Do one for me.
Recently I revisited the opening pages of a WIP (a finished, polished novel) that
I’ve been chilling in the back of my mind for many months, and I liked
it. Okay, I generally like my stuff, but the clarity of eyes refreshed
by time has been known to unveil saggy places and soft spots, places
where the blade is dull, dim spots where the picture isn’t sharp and
focused.
But I didn’t see much to quibble with. What was I missing? Then I thought of you guys out there, sharp-eyed and articulate.
So how about giving me your views? You know the criteria:
- Story questions
- Tension
- Clarity
- Scene-setting
- Character
- Voice
Be tough. Step into the mindset of a busy agent who doesn’t have a second to spare in your 10- or 12-hour days. Would you really turn the page? Or move on to the next submission?
The first 16 lines:
When Ailia neared the first of the bronze lions that guarded the Chicago Art Institute, a slender man in a black overcoat stepped from behind it and targeted her with a small video camera.
Alarm flashed into her gloom, and she stopped at the bottom stair step. She couldn’t allow his camera to see through her glamére—while his naked eye would perceive curly brown hair and a dark tan, the camera would reveal straight platinum hair bobbed short and skin so white it sometimes looked bluish. She turned her face away.
Oh, for times past when only touch could put the lie to the illusion of a glamére.
From the side of her vision she saw the man’s lips move, and the wind carried his words to her. “I think I got one.”
Shielding her face with her hood, Ailia shifted her gaze to him, and he jerked the camera away to pan across the front of the Institute. She saw yellow-green strands of deceit blossom within the aura around his head—he wanted to hide his purpose.
But what did it matter? It could have nothing to do with her.
Besides, she was going to die today.
The January wind whipped her long coat and thrust icy talons under her dress, greedy for her warmth. She wondered if the wind named the Hawk by the people of this city wished it were (snip)
Poll problems Some readers have not seen the poll (which I see). I've republished the code. Just in case, the same poll is on the alternate site at http://www.publishersmarketplace.com/members/wrrriter/. New effort: here's a new poll from a different source.
Here's a link to the original poll provide by H.L. Dyer (thanks) http://answers.polldaddy.com/poll/1070955/
Talk to me.
Thanks.
Ray
Public floggings available. If I can post it here,
- send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
- Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2008 Ray Rhamey
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