Flogometer for Jeanne: would you keep reading?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Jeanne’s first 16 lines:

Warmed by the crackling fire on the hearth of the inn, Wrai leaned back in his chair and tipped his slouch hat down over his eyes. Outside, the inn’s sign banged in the wind. He propped his feet up on the rungs of the wooden chair opposite him at the little table. No doubt, he looked half-asleep. Inside, he smacked his fist against the wall at being stuck in this armpit of a town. He’d promised Sharista that he’d be there for her birthday, and he wouldn’t break that promise. She wouldn’t ever have reason to think her father didn’t care. Not like his…

Wrai banged his mug down on the table. The innkeeper lifted his head to stare, so Wrai nodded to the man and tipped his hat a little further down over his eyes. No one else paid him any mind.

Middling height, neatly built, dark hair and eyes, thin moustache, he looked like nothing special. Well, Sharista’s mother had thought that he did. Damn it, he still missed her.

The storm had left ruts and potholes deep enough to swallow a horse. With the talk of war, none of the lords were repairing the roads like they should. It had been his ill-luck that the post-coach he was traveling in hit one full tilt. When the axle broke it had thrown the couch tumbling. The smith would take days making a new axle and repairing the damage. Another wasn’t scheduled through, if it came on schedule, for more two weeks. He sighed and took a sip (snip)

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I didn’t move on
While there’s nice writing here, and we do start with a scene, which is good, there were little staging and other craft issues that stopped me. And not a lot of tension—the only story question is whether or not Wrai will get to a birthday, which doesn’t seem all that problematic. Jeanne has imagined a rich world, so I have some confidence that there’s a good story to be told. Some notes:

Warmed by the crackling fire on the hearth of the inn, Wrai leaned back in his chair and tipped his slouch hat down over his eyes. Outside, the inn’s sign banged in the wind. He propped his feet up on the rungs of the wooden chair opposite him at the little table. No doubt, he looked half-asleep. Inside, he smacked his fist against the wall at being stuck in this armpit of a town. He’d promised Sharista that he’d be there for her birthday, and he wouldn’t break that promise. She wouldn’t ever have reason to think her father didn’t care. Not like his… (On the adjective cuts: most chairs are wooden, no need; “little” is a relative, conclusive word and doesn’t really give a picture, and it’s not really necessary. The “Inside, he smacked…” sentence threw me, mostly because the preceding sentence said that he looked half-asleep, and I drew from the tipping of the hat that he wanted it that way. So to smack his fist against the wall seemed the opposite of all that went before.)

Wrai banged his mug down on the table. The innkeeper lifted his head to stare, so Wrai nodded to the man and tipped his hat a little further down over his eyes. No one else paid him any mind. (Here’s where staging issues came into play. If his hat is “over” his eyes as we’ve been told, then he couldn’t see the innkeeper. And where did the mug come from? Was it in his hand when we started? Did he take a drink? For me, these two little craft issues were warning signs. When we most need clarity—the opening—we’re not getting it.)

Middling height, neatly built, dark hair and eyes, thin moustache, he looked like nothing special. Well, Sharista’s mother had thought that he did. Damn it, he still missed her. (A clear break in point of view here. He wouldn’t be describing himself to himself in this way. If his appearance is important to the story here, work in a reasonable way to include it. I don’t think it’s vital on the first page, nor is the fact that he misses Sharista’s mother, so, from a story view, this is a waste of 29 words. I would cut the whole paragraph and put the info later. On the next page, people arrive, and that could be a place for description. Wrai is avoiding attention, so he could think to himself that he didn't think that they'd notice a man of middling height...etc., but he stayed still and averted his eyes. Just a thought.)

The storm had left ruts and potholes deep enough to swallow a horse. It had been his ill-luck that the post-coach he was traveling in hit one full tilt. With the talk of war, none of the lords were repairing the roads like they should. It had been his ill-luck that the post-coach he was traveling in hit one full tilt. When the axle broke it had thrown the couch coach tumbling. The smith would take days making a new axle and repairing the damage. Another wasn’t scheduled through, if it came on schedule, for more two weeks. He sighed and took a sip (snip) (The antecedent for the pronoun “it” in the sentence I moved had the coach hitting one of the roads that weren’t being repaired. It didn’t seem that the schedule information was vital, either—we have enough to know that he will be delayed, and that seems like enough. What we don’t know yet, and perhaps it would help if we did, was what the delay will cost him, and how important to him that is.)

As I said, good writing here, it’s the storytelling that I think could use some sharpening. And pruning—too much detail (adjectives) and description slow pace. It’s definitely a very good start, though. Thanks, Jeanne.

Comments, anyone? They will help this writer.

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2008 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Scott]

I also think that this was a good start, though it could be improved. Its just a tad too slow for an opening in my opinion, and doesn't really catch my attention.

[Ing]

I would have turned the page, myself.

It was kind of close, though. I had to hesitate and think about it for a second, and that kind of hesitation might be enough reason for a more demanding reader (an agent or a customer deciding whether to spend $$) to put the book down.

I liked the voice and the setting, and those things drew me in. Still, I also did see some of the things that Ray has pointed out that need sharpening and tightening--particularly the level of tension or potential conflict (is there more to the story than a guy being late for a birthday?) and the staging of the action in the first two paragraphs.

Having turned the first page on the merits of voice and setting, my willingness to go beyond page two would depend on whether more story questions started to crackle right away. With the kind of edits Ray has suggested, I bet the story would really sing.

[Jessica]

I'd have read on, because I like the story questions, the worldbuilding and the MC. The craft issues that Ray mentioned did occur to me (and I'm certain they would occur to an editor or agent), but the story was more than enough to pull me in. You've got a great start, here!

[Kami]

I had trouble with the opening line--it read awkwardly for me. On the hearth implies something different than in a fireplace--a hearth can both mean the area in front of a fireplace or the floor of the fireplace, and because I live in a modern house the first meaning more readily springs to my mind. Anyway, even with that quibble over definition aside, it wasn't a hook.

I like the setting, but the broken axle sounds like the most exciting part and I was sorry that I was planted in an inn, comfortable and warm, and not in the midst of a serious accident. Inn could be almost anywhere at any time period from biblical to modern, so it wasn't much of a clue to the setting. But a horse-drawn carriage on a road maintained by lords--much more solid. I'd also see the urgency of attending the birthday if he's risking life, limb and discovery all at once--crawling out of the carriage, doggedly continuing, trying not to reveal his identity. By showing (instead of telling) what he's willing to go through to get to her, I'd be along for the ride and rooting for him.

Sounds like my kind of fantasy. Good luck!

[lorimac]

I agree with Ray about the staging issues and the questions raised by some of the wording, BUT I still voted yes. Maybe it's because here on our little north Pacific island we're enjoying winter's first snowfall that the first sentence about the crackling fire on the hearth pulled me right in. The writing sounded laid back and comfy, just what you need on a chilly night like this. Notwithstanding all we know about hooks, sometimes I like to slide into a novel, and I give it a paragraph or two before I decide to ditch or keep it. Even with the different issues here, I felt the attraction of the writing. Just to show what a fickle lot we readers are!

[Deana]

The screen says there have been 5 comments but I can't see any of them! Just a blank spot under the word 'COMMENTS.'

Anyway...

Jeanne, I also didn't like the line where he smacked something inside. At the very least I would use the word "inwardly" but as Ray said it didn't follow well from the previous emotion.

You're going to have to add some tension, some kind of hook to this opening. As Donald Maas says, "raise the stakes" but first you'll have to add some.

Also agree that the description of his appearance was jarring and out of place.

My suggestion is that you do some reading and really pick apart how the successful writer presents information to the reader.