Flogometer for Kami: would you keep reading?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Kami’s first 16 lines

Red for the Goddess of Waking and Life, blue for the God of Dreams and Death, and gold for faith; Elanora's mother, the queen regent, used the décor in the ceremonial halls as a symbolic bludgeon to emphasize her point.

Elanora's first engagement ceremony had been so different. She'd been happy. Now she solemnly waited for her cue behind a gold lattice door in a side chamber while the guests mingled. At the moment it looked like an ordinary ball with the music and dancing, fine gowns and the long tables arranged with flowers and dainty food. She imagined herself as just another guest and managed a smile.

Thank God that she wore a mask. The smooth porcelain, feathers, silk and black pearls formed a joyous, smiling face, but it was so deep blue that it looked black, and gold tears sparkled on the cheeks. Nothing of her showed through.

A lone woman's voice rose above the eager conversation, full and clean. The crowd hushed. A smile colored the rich notes as she sang free form, wordless, bursting with energy. Elanora stood and a guard opened the lattice door. People gasped when they saw her.

A male musician joined his female counterpart and they improvised the fanfare. Choral members scattered among the crowd came together and the hall swelled with music. Elanora (snip)

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I was drawn on
Story questions got me, and the writing was confident, promising a good tale well told. I wanted to find out more about Elanora—why is this her second ceremony, why is she no longer happy. Admittedly, this is a low level of tension, and I think Kami ought to look for ways to add to it. For example, what it this piece of narrative from page two followed the third paragraph:

Why give in to dread? Marten was handsome, kind, intelligent, brave. This would keep the peace, as all the intermarriages among the five royal families had kept the peace for many generations.

But all she could think about was loss. Her stomach twisted up until it hurt.

Some notes:

Red for the Goddess of Waking and Life, blue for the God of Dreams and Death, and gold for faith; Elanora's mother, the queen regent, used the décor in the ceremonial halls as a symbolic bludgeon to emphasize her point. (What is her point? Why not state it here? Tell us, don’t give us hints at something that isn’t revealed.)

Elanora's first engagement ceremony had been so different. She'd been happy. Now she solemnly waited for her cue behind a gold lattice door in a side chamber while the guests mingled. At the moment it looked like an ordinary ball with the music and dancing, fine gowns and the long tables arranged with flowers and dainty food. She imagined herself as just another guest and managed a smile.

Thank God that she wore a mask. The smooth porcelain, feathers, silk and black pearls formed a joyous, smiling face, but it was so deep blue that it looked black, and gold tears sparkled on the cheeks. Nothing of her showed through.

A lone woman's voice rose above the eager conversation, full and clean. The crowd hushed. A smile colored the rich notes as she sang free form, wordless, bursting with energy. Elanora stood and a guard opened the lattice door. People gasped when they saw her.

A male voice musician joined the woman’s, his female counterpart and they improvised the fanfare. Choral members scattered among the crowd came together and the hall swelled with music. Elanora (snip) (I thought the first sentence was unnecessarily word, so suggested some trims. There are times when it’s best to keep it simple.)

Good stuff, Kami. Keep an eye on adding tension elements as you build this world, and look for tighter writing. You might want to check out my guest post on Writer Unboxed that talks about experiential description. I may put that post up here—an expanded version is in my upcoming book, Jump-start Your Novel with Kitty-cats in Action.

For what it's worth,

Donations go to the cost of hosting FtQ.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2008 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Jon]

Yes, from me.

The first paragraph lost me: egregious capitalization, and a "point" that wasn't clear to me. The unusual sentence structure was a bold choice, but for me it emphasized the "point" at the end and made me reread the sentence three or four times trying to figure out what the heck it was talking about before moving on.

Once I did move on, though, I loved it. The mask, in particular, and all the possibilities it represented -- for the character, the themes, the wedding itself, the society in which the mask was called for -- would have been enough by itself. Her not wanting to be married--and the contrast with her "first engagement" grabbed, too.

Except for the first paragraph and the re-reading it caused me, nothing but good things to say about this one. Nice work. Good luck with it!

[MCD]

I enjoyed the writing -- clean, confident. On its own, though, it wasn't enough to get a turn of the page. I felt the physcial scene was more richly described than the conflict/characters, and that's where the story is.

That said, I really liked Ray's suggestion of moving up the paragraph from page two. That gave me an anchor, and a reason to root for the main character. The fact that she's going into an arranged marriage in order to keep the peace implies a sense duty. And since the MC describes Marten in glowing terms, but is still unhappy about the wedding, I'm left thinking that the loss she mentions is something heart-wrenching involving a soul mate. Yum.

For me, this raises the emotional stakes on the whole wedding, and ups the mask-wearing from mildly sad to poignant.

So, the addition of those lines hooked me, and turned this from a "no" to an enthusiastic "go" for me. Good luck!

[Dai Alanye]

I'd have turned the page to read more, although I suspect it might ultimately turn out to be the type of fantasy that wouldn't interest me. But there was initial intrigue.

It's a personal thing, but as to style I thought, "Too many words." Let me rewrite two paragraphs to illustrate.

1. Red for the Goddess of Waking and Life, blue for the God of Dreams and Death, and gold for faith spangled the ceremonial hall. The Queen Regent's choices—Elanora's mother.

3. Thank the gods she wore a mask. Smooth porcelain of so deep a blue it looked black, feathers, silk and pearls formed a joyous face—gold tears sparkling on the cheeks. Nothing of self showed through.

[Kami]

Thanks for the great comments! Good points. I love having fresh viewpoints on my openings. I was concerned, it seemed rightly so, that Marten didn't come in soon enough.

[Kim]

I would have turned the page too--the masks and the intrigue pulled me in.

Dai's suggestions both worked better for me than the original, though, as they put me more inside the character's head. The way it's written now, it's like we step back for a moment and look at her mask, then get back inside her.

Same for 'people gasped', I feel--that's more of an outside, observational thing. What exactly does she hear? A gasp to her side from one shocked person? A stop in conversation, then a spreading murmur?

Sounds like a good story overall!

[Kim]

I would have turned the page too--the masks and the intrigue pulled me in.

Dai's suggestions both worked better for me than the original, though, as they put me more inside the character's head. The way it's written now, it's like we step back for a moment and look at her mask, then get back inside her.

Same for 'people gasped', I feel--that's more of an outside, observational thing. What exactly does she hear? A gasp to her side from one shocked person? A stop in conversation, then a spreading murmur?

Sounds like a good story overall!

[Kim]

I would have turned the page too--the masks and the intrigue pulled me in.

Dai's suggestions both worked better for me than the original, though, as they put me more inside the character's head. The way it's written now, it's like we step back for a moment and look at her mask, then get back inside her.

Same for 'people gasped', I feel--that's more of an outside, observational thing. What exactly does she hear? A gasp to her side from one shocked person? A stop in conversation, then a spreading murmur?

Sounds like a good story overall!

[Kim]

I would have turned the page too--the masks and the intrigue pulled me in.

Dai's suggestions both worked better for me than the original, though, as they put me more inside the character's head. The way it's written now, it's like we step out for a moment and look at her mask, then get back inside her.

Same for 'people gasped', I feel--that's more of an outside, observational thing. What exactly does she hear? A gasp to her side from one shocked person? A stop in conversation, then a spreading murmur?

Sounds like a good story overall!

[Kami]

Thanks Kim! Heh. I'm assuming that you had a computer issue but I'm going to tease you a bit and suggest that you must have been passionate about your response. ;-)