Flogometer for Janelle: would you keep reading?

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Tell me something, please
What does FtQ do for you (if anything)? How does it help you (if at all)? Please email me with your feedback. And thanks.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Janelle has sent an “inspirational historical (1830).” Her first 16 lines:

Paisley survived a venomous snake bite, escaped from a tribe of cannibals, and forged across crocodile infested waters, but all the dangers in her life seemed like a stroll in Hyde Park compared to the hazards inside this ballroom of a London mansion. With a wary glance around her elaborate surroundings, she leaned into her pretty cousin to whisper, “Going to a ball is on the top of the list of my most hateablist things.”

Ruby gave her an amused smile. “Is hateablist an American word?”

“No. It’s my word. I made it up.”

Ruby’s mother cast them a harsh glare of rebuke. “The daughter and niece of the Earl of Hastings should not be seen whispering. It’s the height of rudeness.”

Paisley loved her aunt, but she loved provoking her even more. “Aunty, on the coach ride here you said not referring to the aristocracy with their proper titles was the height of rudeness, and before that you said laughing out loud was the height of rudeness. In the multitude of degrees of rudeness, which one is truly the height?”

She let out a longsuffering sigh. “Paisley, what am I going to do with you? This is the Duke and Duchess of Manchester’s ball. The event of the season. It’s one of the most important nights of Ruby’s life. Don’t ruin it for her.”

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I turned the page
I liked that Janelle started with a scene, the Paisley character has considerable appeal, and the last line hinted at just enough trouble ahead for me to turn at least one page. I must say that this reads more like an historical romance, starting with young women at a ball and all that. I’m sure the inspirational stuff comes later. However. . .some notes: it.

Paisley had survived a venomous snake bite, escaped from a tribe of cannibals, and forged across crocodile infested waters, but all the dangers in her life seemed like a stroll in Hyde Park compared to the hazards inside this ballroom of a London mansion. With a wary glance around her elaborate surroundings (thoughtstarter) She gazed at the ballroom’s overdone red and gilt wallpaper and crystal chandeliers, and then leaned into her pretty cousin to whisper, “Going to a ball is on the top of the list of my most hateablist things.” (I thought “this ballroom of a London mansion” was a bit clumsy, and the descriptive sentence was more telling than showing, so the suggestion is a way to get in the fact that they’re in a ballroom and to give an actual picture of it. The addition of “overdone” makes the description “experiential,” filtered through the POV character’s view of things.)

Ruby gave her an amused smiled. “Is hateablist an American word?”

“No. It’s my word. I made it up.”

Ruby’s mother cast them a harsh glare of rebuke. “The daughter and niece of the Earl of Hastings should not be seen whispering. It’s the height of rudeness.”

Paisley loved her aunt, but she loved provoking her even more. “Aunty, on the coach ride here you said not referring to the aristocracy with their proper titles was the height of rudeness, and before that you said laughing out loud was the height of rudeness. In the multitude of degrees of rudeness, which one is truly the height?” (I liked this saucy response. The girl has both spunk and a sense of humor.)

She let out a longsuffering sigh. “Paisley, what am I going to do with you? This is the Duke and Duchess of Manchester’s ball. The event of the season. It’s one of the most important nights of Ruby’s life. Don’t ruin it for her.” (That last line was enough to provoke me to wonder what would this charming but rebellious girl do to ruin things.)

As you see, there were a few too many adjectives for me, especially ones such as "elaborate" that doesn't really convey a picture. Watch out for telling rather than showing. A couple of notes on what follows. The first chapter is 23 pages long—I’d look for places to break it up, ending the breaks with some kind of suspense. Also, you have Paisley “Trying to find the oxygen in the room.” I think her knowing about oxygen in 1830 might be a bit of an anachronism—would a young woman, the daughter of a missionary, know about such things?

Comments, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2008 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Deana]

This is cute and very light. I do get the feeling of a very young author/narrator. Was this done intentionally?

I like your voice but watch out for cliches, caricatures and over-writing. If polished it might make a fun read. Becky Sharp has always been one of my favorites although much of the charm was in the subtlety.

By the way, Ray, nice pic! Veddy nice. :)

[Jon]

Yes, from me.

I'd say "Paisley HAD survived" to make the flow of things clearer...

...and "pretty" in "her pretty cousin" seemed superfluous; the piece nearly lost me at that one.

But the dialog snagged me, and hard. It made me grin here in my work-cube, and if you get me grinning at a character's dialog you get me liking the character... and if you get me liking the character you've gone a long way toward getting me to buy the book.

Couple of little side notes --

+ I'd maybe cut "Paisley loved... ...more" because you can probably show it better than telling;

+ It would be "crocodile-infested," because when you're creating a compound adjective, hyphens (or en-dashes, I can't remember) are used to show that linkage. Otherwise, when the reader is scanning it's not immediately clear if she's forged across crocodiles or waters. (if that makes sense.)

...and that's it. Loved it!

[Crimsonsilk]

I liked it a lot, the character voice is sparkly and fresh; I agree that she sounds young and wonder if this is deliberate. If so, it comes across very well.

The imagery is immediate, and there is enough detail and promise of action to make me read more than one page in pursuit of it.

I would love to read more.

(Also have to echo Deanna, like the new pic Ray ;))

[Wendy]

I liked the narrative voice, and immediately wondered about the snake bite, the cannibals, and the crocs. I agree that the narrator/author sounds very young. The voice and the character of Paisley is fresh as a result. I did, however, think that Paisley's name, and her made-up word "hateablist" (which should be "hateablest" if it means "most hatable") added an anachronistic note to this historical. In 1830, even the travel-seasoned daughter of American missionaries is far more likely to say "most hateful" or "most despicable".

[Kami]

I'm afraid this is a no for me, though I suspect that's because I didn't 'get' it. The character sounded more like a Mary Sue than a character who is the focus of a humor piece is the main reason. I hunted around for reasons for this impression, but I didn't come up with much. Maybe it's because it focuses as much if not more on the setting rather than the interplay of characters? Maybe it's because the other characters aren't behaving or speaking in a particularly comical way? Anyway, don't mind me; looks like plenty of others enjoyed this.

I agree with Ray regarding the overwriting. I'd also watch the sentence lengths. There are some really long sentences, and they don't need to be that way.