses her powers to know this.
• I wouldn’t open with ‘crack’ in the chapter. Sound effects seldom work well. You can say “With a crack,” and achieve the same result.
• I’m not sure about a “riding” whip being able to snake out. Riding whips, or crops, are usually only long enough to reach a horse’s flank by a rider in the saddle. A bullwhip, a whip used to motivate teams of oxen or horses, has the length to do what’s described.
• ”The young girl” took me out of the character’s point of view, and young doesn’t really mean anything. Find another way to let us know her age, probably when Aiden speaks to her.
• Phrases such as “her face darkened in a fierce scowl” felt over the top to me. Simplify for the best effect and pace.
  

These are just some notes, but you should be encouraged. And I urge you to look at opening with the chapter and weaving in what you need of the prologue later.

Comments, anyone?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Donations go to the cost of hosting FtQ.

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2008 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Julie Butcher-Fedynich]

The prologur is great, although I'd love it more if you started it with the part about already seeing her own death.

The first chapter had POV issues to me. How did she know her face darkened? Does she consider herself young? (Most people don't think of themselves as young, not even as teenagers)

"Sooner than Aiden could dismount to soothe ruffled feelings, the Young Baron unbound his feet and rose from the ground" This sentence either wasn't clear enough, or was too long, it lost me

Over all it looks like an interesting read.

Julie

[MCD]

I'm along for the ride, and the Aiden/Maia/Baron Rendall interaction had me ready to read on, although the craft issues would have stopped me if I'd picked this up in a book store. Still, I think those are more easily addressed than a poor story, so you're in good shape.

By the way, I thought the first chapter was stronger than the prologue (I seem to be in a minority there). A few things I noted there:

Watch out for using dialogue to explain things that should be narrated (i.e. "I know how seer stones work. Anything that's hidden ...") That seemed directed to the reader more than the seer, and felt clunky.

Also, a small thing, perhaps, but watch for cases of repetition. They can weaken the scene. For example: "His presence unnerved her." I thought this was a) a definite understatement and b) an example of telling rather than showing and c) already established and therefore unnecessary.

Hope this helps. I enjoyed the piece, and hope you keep going!

[Norm]

I liked the prologue. My hangup came with the seer having seen her own death. She will have seen her other tribulations and will know whether she will see tomorrow or not. The sentence that she had seen her own death put me into a loop of fruitless questions. Does she know the what but not the when? Otherwise, why does she tremble?

I didn't think "He snarled at the woman." was necessary and would have like him to do something, such as hit her or overturn a table. I think stage action would have showed me. "Snarled" told me something I already knew from the the previous sentence.

Setting those 'pickies' aside, I liked the writing in the prologue.

[Don Felipe de Santa Rosa]

As a reader who bears disdain for the fantasy genre, I confess I voted yes for both pieces for the first time since visiting FTQ. Perhaps some hyperbole but an intriguing entry; I wanted more. I will leave the craft critique to Ray and sufice it to say bravo, good writing!

[Alyssa]

The Prologue really caught me. It is a great way to bring you into the book.
When it says "Sooner than Aiden could dismount to soothe ruffled feelings, the Young Baron unbound his feet and rose from the ground" you should be more clear about whose feelings you are talking about. I also sugest that you use a different word other than "ruffled" it seems mild for the way she was acting.
Great writing though! It really paints a strong picture in my mind. I like it how you are being discriptive without being too wordy.

[Jodi]

I had a hard time visualizing this, which is why I got pulled out of what seemed like an interesting story. The prologue starts with the main character of the scene staring down at a crystal in her lap, then her voice shakes as she addresses her oppressor. The way it was worded made me think I missed the fact that the oppressor was already there from the get-go. Same with the opening of chapter one. I didn't understand what was going on. I understood the noble was whipped, but then I had to slow down and backtrack to realize whom was whipping whom, where the noble was (in relation to his horse), and when he managed to hurt a dog. It just seems like some visuals or facts are coming out of order. Otherwise, it's interesting. I always liked seers and I like this line: "One of the hazards of being a seer is the 'seeing', and she had already seen her death."

[Jon]

Close, but ultimately no, for me. Very close, though.

For me, the first "no" was a craft "no"; the second "no" was a story "no."

While the word choices, phrasing, flow, etc., were pretty good in the prologue, the first paragraph tried to do a little too much. (For my money, I'd cut P1 after "Deception was her only hope." and avoid her motivations; let the reader wonder why she's lying for a while...)

The second paragraph probably should have been two (one subject per paragraph!)

The third paragraph told me that she'd been tied up through the first two paragraphs--made me re-evaluate what had been going on and try to re-picture it, particularly since so much had gone on in those two paragraphs.

In the chapter excerpt, apart from the "crack" opener (this REALLY didn't work for me) (and, btw, nice catch, Ray, re: the whip; I completely missed that on my read) my complaint was mainly character; I got a Real Bad Mary Sue vibe off of it.

This may be only a personal reaction, and nothing to worry about, but for me the tiny child physically standing up to her elders for Good without fear of consequence didn't quite feel right.

In one of George Martin's Song of Ice and Fire, we have a lordling in Joffrey who does something similar, but it's for his own (evil) pleasures that he confronts his elders and terrorizes them. I found that believable for a number of reasons.

For a character to do that for Good, though, implies a background that has imbued them with not only a strong moral code, but the force of will to stand up for that code in circumstances that would be daunting for anyone. It seems to imply a number of things about her family background (noble, self-sacrificing folk who will back their daughter's actions) that seem a bit idealized to this reader.

The confluence of all, justified (or even accurate) as it may or may not have been, left me feeling like Maia is a perfect kid with a perfect family, which doesn't exist in nature; this set off my Mary Sue alerts.

So, for me -
Prologue: story, yes; writing, no;
Ch1: story, no; writing, yes.

Good luck with this one!

[Jon]

...and, re-reading my post and others, I realize that in the FIRST FRICKIN' SENTENCE the words "at her bindings" were present. So I missed -that- one. Can't blame the writer if I can't read. My apologies!