Flogometer for Ray (yes, again): would you keep reading?

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Okay, it’s me again. Set free by your comments on the novel opening and the full chapter I posted last week, I edited me. And that led to a radical change, a reversion to a previous form. The protagonist’s story in this novel had once been told in first person, with the rest of the POV characters in third.

I’d been wondering if I’d lost something by switching her from first to third, and your notes prompted me to revisit that mode. Below is a rewrite using that POV. If you want to refer back to the original 16 lines, they’re here.

But wait, there’s more. When I rewrote, I returned to another aspect of the original approach—the first chapter had also introduced another character, the one in pursuit of Ailia at the end of the chapter posted last week.

You can read the new version of the chapter here—it’s only 9 manuscript pages long.

I really hope that those of you who commented on the previous version will take a look, and I invite new fresh eyes, too.

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But first, let’s attend to the initial 16 lines. See if this works any better for you.

As I neared one of the bronze lions that guard the Chicago Art Institute, a lean man in a black overcoat targeted me with a small video camera.

Reflexes from long years of living in hiding shot alarm into my gloom. I couldn’t let his camera see through my glamére—instead of the curly brown hair and olive skin of my “Ailia the tourist” illusion, the camera would reveal straight platinum hair bobbed short and skin so white it sometimes looked bluish. I pulled my hood close around my face and started up the stairs to the entrance.

The man’s lips moved, and the wind carried his words to me. “I think I got one.”

When I turned my gaze on him, he jerked the camera away and panned it across the Institute. I saw yellow-green strands of deceit blossom within the aura around his head—he wanted to hide his purpose.

But what did it matter? It could have nothing to do with me.

Besides, I planned to die today.

The January wind, named the Hawk by the people of this city, whipped my long coat and thrust icy talons under my dress, greedy for my warmth. Last I was here it had been a lively summer breeze; now it was a harbinger of death.

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Hey, thanks for all your support and feedback. And if you thought the page was worth turning, the rest of the chapter is here.

Comments, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2008 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Darla]

I liked this better, but then I generally feel more engaged with first person.

There were a couple things that tripped me up: Reflexes from long years of living in hiding - I get what you mean here but the living in hiding part made me pause to process the double -ing. Would the line work just as well without the 'living'?

The other was: Last I was here - I kept wanting to read: Last time I was here.

[Jon]

Betterer, for me.

I'd strike this:

>It could have nothing to do with me.

because it's still confusing re: the definitions of "could"; I read it the same way this time that I did last time, as statement of fact. At minimum, recommend editing it to "it might have nothing at all to do with me", which is clearer (to me) in intent.

I'd also get rid of "I saw" and just leave it as "yellow-green strands of deceit blossomed..." - she has this talent inborn, so might not much think of the difference between "seeing" and "-see-ing", if you take my meaning?

I still don't love "shot alarm into my gloom" - it's just weird and non-flowy.

minor: in the first paragraph, "that guard" introduces this weird object permanence thing that I always have trouble with. Suggest "guarding" as a replacement. The issue is that "that guard" implies that they still guard, but the story is written in the past tense, and the further implication is that the narrator has knowledge that they still guard, i.e., survives and remains in the same area to know it... which takes away a bit of the tension.

But these are all nitpicks. Overall, this worked much better for me; thrust-wise, I wouldn't change anything. Nice work.

[mai]

Strong! I was totally ready for the next page.

[Deana]

Ray, although it's much improved, in all honesty I still wouldn't have turned the page.

My first problem is with the wordiness, bordering (imo) on over-writing. But, as you've pointed out before, that might be an issue of style and shouldn't be corrected.

For instance, this line:

"When I turned my gaze on him, he jerked the camera away and panned it across the Institute."

Wouldn't it be better as:

"When I looked at him he quickly panned the camera away."

Or maybe it's just me.

Second point, I also had trouble with some awkward phrasing as in the double "ing" in "living in hiding." Also, the sentence "I pulled my hood close around my face and started up the stairs to the entrance" could be shortened to "I pulled my hood close and started up the stairs."

And "skin so white it sometimes looked bluish" might be more effective simply as "bluish-white skin."

And then there's "The man’s lips moved, and the wind carried his words to me." It came across to me as overly dramatic. Would it be overly-simplified just as "I heard him say," or "The wind carried his words,"?

I read this through many times because I was puzzled by not being grabbed by it. You're a good writer and I can definitely picture the scene, so it took some thought to try to figure out what was wrong. I toyed with the idea of putting the last paragraph about the wind first as a lead-in and it seemed to do a lot for it. Something to try if you're not 100% satisfied with it as-is, anyway.

I think your posts of your opening and its subsequent transformations, as well as the chance to critique them, have been a great learning opportunity. Thank you, Ray!

[Ray Rhamey]

Deana, if you weren't "grabbed" by the story, that's okay. There's no guarantee that any writer can craft the language that suits you best. If you didn't like it, you didn't like it.

In this case, (and in every case, for my writing) the narrative here reflects the voice of the character. This person is 300 years old and grew up in the 1700s, in a time when language was more formal for educated people, and this is the way she thinks and speaks. If you don't care for it now, I've actually "lowered" her narrative voice somewhat since the original draft.

You should click through and read the full chapter. A second character is introduced whose narrative voice is much more like the one you're suggesting. She is from a contemporary blue-collar background, and her narrative would have said "bluish-white skin."

While I appreciate your thoughts, in a way you're wanting to revise my character's way of speaking to fit yours. And that's something a good editor can't do.

If you were to read this novel, you would find that the narratives for the four point-of-view characters is each fairly distinct, each a reflection of their character.

Thanks for your thoughts, though, because it's good for me to think about what I'm doing. I'm just not prepared to give up my theory that narrative itself should reflect a character, and thus add to characterization.

For what it's worth.

[Kim]

I would have turned the page on this, but then I would also have turned the page on the other version.

I do think that having a mix of first and third person in a novel is a real risk. I know there are a few out there (Kellerman did it in one of his most recent, iirc) but it just seems like there's not a strong reason to do it here. The third person vesion is great too--why make a choice that might turn a lot of readers/agents/editors off?

[Pam]

Ray,

Nice revisions! And I like the switch to first person.

Basically, I ditto what Jon said, except I wasn't so thrown by could. It may be my lack of education.

The only other language point for me is the line "thrust icy talons under my dress, greedy for my warmth" sounds sexual. Not that I'm opposed to sexual, I just wonder if the isolated tone fits the mood of the scene ... or am I the only one who reads the line that way ...

BTW, I'm borrowing your line above about the narrative-characterization connection.

[Deana]

Ray, I understand what you are saying. The problem for me is, the narrative didn't come off as "old-fashioned," it came off as awkwardly worded.

I've read plenty of prose set in the 1700's and 1800's and you're right, they do have a style all their own. But I wouldn't have stopped reading them because of that, and I don't think I would have had to have their narrative style explained to me.

It's great that you're anxious to share more than just the first page, but I wonder how many other writers would want an agent or browser in a bookstore to just keep reading (please!), hoping they'll see something to grab them later. But, as FtQ is meant to deal with the all-important first page, that's what I'll honor here as well.

And, since the narrative of the MC didn't grab me, suffice it to say that while you're probably right that I might enjoy the "blue-collar" character better, it wouldn't make me more willing to "suffer through" the other.

That said, you're getting plenty of positive responses here and that's got to be a good sign, no?

[John]

Deana has expressed a valid point, Ray. For all the other submissions, this has been about the first page, and how well that first page stands up on its own. As for your revision, switching to first person hasn't significantly changed my reaction to your first 16 lines. Something that might help, at least for me, would be to set the opening scene so it feels more like the beginning of the story, rather than a paragraph out of the middle of the book. Nothing elaborate, just a sentence or two right away that gives the reader a better sense of the environment they are being thrust into.

[Jill]

I connected much more to the story with the switch to first person. The distance I felt with the previous version is gone. I sense more tension here. I'd turn the page.