Flogometer for Lorraine: would you keep reading?

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Tell me something, please
What does FtQ do for you (if anything)? How does it help you (if at all)? Please email me with your feedback. And thanks.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Lorraine has sent both a prologue and a first chapter. Will either of them get you to turn the page? The prologue’s first 16 lines:

If storms can embody malevolence, this one did. Rain clouds emptied onto the earth with a desperate violence, attempting to wash clean the stench of destruction and disaster. Heavens bellowed and spears of lightning threatened any soul brave enough to leave the safety of shelter. Citizens shuttered windows, bolted doors and drew close to their fires to dispel the dark misery oozing through the damp.

Into this howling, raging storm a woman ran, bent over with the burden she carried. She was as dark as the darkness around her and as wet as the deluge threatening the countryside. Although every part of her was in agony, she moved steadily through the fog that obscured the nearly submerged land bridge. No one had yet detected her flight, but she feared that soon they would and then no power on earth could save her precious package from the wrath of the new queen.

Leaving the mists of the coast, Sianna ran inland toward the great forest. Only when she had reached the protection of the giant evergreens did she stop and look back. Rising sobs washed away the last of her strength and she wept uncontrollably, gradually melting the hard block of ice that lodged in her heart days ago. With the melting came unbearable pain as she thought of the loss of her adored husband and son as well as the magical kingdom that had been her home since marriage. Now she feared losing this tiny daughter clutched inside her cloak.

And now for the first chapter opening:

The day was golden and tingling with a slightly smoky smell of autumn. After checking to make sure no one was watching Maia squatted under the maple tree and gathered a huge armful of amber and crimson leaves. It’s like the trees are decorating themselves in their most festive colors just for my birthday, she exulted. “Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me!” she sang at the top of her lungs, heading towards the barn to get ready for the evening milking.

“Well, someone sounds like they’re in a good mood for a change,” teased Aiden as he came around the corner. “You don’t really expect that anyone remembers this is your birthday, do you? And even if they do, so what? It just means you’ve had another whole year of being a pain and a strain and a drain on my brain!” With that he took a handful of straw and shoved it down Maia’s back.

“Even you can’t provoke me today, Aiden,” Maia replied, sticking her tongue out at him. “No matter how rude and crude you are, I just know that today is going to be wonderful. My whole new life as a woman is just beginning. I’m thirteen now, and don’t you forget it!”

“A woman!” snorted Aiden. “I’ve seen barn boards with more of a woman’s shape than you have. Thirteen you may be, little girl, but take it from me, a woman is one thing you are not!”

“You wouldn’t know a woman if you saw one,” Maia snipped. “Just because Tara’s been (snip)

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Not the prologue, but the chapter for me
A couple of things about the prologue stopped me. While the writing is good, it’s sorta heavy. You have to work your way through it. Maybe tightened up a bit, with fewer adjectives, it would be okay. And, while it starts with action and a scene, I felt that I’d seen this story before—the peasant rescuing an infant from an evil ruler’s wrath. Yes, it’s a traditional plot in fantasy, but there was nothing in this opening to suggest that this would be a fresh take on it.

I would turn the page on the chapter opening. I liked the voice, and there was just enough of what Donald Maass calls “bridging conflict” to get me there. The mood was light and happy, and the narrative flowed well. If there were anything I’d look to do, it would be to find a way to inject a little foreshadowing of trouble ahead for Maia.

A couple of small notes: I’d look for a way to put the first descriptive sentence into Maia’s point of view. And her exultation, It’s like the trees are decorating themselves in their most festive colors just for my birthday, she exulted. I’d turn into internal monologue so tenses aren’t hopping around, i.e.

It was like the trees were decorating themselves in their most festive colors just for her birthday.

Nice work, keep at it, Lorraine.

Comments, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

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Donations go to the cost of hosting FtQ.

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2008 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Deana]

The prologue has tension, which is good, but heavy writing, which is bad.

The chapter has light writing, which is good, but an absolute, 100% lack of tension, which is bad.

Agree with Ray that there has to be more than just good writing if you're using a storyline that is already quite familiar to most readers.

But I have no quibbles with this writer's use of descriptive words or pacing, and those are good signs. Many writers never get past those issues.

So although this writer definitely has promise, no on both for me.

Now if you could combine the light writing with the heavy tension and throw in an unusual twist or something original, that would be (IMO) your ticket to stardom.

Good luck!

[Jon]

A solid no for me on the prologue, and a reluctant no on the chapter 1.

The writing in the prologue is solid, and there's a definite Voice there, and those are both very good things. Excellent use of active language, very engaging in and of itself.

Unfortunately, though, there's too much of a good thing. The prologue comes across as Heavy Melodrama, and less-than-believable melodrama at that--a woman carrying a child ran in the rain from the coast to the forest. That's some endurance... and some rainstorm. :)

Try cutting out some of the adjectives, for a start?

The chapter is a completely different beast. I loved the first sentence (though I would have pulled "slightly") and I love the character picking up the leaves (what did she do with them, btw? by the text, she's carrying them with her to the milking!) and (I imagine) throwing them up like fireworks. Lovely, lovely image.

The internal dialog read as stilted to me, though, and the external dialog was a little too on-the-nose. This on-pointness was what caused the no for me. The tone had me willing to read on; particularly after the Sturm Und Drang of the prologue. (I'm sure this was intentional, and it was well done!)

So... tone down the melodrama in the prologue, make the dialog more realistic, and you've got me. (But, of course, that's just -me-; others may and will differ :) )

Dagnabbit, I went over my 10 lines again :)

[Sheila]

Jon, don't withhold your insight for the sake of brevity! I always learn so much from your posts, no matter the length.

Lorraine, I was a no for the prologue for the reasons Ray mentioned - it was a bit of a cliche, in need of something new. I liked the imagery you created, but it just wasn't enough for me.

You had me with the first line of your chapter, though. I would have turned the page to see how Maia's day turned out.

[mai]

I agree with Ray's assessment of the prologue. Even so, I liked the prologue's style and emotional conflict enough so I'd have turned the page. (I've been reading Salman Rushdie a lot, so maybe I have more patience than a lot of readers.) I turned on the chapter, too. Both sections connected strongly with this reader -- the story is still with me, and I'm wondering about the connection between the two. Within the prolixity of the prologue is a very rich scene. Ray's advice will help it stand more proud (in the carpentry or sculpting sense of the word).

[kathy]

I like the prologue. The mood was dark and that was enticing, however had it been much longer the heavy writing would caused me to skim ahead.

[Kami]

A reluctant no to both for me.

I was right there with the storm and the woman with the baby, until the fog and the rain--I stopped to wonder if I'd ever seen fog and rain together before. And then the queen was after the baby. I thought uh oh, that's cliche', I hope that's the only cliche' and that this isn't modeled after Willow or follows a fairy tale I know inside and out without taking a good hard turn or twist early on. And then the character stops and sobs. I really don't care for characters in trouble who stop and think when they should be running, or staggering, or hiding. It was the sobbing her heart out, thinking about all the bad that happened, that tipped it solidly into melodrama and made the prologue a no.

In the chapter, the name Maia, unfortunately, hit my cliche' meter into the warning zone right away too. Maia anymore seems like a very popular female fantasy genre earth-touchy name, though it's not as popular as Raven and all its variations (Ravyn, Revan, etc.) And though the conversation was cute, it didn't really compel me. I also saw the danger of upcoming animal noises: a quip, a snort and a sang don't seem like much but these saidisms come awfully close together, which builds a soft dread in me that I'll eventually see an ejaculation. She also talks and sticks her tongue out at the same time. Can't quite picture that.

There's a lot there to like, though. There's voice, there's mood--keep writing!

[Mai]

About fog and rain, when the ground and waters are very cold, and the air above is warm and wet, rain can be falling, and yet a very thick fog rising, as the warm wet air is cooled at ground level.

In NYC, which is at sea-level and surrounded by salt or brackish water bodies, it happens several times a year, in most years, usually springtime -- especially if there's old snow on the ground when the rain starts. The effect is mysterious-looking. The air is strange to feel -- dank and chilly if you look down or straight ahead, and fresh and warm if you look up into the rain. If it happens in daylight, the sky overhead can be very bright even though rain is falling and fog is rising. Yesterday, a mild version of this effect happened. It was a coolish summer and fall, and the ground and waters are a few degrees chillier than normal for this time of year. A warm wet front came through, and the moist air was warmer than the ground and the water in the ocean, rivers, harbor, so fog rose from the ground and waters as the rain fell. The temperature difference was slight, so the fog was light and spotty. This early morning, it's still raining. The temperature difference between air and ground is less, so there's no fog.

Also, I've stayed in high-altitude places where layers of clouds have been below me, acting like fog in the valleys and hollows, while overhead the sky has been clear, or there has been another layer of clouds, which have darkened the sky, or produced rain or snow.

I've known times in my own life when I should have been doing what I needed to do for survival, but instead I've been lost within powerful emotions. This reader finds characters who act against their own interests, or who are particularly complex or contradictory, compelling because they're like what life and people are about.

[Kami]

Whether the rain and fog is possible or not, I did feel compelled to mention that I stopped to think about it. Around here in the Pac NW I've been in the cloud layer and have it misting or lightly raining. But I don't consider clouds the same as fog. The actual fog effects sound really neat, and if they were described that way in the story, I wouldn't have stopped to think. I would have just enjoyed the experience.

[Deschanel]

I hate prologues. Hate them, and agents I've read do too. It's exposition and set-up, to me it's like a comedian explaining the joke s/he's about to tell.