Flogometer for Dai: would you keep reading?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Dai’s first 16 lines:

His last shaft speeds upward, cleaving a stunningly blue sky to the zenith before arcing down toward its goal ninety meters distant… only to strike in the black, contemptibly far from essential gold.

Failure—as if he needs more of that. A wave of petulant revulsion washes over him—disgust, anger, impatience with the entire sport of archery… and with a lot of other things. He longs to walk away and drive off, not even retrieving his arrows—to leave this useless, time-wasting piddle forever behind.

* * *

A large strong-featured man, his leonine head of dark hair streaked with gray, sat in a comfortable room of a fine old Victorian home—two walls lined with books, plank floor dark and lustrous. The Southern California sun, little restrained by filmy curtains, beat in through tall windows. Despite air conditioning he was sweating, and his voice showed strain.

“Yes, I understand, and I hope you… Yes, that’s… No, no hard feelings. You have your… Of course. Well, thank… thank you for your time and… No, of course not—my discretion is abso… Certainly not, Colonel. I think we understand one another, and we…” As another man entered he turned his head to grimace in disgust.

“Absolutely! Under the circumstances I’m going to have to give up this project—you’ve (snip>

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Didn’t hook me
Despite good writing, I wasn’t snared, and I think it’s primarily because we left the first character and his scene too soon. I had sympathy for him because I know what it feels like to compete and come short, and was ready to stay with him and find out how he was going to react to his situation.

But then we leaped to someone and somewhere else to eavesdrop on a man apparently (it’s not clear) talking on a phone. Now, having read ahead anyway, I realize that Dai is breaking the archer’s story where she is in order to give time for the other character to have his conversation and then come to the archery competition, but here logistics defeat story, for me.

One other thing: why do we start out in present tense, then shift to past? When we pick back up with the archer, it’s also in past tense. Some notes:

His last shaft speeds upward, cleaving a stunningly blue sky to the zenith before arcing down toward its goal ninety meters distant… only to strike in the black, contemptibly far from essential gold.

Failure—as if he needs more of that. A wave of petulant revulsion washes over him—disgust, anger, impatience with the entire sport of archery… and with a lot of other things. He longs to walk away and drive off, not even retrieving his arrows—to leave this useless, time-wasting piddle forever behind. (“wave…washes” is a little on the cliché side, I’d look for a fresher way to put this.)

* * *

A large strong-featured man, his leonine head of dark hair streaked with gray, sat in a comfortable room of a fine old Victorian home—two walls lined with books, plank floor dark and lustrous. The Southern California sun, little restrained by filmy curtains, beat in through tall windows. Despite air conditioning he was sweating, and his voice showed strain as he spoke into a phone. (“showed” strain to whom? I added the reference to the phone as a necessary element in scene-setting. Otherwise you’re forcing the reader to deduce that the following fragmented conversation is on a phone. It’s a little thing, but you don’t want to make your reader work at comprehending your narrative.)

“Yes, I understand, and I hope you… Yes, that’s… No, no hard feelings. You have your… Of course. Well, thank… thank you for your time and… No, of course not—my discretion is abso… Certainly not, Colonel. I think we understand one another, and we…” As When another man entered, he turned his head to grimace in disgust. (As you see, I don’t think you need all of those fragments to get the gist of the conversation.)

“Absolutely! Under the circumstances I’m going to have to give up this project—you’ve (snip>

As it develops, if you turn the page, the leonine man is recruiting, and has just been turned down. His last candidate, the least worthy in his estimation, is the archer we’ve only briefly met. If it were me, Dai, I’d lose the conversation, stay with the archer long enough to get him to his conversation with others at the archery competition, and then cut into that scene with the leonine man and his aide pulling into the archery area. Their conversation could easily summarize the above rejection, and then we could get into the recruiting scene that follows. For example, to adapt the later narrative as a thought-starter:

As Saipele turned the car in at the sign to the archery range, he said, “That Colonel Radabaugh chicken out, Mister Cam?”

Dimarico said, “Wouldn’t touch this deal with a barge pole. Worried about his reputation if it became known he even talked to me. And he looked so good, Saipele -- credentials and in person, too.” His voice hardened. “But it seems there’s a difference between a good man and the right man.”

“You tell him, No guts, no glory?”

“Didn’t even get that far… And only one left now, my friend. The least impressive of the entire bunch, and a questionable record to boot.”

Dimarico pointed and said, “They’re leaving! Get in the… OK, OK. Right here by the gate.”

They jumped out and climbed the bumpers.

“Look there, Mister Cam! He’s talking to somebody.”

“Run quick! I’ll grab the keys. Don’t get hit!” But Saipele was already sprinting between exiting vehicles.

Your writing is good, though for me there is sometimes too much of it. You mentioned in your email that it takes four chapters to reveal what’s going on. I have to wonder about that.

Comments, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

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Donations go to the cost of hosting FtQ.

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2008 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Jon]

No from me, alas.

The cut-away came too quickly for me. On the plus side, it's a complete scenelet, more or less, and well-written; on the minus side, I wanted more.

The second scenelet was:

a) overwritten (par 1), and
b) focused on scenery and dialog with an unseen person I know nothing about.

In combination, it gave me nothing to latch onto, particularly in contrast to the strong emotions of the first scenelet. You had me through par2, but by the end I was lost.

(A few too many adjectives, btw. Focus on what's important in the scene and emphasize -that-, is my recommendation.)

Good luck!

[Norm]

Maybe it's me and exposing my ignorance for all to see, but I have to say I didn't understand the first sentence. I read it three times. I had no idea what the character wanted to do.

The more precise word "arrow" (with its 2 definitions) rather than the ambiguous word "shaft" (with 10 different meanings) would have worked better for me.

Also, I thought it to be telling and overwritten, "A wave of petulant revulsion washes over him..."

Again. It's probably just me.

Keep at it.

[Deana]

Dai, your writerly finesse notwithstanding, I was lost not hooked. This is confusing and there's no connection with any character.

I'm curious about it taking "four chapters to reveal what’s going on." This makes me wonder about the basic structure of your plot. Does it need to be reworked? It seems to me that if you expect a reader to enjoy being confused for four chapters you're making the already difficult uphill battle to publication even steeper.

[kathy]

I have to agree with norm. I also read it over again. And until I read arrow, I was confused. Then it came together, but too late for this reader.
I think less discription in the second scene would help.
Good luck

[Kami]

I practiced a lot of archery in high school and college (now I just plink around) and even I didn't think necessarily arrow when I first read that first section. I had it as a possibility, but considering shaft is a euphemism (the use of cleaving in the same sentence didn't help!) and can be used in many other ways, it's best to be clear.

Anyway, in that first section I feel like the person is a spoiled brat, mainly due to the language--petulant, and the rush of emotions that don't seem justified because I have no idea what's at stake.

The use of leonine right off the bat in the second section put me in Victorian England, and so I was a little surprised by the phone. The language is archaic, the tech modern, so I have no idea about the setting. 1920's? 2008? 2145? I need more hints, not just about where I am and when, but what's at stake.

Good luck!

[Kim]

I'm sorry, but this didn't work for me either. I pictured an arrow right from the begnning but I couldn't see how it could 'cleave to a zenith'. The beginning also didn't leave me with much sympathy for the protagonist--he's petulant, angry, and leaves his arrows behind for someone else to clean up. Sounds more like a jerk than someone I could root for, honestly. As for the second part, there just wasn't anything 'hooky' there for me. It wasn't at all clear what the second guy wanted, and the snippets of phone conversation we got weren't intriguing enough to make me want to keep reading.

I did like the archery angle of this, though!

[MCD]

Like others, I was confused when I read the first paragraph, not catching on right away that the description was of an arrow in flight. Once I got that much, I went back, reread it, and thing made more sense.

One note on the "cleaving to the zenith" snippet. It sounded lovely, but it stopped me. I had to think what something cleaving to a zenith really looked like (the arrow pinned the blue to the sky to its zenith?) and it struck me as one of those "darlings" that we all have and are all reluctnat to kill. God knows I hang on to plenty of mine. I'd axe it in favor of something more concrete and accessible, if less poetic.

That said, I love coming across the unexpected. I can't recall the last time I read the word piddle, for example, and it made me laugh, and wonder a bit about what kind of character who would use it.

Finally, I agree that the interrupted phone conversation went on too long. A little goes a long way in that regard.

Thanks for sharing your work, and good luck!

[Dai Alanye]

And Will Shakespeare started this way, letting the entire company of the Lord Chamberlain's men critique his words? What a glutton for punishment!

First person> OK, we all agree this should go.

Shafts> Really, folks! If you can't read a half dozen sentences to get context, how serious as readers are yuns? So I'm afraid it's you, Norm. But I admit to striving for a literary tone, which is probably a genre sin.

Abrupt transition> Yeah, this is the big problem, and I'm still waiting for a solution that meets the needs of my conception for the whole tale. Sorry, Ray.

Excess description> I generally am sparse with description, and you'd be surprised how often that's been criticized. Can't win for losing in this respect.

Leonine> I suppose I could use, "Has a head as big as Neil Cavuto's." There's a sketch which might help out, but it probably can't be included here.

Archery> It's not saying too much to call it all-important.

Four chapters> Actually worse than that, because the goal isn't completely clear until nearly halfway into the story. Think of it as Lord of the Rings where the power of the One Ring isn't revealed until well into Two Towers. But things happen in each chapter--it's not all prolog.
Two: An additional recruitment initially fails, and security is breached.
Three: The person to whom the deal was leaked (female) demands to be included. "No, dang blast it, you can't come along."
Four: An astounding detail is revealed--so incredibly, resoundingly, vastly important that I can't possibly hope to describe it here. (Perhaps "vast" is an exaggeration--maybe it's only half-vast.) But if you insist on knowing, four chapters of a slightly earlier version are available in PDF on my site - http://alanye.com/

As always--Thanks all, and so long for the fish.

Dai

[Deana]

Dai, I'm curious. Are you planning on re-working much of anything in your opening or novel based on the critiques you received here?

[Dai Alanye]

"Dai, I'm curious. Are you planning on re-working much of anything in your opening or novel based on the critiques you received here?"

I'm pretty curious myself, Deana, so we've that in common. (You do mean 'curious' as in 'odd,' don't you?)

Yes, I've taken the comments to heart and have written two versions of a new opening, both out for comment by my main reader. He didn't much like the earlier version either, even before I used first person.

I've received value for each flogging I've got here, although I never change as much as is suggested, because I want to keep to my own style and meet my own goals for the stories as wholes. In the case of Time Mgmt I feel it necessary to tell the tale in a largely chronological manner with a minimum of narration, while still giving considerable background early on. Also, I'm hesitant to surrender my snippets silver-plated prose.

If anyone wishes to see the new versions, email me and I'll attach each new first chapter in RTF or PDF. Your choice, but PDF gets you the cover and a sketch of the leonine being.

Dai

[Dai Alanye]

Oops!

daialanye@alanye.com