Flogometer for Andrea: would you keep reading?

---

Sorry this is late today, but my Internet was out at home. Here’s a nice, fresh flogging for you.

But first. . .
When we last met, I’d offered a little writing challenge: how would you complete the last sentence in this opening in a way that adds yet another story question. Here’s the first part:

The black widow spider crept onto Judy's bare neck. She stirred in her sleep. A second black widow crawled onto her naked skin.

Judy opened her eyes just as the first spider crawled onto her cheek. She looked down to see what tickled, and . . . (snip)

Drum roll please. . .I added just three words that I think create a twist that multiplied the tension. A couple of folks went a similar direction, but with more words.

The black widow spider crept onto Judy's bare neck. She stirred in her sleep. A second black widow crawled onto her naked skin.

Judy opened her eyes just as the first spider crawled onto her cheek. She looked down to see what tickled, and then she grinned.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

---

Andrea’s novel is for middle-graders. Her first 16 lines:

Maria walked past me, deep in conversation with Liz and Jennifer, her two new friends from cheerleading. Here we were at the opening day of Wildwood Lake Park, and they were talking about the best ways to bleach their hair. Ugh. I mean, who cares about hair when across the parking lot, rose the Screamer, an old wooden roller coaster that had been built when Wildwood Lake first opened. Right now, it chugged slowly up the enormous first hill like a giant silver race car. I paused to watch it clear the top of the hill as if it had all the time in the world. When it roared down the other side, I waited, listening. A second later came the screams of the riders, and I felt the familiar trill of excitement in my stomach.

“Hey, Kate,” called Maria. She and the other girls were already in the long line to the ticket counter.

I ran up and threw my arm around Maria. “Hi,” I said breathlessly, grinning.

Maria wriggled away from me. “Kate,” she said with exasperation, “you’re messing up my hair.” She pulled a mirror out of her pocket and examined her reflection, smoothing back her dark brown waves and tucking a strand behind her ear.

Liz looked at me like she thought I was a lower life form. “Calm down,” she said with a little laugh. “What are you, eight?”

Didn’t reach the level of compelling for me
Though I liked the voice, and that the author has started with a scene, it wasn’t truly gripping for me, and I don’t think it’s just because I’m not a middle-grader. If I’d included the title, you’d have known that this was a ghost story, but you don’t get a hint of that in this opening. In fact, you don’t get a hint of that in the first 5 pages. For my money, there ought to be.

It could be that a lower level of tension is okay with middle-grade girls, the clear target of this audience. And, since I’m not a girl, perhaps some of the tension-producing elements of her friend talking about bleaching missed me. Still, if you can introduce compelling story questions, why not? Some notes on the craft side:

Maria walked past me, deep in conversation with Liz and Jennifer, her two new friends from cheerleading. Here we were at the opening day of Wildwood Lake Park, and they were talking about the best ways to bleach their hair. Ugh. I mean, who cares about hair when across the parking lot, rose the Screamer loomed, waiting for us, an old wooden roller coaster that had been built when Wildwood Lake first opened. Right now, it its cars chugged slowly up the enormous first hill like a giant silver race car. I paused to watch it clear the top of the hill as if it had all the time in the world. When it roared down the other side, I listened. waited, listening. A second later came the screams of the riders, and I felt the familiar trill of excitement in my stomach. (The first suggested change was to get to the Screamer sooner [who cares about a parking lot?] and maybe inject a little mini-tension with "loomed, waiting for us". This opening could use some atmosphere. The pronoun “it” referred to the wooden roller coaster, which could hardly have been chugging up itself. So I substituted “cars,” which leaves the problem of the visual of “giant silver race car”. I leave that to the writer to solve. I think “built when Wildwood Lake first opened” is much too vague. It could have been only a couple of years ago. Be specific—to sound “old,” shouldn’t it be at least 50 years? I also think this long paragraph could stand to be split, probably at “I paused”.)

“Hey, Kate,” called Maria. She and the other girls were already in the long line for tickets. to the ticket counter. (Just a suggestion for tightening the narrative.)

I ran up and threw my arm around Maria and grinned. “Hi.” I said breathlessly, grinning. (For me, this is explaining dialogue, which is “telling.” I also didn’t think she could be far enough away to become breathless unless she is horribly out of shape.)

Maria wriggled away from me. “Kate,” she said with exasperation, “you’re messing up my hair.” She pulled a mirror out of her pocket and examined her reflection, smoothing back her dark brown waves and tucking a strand behind her ear. (“said with exasperation” is very much “telling.” Anyway, what Maria says shows her exasperation, so there’s no need. You could add a frown to show exasperation as well. She took a mirror from her pocket? Don’t middle-grade girls carry purses or backpack? Seems like a mirror is very likely to be broken if carried in a pocket on a trip to an amusement park.)

Liz looked at me like she thought I was a lower life form. She laughed and said, “Calm down.” she said with a little laugh. “What are you, eight?” (Another explanation of dialogue, and another instance of “said with,” a construction that doesn’t, IMO, work well. Here’s a post on the subject: don’t say it with with, which is also in my upcoming book, "Jump-start Your Novel with Kitty-cats in Action.")

The following pages did a good job of revealing a little growing-up angst in a competition between Kate and the cheerleaders for Maria’s affection, but there was nary a hint of the ghost story. If I were editing this, I’d try to get a reference to the ghostiness on the first page and go there, weaving this part in as the story kicked into gear. I mentioned atmosphere earlier in a comment, and I think that’s what’s missing, for me, in this opening. There are opportunities for choice verbs and perhaps adjectives that could inject a tint of “things are not normal” to this otherwise harmless day.

Comments, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

---

Donations go to the cost of hosting FtQ.

---

Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2008 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Deana]

Excellent flog, Ray, and I really liked what you did with the spider story. Very clever!

Andrea, I liked your voice, and you do write well, but my first thought was "where's the beef?" (You might not be old enough to get that reference, lol.)

There was really no hook or not enough of one. Like Ray, I wasn't compelled although I was impressed with your writing skills. Unlike Ray I didn't take so much offense to the "telling" narrative," it seemed more like your style and I hope you don't focus on that as much as you focus on getting some tension, or what Donald Maas calls "stakes" into your opening (ie, raise the stakes, make something at risk).

Agree with Ray that if this is a ghost story, that should be brought forward.

[Kami]

I too would like more of a sense of, if not ghosts in this opening, that the character has problems. There's a couple of different ways to handle it. Two of my faves are:
1. Setting up the character with a problem serious enough to trouble an adult, but they're handling it (the maintaining appearance of normality in difficult circumstances is one of the quickest ways to get this reader to sympathize with a character)
2. Placing the character at a point of loss, on the edge of a psychological cliff. The character is going to lose, knows they're going to lose, but they try to win anyway, or even better, try to protect anyone else caught up in the loss from the brunt of it.

There's lots of other options. Bickering with schoolfellows can work, but the stakes, no matter what you do, will stay pretty low.

[Pam]

Keeping in mind that all comments are based on impressions from the first 16 lines: I like that you opened in the middle of a scene. I could picture the girls personalities and the scene well, but over all you didn't quite blow my skirt up. However, revisions depend on what product you're planning to market.

Without deep undertones to your narrative, I get the impression that your book is intended to be a lighter read. That's great, and with some tightening of your narrative you're well on your way. These books sell well. You can start a lucrative franchise and may you be loved by millions of young girls :). If this is the case, the characters' issues can be relatively minor – e.g. one friend is maturing socially quicker than the other, awkwardness and stupid choices result (but enough about my childhood).

Still, you could tweak some of the interaction between characters to hint more at the troubles. Kate notices the changes in Maria at the outset. I like this, so I was puzzled by the greeting between the two friends. If Kate has just a touch of awkwardness either about how to greet Maria, or about Maria's reaction to the hug, that would underscore a looming issue. For example:

"I crammed my hands into my pockets while she pulled a mirror out of her purse and examined her reflection, smoothing her dark brown waves, tucking a strand behind her ear."

Now, let's talk about me again. Even at your target audience's age, I preferred the heavier stuff, so I like Kami and Deanna's suggestions to hint at something deeper going on between the friends. Kami's "faves" are good.

Also, I would not have guessed that this is a ghost story by the tone. Whether you're going for a light or heavy plot, this is a problem, but little changes to imagery and details can work wonders. The following are some rudimentary (and occasionally clichéd) examples:

"built when Wildwood Lake first opened" = "built 50 years ago – the same year [the ghost person] died."
"chugged" = too cute, "labored"? "heaved"?
"giant silver race car" = "silver bullet"? or something else darker – preferably something that links to whatever you're replacing "chugged" with (since race cars don't usually chug anyway).
"as if it had all the time in the world" = how about something hinting at death or eternity?

Hope this helped.