Flogometer for Ajaya: would you keep reading?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Ajaya’s first 16 lines (which come all the way from Kathmandu):

Khemman was 7 years old when the ghosts of Archalswara, for some strange reason, stopped haunting him.

"You almost died out there," Kancha Bajay would often tell Khemman. "You were cursed by the ghosts of Archalswara."

Khemman knew Kancha Bajay was lying, but after that occurrence, Khemman's father stopped taking the family back to the village.

The visit was etched in Khemman's memory like the stone image of Shiva Lingam his grandfather had planted near the pandhera. Its eye sleepily followed him as he tagged along with his mother to fetch drinking water.

"What kind of Sarkar is this? Not letting us stay in peace," his mother Kanchi Nani complained when she learnt about the planned visit.

"Are we going back to the village Aama?" Khemman asked.

"We have to," Kanchi Nani said, "Sarkar has posted your father to a far far away place."

"Even further than Amrika?" Kancha Bajay had once told Khemman that America was the farthest place from Nepal.

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Didn’t pull me through
Despite the promise of an exotic world to explore, the narrative didn’t compel me. There are a lot of words that are strange to me, but I’m assuming that a Nepalese audience won’t mind that. No, I think it’s a lack of focus on what might happen to the boy. Some notes:

Khemman was 7 seven years old when the ghosts of Archalswara, for some strange reason, stopped haunting him. (The “for some strange reason” part, because it’s not defined and doesn’t have any meaning for the reader, doesn’t seem useful. Nonetheless, this is a good opening sentence, promising supernatural goings-on.)

"You almost died out there," Kancha Bajay would often tell Khemman. "You were cursed by the ghosts of Archalswara." (This would be the time to let us know who Kancha Bajay was.)

Khemman knew Kancha Bajay was lying, but after that occurrence, Khemman's father stopped taking the family back to the village. (This knowledge of lying immediately strips the opening story questions about ghosts from the story. You wonder why we were even told about them if they are a lie. Also, we’re in Khemman’s point of view and, if this is his father (which isn’t really clear), is it the custom in Nepal for the boy to always think of his parents by both names?)

The visit was etched in Khemman's memory like the stone image of Shiva Lingam his grandfather had planted near the pandhera. Its eye had sleepily followed him as he tagged along with his mother to fetch drinking water. (I’m confused. What visit does this refer to? From reading on, it’s an upcoming visit to the old village, but this isn’t clear to me.)

"What kind of Sarkar is this? Not letting us stay in peace," his mother, Kanchi Nani, complained when she learnt about the planned visit.

Khemman said,"Are we going back to the village Aama?" Khemman asked. (This is one of my pet peeves, the use of “asked.” The question mark tells us it’s a question, and the ubiquitous “said” is usually the better choice.)

"We have to," Kanchi Nani said, "Sarkar has posted your father to a far far away place." (Again, I wonder if the custom is to refer to one’s parents by both names. If so, this is fine.)

"Even further than Amrika?" Kancha Bajay had once told Khemman that America was the farthest place from Nepal.

The later narrative follows Khemman on his journey, and then into a flashback. What it lacked, for me, was hints of trouble ahead for the boy, or an inciting incident that forces him to want/need something that he has to take action (and risks) to get. But it’s a fascinating world, with leopard traps and an ancient culture to explore. It just needs strong story elements to keep this reader moving forward. Thanks, Ajaya, for sending your work.

For what it's worth,

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2008 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Jessica]

I thought the writing was solid, the premise interesting, and the story would have compelled me to read further, except I got caught up in all of the names: proper names, relationship names....

I was familiar with many of the foreign terms, and for me, that was part of my interest. But if I have to work so hard to disambiguate complicated (to English ears) names and relationship terms all at once at the very beginning, I'd probably pass on it.

Still, this beginning holds the promise of a compelling story well told, and I wish you success with it.

[Deana]

Your premise is fantastic, but your delivery is getting bogged down both with unnecessary words and confusing names.

"Khemman was 7 seven years old when the ghosts of Archalswara stopped haunting him."

Now this would be an awesome first sentence! Simple, bold and compelling.

In the last sentence, the dialogue is good, but the narrative needs work. It doesn't bring us closer to the character and seems awkwardly constructed. Could the dialogue stand just as well alone? Or,

"Kancha Bajay had once told Khemman that America was the farthest place from Nepal."

might work better more like:

His mother had always said that America was farthest place on earth from Nepal.

[Kami]

I agree that the first sentence is excellent and promised a great story. But I started skimming when the foreign words became too much for me. I didn't want to slow down or stop, trying to figure out what category to put each foreign word into. I would suggest using one word instead of two word names whenever possible, or if one of the words means aunt, say aunt. Also, it's impossible to figure out what Sarkar or pandhera mean because there isn't enough context. I'm okay with ambiguous--I can figure these things out after time, but I would have guessed Sarkar is a cuss word except that it's capitalized, so that nixed that idea, and pandhera is maybe a place, but a place for what? Cattle? A field? The outback? A mountain? Some hint of what it might be--where the horses are (could be a pasture or corral) or among the gravestones (is probably a cemetery) would help.

Good luck!

[Theadra Leilani]

I'm sorry, the odd words and quick switches lost me. I wouldn't have been able to keep going. I agree, the first sentence was dynamite.

The first place I stumbled was here:
"You almost died out there," Kancha Bajay would often tell Khemman. "You were cursed by the ghosts of Archalswara."

Died out there was interesting but the reference to you were cursed by lost me completely. I wanted to ask -died out where- and -how did he get saved- but then it seemed like I was misunderstanding the context becuase of the next sentence. What did the cursed ghosts have to do with him almost dieing out somewhere?

Then we're on to he would never forget the visit and his mother talking about another planned visit somewhere. I'm completely lost.

I feel like I was reading bits and pieces from different pages. There are interesting connectors there, I can feel them, but I can't see them yet.

Definately keep going, I would love to find out more about the ghosts and why they stopped haunting him.

[Kim]

I loved the first sentence, or at least I would have, if the 'for some strange reason' bit wasn't there.

I'm sorry to say that I wouldn't have turned the page, however. I would have put the book down (though I would have thought it was my fault as a reader for not trying hard enough). The first sentence is so intriguingly unclear, but everything that follows it was just plain confusing to me--there wasn't enough storyline to pull me through. If, after the first sentence, you grounded us in a rich, quick-moving storyline--that would really work.

Good luck with this. With the locale, and the details Ray mentioned, it sounds like an excellent tale.

[Jon]

Almost, for me.

Killer first line (though someone else's suggestion to omit "for some strange reason" is a good one).

I'd have condensed the second line:

"...You were cursed by the ghosts of Archalswara." >> "...The ghosts (of A..??) cursed you."

>>
...had planted near the pandhera.
>>

Not knowing what pandhera was, this pulled me out a bit. Can context be provided?

This:

"What kind of Sarkar is this? Not letting us stay in peace," his mother Kanchi Nani complained when she learnt about the planned visit.

...seemed jumpy to me. Is "what kind" talking about the _shiva lingam_? What visit?

It's at this point that the piece lost me, and I never really recovered; the first lines had definite hook-bite, but from this point the piece jumped and wandered and the author lost my confidence.

From this sample, I'd recommend working on transitions to smooth them out; also, be aware of where your readers' attentions are going to be and what questions they're going to be asking as they read along, and be ready to either answer them in the text, or pose even better questions that will distract them from the initial ones until you're ready to answer them.

The questions I had in mind with the first two lines were along the lines of "what ghosts? why did they stop? what was his life like before they were there? while they were there? after they left? how did the ghosts affect his relationships with others? how did they affect his psyche?

You'll notice that my questions were mainly about the ghosts and their effect on Khemman's life. You stimulated those questions -very- nicely in the first lines, but then you abandoned them for the much weaker thread of the potential journey; though possibly interesting in its own right, that thread didn't have a chance against those opening lines.

Hope this helped! Good luck with this piece!

[Jon]

Ray, from what I can tell from context, Kancha/Kanchi isn't a name but a title - like Aunt or Mother or Grandfather or whatever. I don't know exactly what they mean, and the sex of the Kancha/Kanchi isn't clear from the name (risk of foreign names!), but I don't think they're first names.

I also didn't pick up this until I read your comment on it; I thought they were names and skipped over them (I usually skip over names, just recognizing the shape of them for later reference; call me weird) until I went back to look.

And, not to be disagreeable, but I see nothing wrong with "asked." Personally, I usually use context tags instead, without the attribution, but for me "asked" is one of those simple ones that can be browsed past, while "Bubbles?" Jo said is VERY confusing to my inner ear, because I'm hearing a question in the words as I read, but being told the character "said" the thing. It jars, making me go back and try to figure out the tone. If the author is going to use dialog tags, "asked" is a useful and pretty minimalistic one, for my money.

Kami:

..., or if one of the words means aunt, say aunt.

FWIW, I actually like the titles; gives a foreign feel to things. I -would- like to see the relationship clearer, though. Something like this:

"You're late," Kanchi Bajay said. Khemman's uncle usually shouted, so when he spoke quietly Khemman's back stiffened.

...would help me with that and provide context-instruction as well.

[Kim]

I'm on the side of 'asked' for a question, too. 'Asked' is as invisible as 'said' and functions as its equivalent for questions, IMO.

I come down on that side because, as a reader, 'said' with a question mark in quotes does give me a little jolt out of the action. I know you differ, Ray, but I'm not convinced on this one!

How do other people feel? I'd love to see a poll on this.

[mai]

Have been only skimming lately due to workload. This one caught my eye because I've done some rough editing for a writer from India, and I've been thinking about how Western audiences respond to non-Western writing when the author is not a Booker Prize short-lister. I agree with Jon's comments about how to clarify relationships, and other aspects of the story, that are represented in the writer's primary language or vernacular. If Western readers are one segment of the potential audience, their lack of exposure to common words from Asian countries needs a little attention.

I read a lot of potential story in this opening because, over the past three years, I've become familiar with the small hints, the indirectnesses, that signal something important is going to come soon, that are part of the general style of much Asian writing. But if I'd read it more than three years ago, before I was familiar with some of subcontinental culture, would I have read it that way? I don't know. Names are very important in Asia, much more so than in the West, and introducing a character by name and/or title carries information and significance that is not always easy for Westerners to grasp on first read. The use of names to introduce characters in this opening reflects this. Non-Western writers have something to teach Western audiences. One way to teach is to be other than vanilla, to not pull one's punches too too much. Another way is to do more explaining than the writer would normally do for his or her home audience. Both ways together work best. And Western readers have something to learn from non-Western writers. They need to be willing to flow with the story, even when some terms aren't familiar, or the manner of writing is a little different from what's "usual" in a Western commercial work of fiction. Still thinking about all this...

Anyway: I'd have turned the page. I was pulled into the story and characters' lives immediately, and felt there was a lot of interesting stuff to come. I liked the skill with which offhand bits of dialogue were used to introduce backstory, location, story, personalities and relationships.

[mai]

Just saw the voting, which will keep me on that wondering path. Lots to think about, about this issue. And not just for Non-Western writers marketing to the West, but the other way around, too.