The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).
Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.
Dai’s first 16 lines:
His last shaft speeds upward, cleaving a stunningly blue sky to the zenith before arcing down toward its goal ninety meters distant… only to strike in the black, contemptibly far from essential gold.
Failure—as if he needs more of that. A wave of petulant revulsion washes over him—disgust, anger, impatience with the entire sport of archery… and with a lot of other things. He longs to walk away and drive off, not even retrieving his arrows—to leave this useless, time-wasting piddle forever behind.
* * *A large strong-featured man, his leonine head of dark hair streaked with gray, sat in a comfortable room of a fine old Victorian home—two walls lined with books, plank floor dark and lustrous. The Southern California sun, little restrained by filmy curtains, beat in through tall windows. Despite air conditioning he was sweating, and his voice showed strain.
“Yes, I understand, and I hope you… Yes, that’s… No, no hard feelings. You have your… Of course. Well, thank… thank you for your time and… No, of course not—my discretion is abso… Certainly not, Colonel. I think we understand one another, and we…” As another man entered he turned his head to grimace in disgust.
“Absolutely! Under the circumstances I’m going to have to give up this project—you’ve (snip>
Didn’t hook me
Despite good writing, I wasn’t snared, and I think it’s primarily because we left the first character and his scene too soon. I had sympathy for him because I know what it feels like to compete and come short, and was ready to stay with him and find out how he was going to react to his situation.
But then we leaped to someone and somewhere else to eavesdrop on a man apparently (it’s not clear) talking on a phone. Now, having read ahead anyway, I realize that Dai is breaking the archer’s story where she is in order to give time for the other character to have his conversation and then come to the archery competition, but here logistics defeat story, for me.
One other thing: why do we start out in present tense, then shift to
past? When we pick back up with the archer, it’s also in past tense.
Some notes:
His last shaft speeds upward, cleaving a stunningly blue sky to the zenith before arcing down toward its goal ninety meters distant… only to strike in the black, contemptibly far from essential gold.
Failure—as if he needs more of that. A wave of petulant revulsion washes over him—disgust, anger, impatience with the entire sport of archery… and with a lot of other things. He longs to walk away and drive off, not even retrieving his arrows—to leave this useless, time-wasting piddle forever behind. (“wave…washes” is a little on the cliché side, I’d look for a fresher way to put this.)
* * *A large strong-featured man, his leonine head of dark hair streaked with gray, sat in a comfortable room of a fine old Victorian home—two walls lined with books, plank floor dark and lustrous. The Southern California sun, little restrained by filmy curtains, beat in through tall windows. Despite air conditioning he was sweating, and his voice showed strain as he spoke into a phone. (“showed” strain to whom? I added the reference to the phone as a necessary element in scene-setting. Otherwise you’re forcing the reader to deduce that the following fragmented conversation is on a phone. It’s a little thing, but you don’t want to make your reader work at comprehending your narrative.)
“
Yes, I understand, and I hope you… Yes, that’s…No, no hard feelings.You have your… Of course. Well, thank… thank you for your time and…No, of course not—my discretion is abso…Certainly not, Colonel. I think we understand one another, and we…”AsWhen anotherman entered, he turned his head to grimace in disgust. (As you see, I don’t think you need all of those fragments to get the gist of the conversation.)“Absolutely! Under the circumstances I’m going to have to give up this project—you’ve (snip>
As it develops, if you turn the page, the leonine man is recruiting,
and has just been turned down. His last candidate, the least worthy in
his estimation, is the archer we’ve only briefly met. If it were me,
Dai, I’d lose the conversation, stay with the archer long enough to get
him to his conversation with others at the archery competition, and
then cut into that scene with the leonine man and his aide pulling into
the archery area. Their conversation could easily summarize the above
rejection, and then we could get into the recruiting scene that
follows. For example, to adapt the later narrative as a thought-starter:
As Saipele turned the car in at the sign to the archery range, he said, “That Colonel Radabaugh chicken out, Mister Cam?”
Dimarico said, “Wouldn’t touch this deal with a barge pole. Worried about his reputation if it became known he even talked to me. And he looked so good, Saipele
-- credentials and in person, too.” His voice hardened. “But it seems there’s a difference between a good man and the right man.”“You tell him, No guts, no glory?”
“Didn’t even get that far… And only one left now, my friend. The least impressive of the entire bunch, and a questionable record to boot.”
Dimarico pointed and said, “They’re leaving! Get in the… OK, OK. Right here by the gate.”
They jumped out and climbed the bumpers.
“Look there, Mister Cam! He’s talking to somebody.”
“Run quick! I’ll grab the keys. Don’t get hit!” But Saipele was already sprinting between exiting vehicles.
Your writing is good, though for me there is sometimes too much of it. You mentioned in your email that it takes four chapters to reveal what’s going on. I have to wonder about that.
Comments, anyone?
For what it's worth,
Ray
Donations go to the cost of hosting FtQ.
Public floggings available. If I can post it here,
- send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
- Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2008 Ray Rhamey
Oops!
daialanye@alanye.com
Posted by: Dai Alanye | December 09, 2008 at 02:13 AM