Flogometer for Holly: would you keep reading?

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Call for submissions The pool of floggees is down to two, so floggings will soon cease unless more clever writers step up. See submission guidelines below. I can hardly believe that I’ve done 175 floggings this year, which is a whole lot of writers taking advantage of fresh eyes.

Not to worry, though, if I run out of floggees. There will be articles and book reviews to come. But I’d just as soon keep the Flogometer wheel turning.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Holly’s novel is a genre we haven’t seen in all those 175 submissions, a Western. Her prologue’s first 16 lines:

The boy had been hunting the day he saw the smoke. About two miles from home, a thin black column stretched up from the horizon. It looked to be near the ranch and the boy felt panic roll over him in waves. He kicked his horse into a lope, smoke was not normal, not at all. As he rode closer, his stomach knotted and unknotted in rhythm to the horse’s lope, fearing what he was going to find. Cresting the hill, he looked at the ranch. Tears rolled down his cheeks, he pulled his Colt Navy and charged into the valley. There had been an attack and he should have been home. He slowed his horse to a walk and hung his head, it was worse than he could possibly imagine.

Early that morning, he picketed his horse and pack mule in some brushy cottonwood trees by a narrow creek. There was plenty of grass and water and they would be out of sight of the buffalo. He slid the leather boot off his musket and eased out onto the flat. The sea of pale green prairie grass waved toward him as he hunkered down in a wallow waiting for the huge herd to drift close. The boy periodically wiped the sweat out of his eyes and watched the buffalo move through the grass like a slow moving flood. He was waiting for them to get within his self-imposed limit of 100 yards and when they finally did, he would take his shot. He was patient, as he knew he would only have one chance. The herd drifted toward him and the boy eased into (snip)

Sorry, pardner.
While this opening starts with a dramatic situation, it does it with “telling” rather than showing, and then slips immediately into backstory. In story terms, it doesn’t matter a whit that “the boy” had been hunting that morning. What matters is what confronts him now. For me, referring to the protagonist as “the boy” keeps me an arms-length from connecting with him. His name is Jim, and I see no reason to withhold it here.

There are craft issues as well. Since this narrative really shouldn’t go into a flashback in the second paragraph, I’ll just deal with the first one. On the story side, there’s a great deal of summary and telling that inform us but don’t give us the character’s experience. Contrary to my usual pattern, I’ll do a little more “suggesting” than usual.

The boy had been hunting the day heJimmy Krag saw the smoke. About two miles from home, a thin black column that stretched up from the horizon,. It looked to be near the ranch and the boy felt panic roll over him in waves. He kicked his horse into a lope run, smoke was not normal, not at all As he rode closer, his stomach knotted and unknotted in rhythm to the horse’s lope, fearing what he was going to find. Cresting the hill, he looked at the ranch. Tears rolled down his cheeks, he pulled his Colt Navy and charged into the valley. There had been an attack and he should have been home. He slowed his horse to a walk and hung his head, it was worse than he could possibly imagine.

When he crested the valley rim, his home was charred, smoking ashes instead of sturdy logs. He cried, “Mother!” and lashed his horse’s flanks with his reins. His stomach knotted and he fought back tears—his parents had to be all right, they were tough. (An accuracy note: a “lope” is an easy gait; he would have kicked his horse into a run. The large block of narrative I cut from the paragraph was all summary and telling, and didn’t give us a sense of what the boy was experiencing.)

Even though this is a prologue, it needs to be a strong scene with compelling action, especially for a Western. I wish I’d realized earlier that this was a prologue—I’d have asked for the first chapter to see how it started.

The boy’s family is dead, of course. He buries them, takes what valuables he can find, and rides off to go to “the only other family he had known.” I have a feeling that both this prologue and possibly some of the first chapter will be what’s called “throat-clearing”—the writer warming up to the real story with information she thinks the reader must have. This prologue could have been a wrenching first chapter if it had been done from inside the protagonist’s point of view. The situation is familiar in Western stories, and I’d look for a twist to freshen it, if possible.

Keep at it, Holly. I’m sure you have a riveting story to tell, but you need to get to it as soon as possible. It may be that the murder of Jim’s family isn’t the inciting incident. It could be whatever happens to him when he’s with his other family, something that creates in him a strong desire/need that he’s compelled to try to reach. This prologue doesn’t offer that, as yet. He’s a tragic figure, but safe, and there’s no jeopardy in his future that we know about. So why should we turn the page? Your job is to provide the answer.

Comments, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

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Donations go to the cost of hosting FtQ.

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2008 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[kathy]

As Ray commented the first paragraph had to much telling, however I thought it had an exciting scene behind it and I wanted to find out more. The second paragraph felt like an ebrupt stop in the flow.
I suggest cutting that and continue on with the action developing in the first scene.

[Dan]

There is definitely a story to be told here, but I was disappointed to run into the flashback in paragraph two. Like Ray, I found too much telling rather than showing. The first sentence was great! Use that understated, terse style the rest of the way.

[Jon]

No from me, alas.

In two paragraphs, we're in two different places and times.

There are significant cliche(1), comma splice(2), and sentence-sense (3) issues here, all of which got in my way. Too, the horse pacing seemed off (4a), and, being unacquainted with 19th century weaponry, I did wonder at the range of his musket. Might be accurate, might not, but it seemed long.

All that said, with some significant edits, it has possibilities. I'd recommend starting where the story starts and continuing until a more logical break-point before going back to the backstory (if the piece actually needs the backstory; arguably it might not). Hooking us with one paragraph of Oh No! and then going back to the history is kind of like wrapping a big nasty horsepill in chocolate; tastes good at first but then you bite through and realize that it isn't candy, it's treachery in a chocolate shell...

Good luck going forward!

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(1) "rolled over him in waves", "hung his head", "tears rolled down his cheeks", etc.

(2) "...down his cheeks, he pulled...", "...into a lope, smoke was not..." and several more

(3)

a) As he rode closer, his stomach knotted and unknotted in rhythm to the horse’s lope, fearing what he was going to find.

His stomach feared what he was going to find?

b) he pulled his Colt Navy and charged into the valley. There had been an attack and he should have been home. He slowed his horse to a walk

He's charging for just long enough to have a realization he'd already had off-the-page when he looked down, having the realization again, then slowing.

(4) The horse gait stuff seemed less than knowledgeable - see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Horse_gait; "lope" is not a horsey pattern. While our kid might not know all the fancy terminology of show horses, he'd probably know "gallop" when he came across it.

[Deana]

Is it just me, or are the following glaring grammatical errors?

"He kicked his horse into a lope, smoke was not normal, not at all."

After "lope" should be a semi-colon, not a comma.

"As he rode closer, his stomach knotted and unknotted in rhythm to the horse’s lope, fearing what he was going to find."

His stomach feared? That would be the technically correct assumption.

"Cresting the hill, he looked at the ranch."

Awkward. He crested the hill and then looked.

"Tears rolled down his cheeks, he pulled his Colt Navy and charged into the valley."

Another incorrect comma usage. Could insert "as" instead. (down his cheeks as he pulled)

"He slowed his horse to a walk and hung his head, it was worse than he could possibly imagine."

And yet another questionable comma. This is a run-on sentence, awkwardly constructed. Could be split into 2 sentences or reworded entirely.

As a reader I wouldn't get past these kinds of mistakes because I wouldn't feel I was in the hands of a capable author. So the issues of tension, character and story wouldn't matter when I can't trust that the writing itself is basically sound.

Sorry, Holly. I think you have a long way to go but I hope you keep trying because I would love to see some more good westerns on the shelves!

[Ray Rhamey]

Deanna, it's not just you. I saw the splices and other problems, but chose to focus on story issues. Thanks to sharp-eyed folks such as you, Holly is also getting good feedback on that side of things.

Thanks.

[Holly Le Roy]

Thank you all for your feedback, I especially appreciate the structure comments. Just to clear the air regarding horse gates. When a family relies on hunted food and you are trailing the families pack mule loaded with buffalo, you don't run the horse for two miles without letting go of the mule. Suppose you get home, your Pa was burning brush, and you've tied up your horse and lost your mule.
Thanks again for all your help.
Holly

[Jon]

Shouldn't the gait have been a canter, then? Or something slower? It wasn't the pace I noticed, it was the word, which doesn't seem like a horseman's word.

[Ray Rhamey]

Holly, regarding the mule you mention: it's not on page one, so the reader doesn't know about the boy leading a mule loaded with meat, only you do. Therefore it's perfectly reasonable for a reader to say why doesn't he run the horse if there's danger?

This is an important aspect of storytelling to keep in mind: the reader only knows what he's been shown/read. Because of that, everything he has read has to make sense as far as his limited information goes...except for story questions, of course. This is a matter of staging, though.

Ray

[Ray Rhamey]

Jon, I am a horseman, and "lope" is a valid pseudonym for "gallop". He loped his horse up to the corral. Riders would, I think, understand that immediately. And it's consistent with what the boy would think, since his whole society was horse and riding oriented.

For what it's worth,

Ray

[Deana]

(Off topic)
Ray, I noticed you changed your picture again. Hope you don't mind my saying so but I liked the other one a little better. :)

[Ray Rhamey]

Deana, this is weird. I didn't change the picture. It decided to change itself. I'll try to change it back.

Ray

[Jon]

Thanks, Ray. I'm not, so I'll accept what you say.

On the other hand, the author has said that the kid WOULDN'T gallop, so I'm back to confused...

[Cat]

Lope is something you do in Western tack. Canter is what you do in English tack. And there is a difference between a lope and a gallop. Just as there is a difference between a gallop and a run. And I'm having trouble picturing a mule laden with meat being able to do more than a trot. But that's just me.

I think valuable tension could be added to the opening at the mention of the mule loaded down with meat and the need to proceed at a slower pace when he's so frantic with worry about what's happening at home.

[lorimac]

Just wanted to say how much I enjoy and appreciate these posts. I continue to learn so much from the floggees and the floggers. Ray, what a great service you do all of us trying to improve our writing skills! I appreciate that you guys tackle both craft issues and story issues since both can affect the quality of the story. Thanks!

[Pat]

I was OK with the first part, even though I've seen it in a dozen other westerns (and in "Star Wars" for that matter). And to be honest, I think a "tell-ier" style is OK if at least the plot keeps moving.

But you did lose me at the flashback. I thought it cost the whole page the momentum it built up, and right there is where I faltered in wanting to read on.

[Jon]

Excellent thought, Cat, re: the mule. And thanks for the clarification! I'd forgotten the whole Western/English divide in riding styles (not that I know much more about them than that they exist :) )