Flogometer for Jon: would you keep reading?

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Tell me something, please
What does FtQ do for you (if anything)? How does it help you (if at all)? Please email me with your feedback. And thanks.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Jon has sent two alternative openings for his first chapter. Will either of them get you to turn the page? Number 1’s first 16 lines:

Henry's Wall loomed ten meters high, twice the height of the ramparts that held back the Coral Desert and the voracious Bugs that tunneled beneath its restless sands. The Wall provided a stark contrast to the city's fortifications; while the outer walls were quarried whitestone, scratched dull by the patient desert's endless abrasion, Henry's Wall was graffiti-littered concrete, three meters thick and the color of drying blood.

On Po-side, the human side, where the Marketplace buzzed with commerce from dawn to dusk, the ubiquitous stamping boot was the running motif. Stencils were available, if a would-be protestor/vandal knew where to look. A quick burst of spray would leave the ghost of a boot, bent at the ball of the foot with six improbably-long legs curled around the toe from underneath.

On the side the humans called Freaktown and the Betas called home, wind-borne sand tended to collect on the ground (snip)

Number 2 alternative:

Every time I think I can't hate this city any more, I do. At night, I hate the way the winds send the red sands sleeting against the outer walls with a sound like eternity passing. During the day, I hate the way the sun soaks through my body armor to run down my chest and pool in my boots like blood.

I hate my brother's wall, the one they call Henry's Wall. I hate the way it looms like a bloody shadow. I hate the way it divides the city: the east side, Po-side; the west, Freaktown. The east side, human; the west side, beast.

I hate the Peacekeepers, perched atop Henry's Wall and the towers that thrust up from it like fists. I hate the way their plasguns never stop moving, the way they never stop looking for a legal kill.

But most of all, I hate myself. For agreeing to a plan that made me one of them, however temporarily. For needing to sneak back to Po under a dead man's name. For causing it all.

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Alternative 1 didn’t do it, but #2 worked
The first opening, while well written, is scene-setting from an omniscient point of view. While interesting stuff, for me it raised no story questions, at least none about people.

Alternative 2, while intense, raised lots of story questions and had the intimacy and passion of first person. While I hope it eases up a little, I did want to read more to find out what was going to happen to this very unhappy man in this new world. You also get scene information through Jon’s use of experiential description—while you learn about blowing sand, the protagonist characterizes it, and, in the process, characterizes himself. This is one of the topics in my upcoming book, Jump-start Your Novel with Kitty-cats in Action.

Comments, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

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Donations go to the cost of hosting FtQ.

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2008 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Deana]

Jon, your first version is a great example of a writer not connecting with the reader by not providing a character to connect with.

Plus the opening sentence was rather awkwardly worded, stiff, and seemed to have been stuffed with information rather than made to evoke a mood or setting.

The second version was better, lighter, more engaging, but way, way, waaaaaaaaay too negative, IMO. Personally I would put that book down as fast as I could if I was browsing in a bookstore. My thoughts would be that I would not pay $12.95 to read some character vomiting their angst all over the pages. We've got enough angst in the world.

Of course you could say that it gets better, just wait, sure he hates everything but hey just hang in there.

No thanks. Solid writing or not, if the first page is what we're judging on, then this would be a run-don't-walk NO from me.

[Mer]

I guess I'm all about angst, because the second version worked for me, and I would have turned the page to find out about the plan, and what it is the main character caused. (I would lose the "however temporarily" line -- that seemed to drain the tension. We can find out about that detail later.) Otherwise, I found the writing very immediate and engaging. BTW, the "I hate" repetition worked for me as a literary device, but I agree that it probably went on a bit long. Nice job, Jon.

[Sheila]

The world building in the first bit was engaging, I thought, and drew me in. But I see Ray's point about the second bit, where you combine the world building with a protagonist and it becomes more compelling.

The first sentence of the second section didn't work for this reader, though. "Every time I think I can't hate this city any more, I do." While I like the simplicity of this line, it seems to me that, logically, something has to happen for him to hate it more, instead of him just hating it more. I'm not saying that well, and I'm in a rush, but, for me it would work better if it the second clause was more descriptive of what makes him hate it more.

Me, I enjoy dystopian novels, and the angst that goes with them. "For causing it all," is the hook that had me wanting more.

Good work.

[heather]

I love #2. It sets the scene and gives us glimpes into the character's psyche all at the same time. That's great writing.

I do think that the "I hate.." pattern could be cut shorter. I think after the first paragraph, the "I hate" can just be implied and still be effective. Then perhaps bring back the "I hate" to the last paragraph. That said, I don't necessarily think it should be done that way. I like repetition. :)

I want to know more, so job well done.

[Linda]

The line about hating his city more was the start of the hook for me. I want to know why, so would turn the page to find out. And then of course, I want to find out what he caused. I don't find it too negative either. There is something really deep going on here, and I want to know what it is.

[Kami]

I liked the first line to the second opening a lot. It hooked me. Having said that, like others the hate repetition went on too long for me. I wanted to know what the character planned to do about it, if anything. Also, I have a strong aversion to someone working alongside people who have a dangerous job (and it sounds dangerous to me) who disdains all of them. That's some pretty hypocritical stuff. Now if he had a bunch of buds who felt the same, I wouldn't react that way. But as long as he's the only one who hates the job and the only one who sees how wrong it is then I'm sorry, he's way too 'special' for me and will come off like a Gary Stew.

[mai]

With good cover art and publicity, this reader would have turned on variation 1, and even without cover art or publicity, on variation 2.

The discursion was too impersonal in 1, and the "hates" hammered too repetitively in 2, but I liked the setting and quality of writing in both, enough to go with either.

(This past spring I read "My Name is Red" by Orhan Pamuk. I'm now finishing "The Enchantress of Florence" by Salman Rushdie. Both books have desert city settings. When I read your first FtQ submission, scenes in Pamuk's book floated up in my mind. Rushdie's book has an imperial city actually built of red stone, which became the the fortresses, palaces and mosques of Old Delhi. Both writers are good at setting scenes that are both lyrical and tension-filled. You might enjoy either or both books. Rushdie's book is a slog through the first half, but the second half is a delight. I don't dog-ear books, but the second half of "The Enchantress" has about 30 dog-eared pages. Several sections in the second half made me laugh out loud, and I was reading on public transportation, and I'm shy, so that says a lot for that part of the book. Pamuk's book engaged me deeply all the way through. I mention these two books not only for their settings, but also because they're lyrical enough that some sections of them can be read as long prose poems, and a bit of a poetic mindset could help soften the edges of the hammering "hates" in number 2.)

[Jon]

Thanks, all!

One question. For opening 2, would the fact that Line 17 starts another character's POV, from 3p this time, alter your decision to keep reading, if you happened to flip the page?

The line is:

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Abi's baby wouldn't stop crying. She was afraid it was the Virus.
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I'm not sure how many POV characters will end up in this thing, but in the first couple of chapters I'm trying to paint a broad picture of the city and its history through a bunch of different viewpoints and the effects the Virus (and the Alphas ("Sluts), Betas ("Freaks"), and Omegas ("Bugs") that the Virus caused) has on each of them. So I wanted to start strong and hooky, and keep hooking with short punchy scenes until the reader:

a) Has most of the background without me having to dump it on them... and

b) Has bonded with (or has established hate-bonds with) each of the characters.

They're all interlinked, you see, and the ones you despise at first might not be the ones you find yourself hating at the end...

...if I can pull it off... :)

So, anyway, too-long-as-usual post short, how would line 17 affect your desire to continue reading or not?

Thanks!

[Jessica]

I liked the description in the first opening, though the use of / made me want to scream. But the second description really sang for me. The second opening gave not just the information conveyed in the first, but also a world of information about the narrator, who fascinated me. And the second opening was a snake-basket full of story questions, whereas the first opening asked no questions at all.

I might have turned the page for the first opening, but if I were looking at the second opening while perusing the book in a bookstore, I'd whip out my cash.

[Jessica]

I liked the description in the first opening, though the use of / made me want to scream. But the second description really sang for me. The second opening gave not just the information conveyed in the first, but also a world of information about the narrator, who fascinated me. And the second opening was a snake-basket full of story questions, whereas the first opening asked no questions at all.

I might have turned the page for the first opening, but if I were looking at the second opening while perusing the book in a bookstore, I'd whip out my cash.