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    « Flogometer for Andrea: would you keep reading? | Main | Flogometer for Dai: would you keep reading? »

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    Comments

    kathy

    As Ray commented the first paragraph had to much telling, however I thought it had an exciting scene behind it and I wanted to find out more. The second paragraph felt like an ebrupt stop in the flow.
    I suggest cutting that and continue on with the action developing in the first scene.

    Dan

    There is definitely a story to be told here, but I was disappointed to run into the flashback in paragraph two. Like Ray, I found too much telling rather than showing. The first sentence was great! Use that understated, terse style the rest of the way.

    Jon

    No from me, alas.

    In two paragraphs, we're in two different places and times.

    There are significant cliche(1), comma splice(2), and sentence-sense (3) issues here, all of which got in my way. Too, the horse pacing seemed off (4a), and, being unacquainted with 19th century weaponry, I did wonder at the range of his musket. Might be accurate, might not, but it seemed long.

    All that said, with some significant edits, it has possibilities. I'd recommend starting where the story starts and continuing until a more logical break-point before going back to the backstory (if the piece actually needs the backstory; arguably it might not). Hooking us with one paragraph of Oh No! and then going back to the history is kind of like wrapping a big nasty horsepill in chocolate; tastes good at first but then you bite through and realize that it isn't candy, it's treachery in a chocolate shell...

    Good luck going forward!

    --


    (1) "rolled over him in waves", "hung his head", "tears rolled down his cheeks", etc.

    (2) "...down his cheeks, he pulled...", "...into a lope, smoke was not..." and several more

    (3)

    a) As he rode closer, his stomach knotted and unknotted in rhythm to the horse’s lope, fearing what he was going to find.

    His stomach feared what he was going to find?

    b) he pulled his Colt Navy and charged into the valley. There had been an attack and he should have been home. He slowed his horse to a walk

    He's charging for just long enough to have a realization he'd already had off-the-page when he looked down, having the realization again, then slowing.

    (4) The horse gait stuff seemed less than knowledgeable - see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Horse_gait; "lope" is not a horsey pattern. While our kid might not know all the fancy terminology of show horses, he'd probably know "gallop" when he came across it.

    Deana

    Is it just me, or are the following glaring grammatical errors?

    "He kicked his horse into a lope, smoke was not normal, not at all."

    After "lope" should be a semi-colon, not a comma.

    "As he rode closer, his stomach knotted and unknotted in rhythm to the horse’s lope, fearing what he was going to find."

    His stomach feared? That would be the technically correct assumption.

    "Cresting the hill, he looked at the ranch."

    Awkward. He crested the hill and then looked.

    "Tears rolled down his cheeks, he pulled his Colt Navy and charged into the valley."

    Another incorrect comma usage. Could insert "as" instead. (down his cheeks as he pulled)

    "He slowed his horse to a walk and hung his head, it was worse than he could possibly imagine."

    And yet another questionable comma. This is a run-on sentence, awkwardly constructed. Could be split into 2 sentences or reworded entirely.

    As a reader I wouldn't get past these kinds of mistakes because I wouldn't feel I was in the hands of a capable author. So the issues of tension, character and story wouldn't matter when I can't trust that the writing itself is basically sound.

    Sorry, Holly. I think you have a long way to go but I hope you keep trying because I would love to see some more good westerns on the shelves!

    Ray Rhamey

    Deanna, it's not just you. I saw the splices and other problems, but chose to focus on story issues. Thanks to sharp-eyed folks such as you, Holly is also getting good feedback on that side of things.

    Thanks.

    Holly Le Roy

    Thank you all for your feedback, I especially appreciate the structure comments. Just to clear the air regarding horse gates. When a family relies on hunted food and you are trailing the families pack mule loaded with buffalo, you don't run the horse for two miles without letting go of the mule. Suppose you get home, your Pa was burning brush, and you've tied up your horse and lost your mule.
    Thanks again for all your help.
    Holly

    Jon

    Shouldn't the gait have been a canter, then? Or something slower? It wasn't the pace I noticed, it was the word, which doesn't seem like a horseman's word.

    Ray Rhamey

    Holly, regarding the mule you mention: it's not on page one, so the reader doesn't know about the boy leading a mule loaded with meat, only you do. Therefore it's perfectly reasonable for a reader to say why doesn't he run the horse if there's danger?

    This is an important aspect of storytelling to keep in mind: the reader only knows what he's been shown/read. Because of that, everything he has read has to make sense as far as his limited information goes...except for story questions, of course. This is a matter of staging, though.

    Ray

    Ray Rhamey

    Jon, I am a horseman, and "lope" is a valid pseudonym for "gallop". He loped his horse up to the corral. Riders would, I think, understand that immediately. And it's consistent with what the boy would think, since his whole society was horse and riding oriented.

    For what it's worth,

    Ray

    Deana

    (Off topic)
    Ray, I noticed you changed your picture again. Hope you don't mind my saying so but I liked the other one a little better. :)

    Ray Rhamey

    Deana, this is weird. I didn't change the picture. It decided to change itself. I'll try to change it back.

    Ray

    Jon

    Thanks, Ray. I'm not, so I'll accept what you say.

    On the other hand, the author has said that the kid WOULDN'T gallop, so I'm back to confused...

    Cat

    Lope is something you do in Western tack. Canter is what you do in English tack. And there is a difference between a lope and a gallop. Just as there is a difference between a gallop and a run. And I'm having trouble picturing a mule laden with meat being able to do more than a trot. But that's just me.

    I think valuable tension could be added to the opening at the mention of the mule loaded down with meat and the need to proceed at a slower pace when he's so frantic with worry about what's happening at home.

    lorimac

    Just wanted to say how much I enjoy and appreciate these posts. I continue to learn so much from the floggees and the floggers. Ray, what a great service you do all of us trying to improve our writing skills! I appreciate that you guys tackle both craft issues and story issues since both can affect the quality of the story. Thanks!

    Pat

    I was OK with the first part, even though I've seen it in a dozen other westerns (and in "Star Wars" for that matter). And to be honest, I think a "tell-ier" style is OK if at least the plot keeps moving.

    But you did lose me at the flashback. I thought it cost the whole page the momentum it built up, and right there is where I faltered in wanting to read on.

    Jon

    Excellent thought, Cat, re: the mule. And thanks for the clarification! I'd forgotten the whole Western/English divide in riding styles (not that I know much more about them than that they exist :) )

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