Flogometer for Tara: would you keep reading?

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4-year Anniversary
This month marks four years that I've been doing Flogging the Quill, averaging almost 2 posts per week. As a result, I've made many Internet friends and am producing a book of the best of FtQ. Titled Jump-start Your Novel with Kitty-cats in Action, it incorporates many "coachings" on storytelling and craft and some floggings.

If you'd like to be notified when it's available, please email me and I'll send you a note.

And, if you haven't yet answered these questions, please do. What does FtQ do for you (if anything)? How does it help you (if at all)? Please email me with your feedback. And thanks.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Tara's romantic comedy with paranormal elements, the first 16 lines:

"Go talk to him." Amy bumps her hip against mine, knocking me closer to the cute executive by the elevator.

"No! He's way out of my league," I hiss back in a biting whisper.

She closes the distance between herself and the man in the expensive suit and squeezes his bicep. "Hmm, he's yummy. Come on." She's got that petulant, pleading look on her face. The one that always seems to get me into trouble. "Junie, do it for me. Please?"

I let out a gush of air, knowing I've been suckered in once more. I can't deny her anything. I step forward and proceed to drop the pile of papers I'm holding. Right at his feet.

*

Amy and I have been best friends since the first grade. We spent Friday nights eating pizza and playing with Barbie Dolls. Long summer afternoons were for trading Nancy Drew books. We gabbed about boys during marathon phone calls. But ever since she died, she has really started to get on my nerves.

Don't get me wrong, I still love her with all my heart, but she has gotten me into quite a bit of trouble over the years.

Take the time she made me go to that frat party in college and get drunk off the "punch". I'm still finding videos on the Internet of my impromptu striptease on the coffee table.

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Craft issues, not story, held me up
While I enjoyed the action with the ghostly friend and the apparent premise, there were other issues that caused me to hesitate, and then stop. While the writing is good, and clean, some what I see as overwriting at the beginning and a lack of a sure hand on the pacing kept this from being compelling for me. Notes:

"Go talk to him." Amy bumps her hip against mine, knocking me closer to the cute executive by the elevator. (I wouldn't mind a clue that Amy is a ghost here. While there is a certain level of tension created when we think that she's real, the revelation leaves me feeling a little bit hoodwinked when it happens. I think that a ghost bumping someone raises plenty of story questions without the pseudo tension. For example, later we learn that it took the ghost a while to learn how to "touch." Thought-starter: Once again I wish she hadn't learned how to touch me with her ghostly whatever a couple of years back. Or something like that.)

"No! He's way out of my league," I hiss back in a biting whisper. (Here's the first overwriting, for me. For one thing, people don't really hiss words. And what is a "biting" whisper? It's not easy to put tonality into a whisper. Why not just have her whisper? And have the man notice?)

She closes the distance between herself and the man in the expensive suit and squeezes his bicep. "Hmm, he's yummy. Come on." She's got that petulant, pleading look on her face. The one that always seems to get me into trouble. "Junie, do it for me. Please?" (Second instance of overwriting -- the whole bit about closing the distance. Was all that necessary? Also, if she squeezes his bicep, wouldn't he notice? I would. Consider some other gesture that wouldn't cause dissonance.)

I let out a gush of air, knowing I've been suckered in once more. I can't deny her anything. I step forward and proceed to drop the pile of papers I'm holding. Right at his feet. (More overwriting. The reader will fill in simple action and there's no need to clutter narrative with minutia of detai.)

*

(I didn't think this separation was necessary, and it cost a line space.)

Amy and I have been best friends since the first grade. We spent Friday nights eating pizza and playing with Barbie Dolls. Long summer afternoons were for trading Nancy Drew books. We gabbed about boys during marathon phone calls. But ever since she died, she has really started to get on my nerves. (We're slipping into backstory here, and that's a pace and momentum killer. Limit it to what we need to understand what's going on.)

Don't get me wrong, I still love her with all my heart, but she has gotten me into quite a bit of trouble over the years. (I'd keep the love part and attach it to the previous paragraph, but the rest is just telling and not necessary.)

Take the time she made me go to that frat party in college and get drunk off the "punch". I'm still finding videos on the Internet of my impromptu striptease on the coffee table. (Now we're into full backstory mode, and on the first page. For me, get on with the interaction with the cute executive.)

So. Good stuff, and then too much extra. Focus on story, Tara, and you'll stand a much better chance of engaging your reader.

Comments, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

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Donations go to the cost of hosting FtQ.

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
3. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
4. If you're in a hurry, I've done "private floggings," $50 for a first chapter.
5. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it's okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2008 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Kami]

This was really close for me, but I voted no mainly because the situation in the elevator lacked subtly and consequences. The character is whispering (to herself as far as anyone in the elevator can tell, and they would notice because elevators are really small and there's no privacy!) and dropping papers in front of a guy trying to get his attention. I love love love that her ghost friend can touch her and knock her off balance, but I think by now she would have adapted much better to dealing with this. Otherwise people will think she's insane or on drugs, wobbling off balance for no reason, dropping stuff, whispering to herself, etc. I'd like to see her really struggle to maintain normality--either have people notice and she's clever about covering what's going on, or have her successfully avoid being knocked around, or last, have her fail to maintain and have people notice so that there's consequences to her inexplicable behavior. As far as the guy, other than biceps, he's a statue, completely without feeling, motion, or personality. I'd like to see more about him right away so that I understand the appeal. Either give her a reputation for being a wacko, or give her some chance to appear normal. This is one area where having cake and eating it too doesn't work.

[Jon]

No, for me, alas.

The fact that I didn't know at first that Amy was a ghost made me think of the interaction with the guy in the elevator -very- strangely; some girl walks up to him, puts her hands around his arm, and he ... does nothing. He's a block of wood. In the first paragraph, they're having a conversation on an elevator; it's not like it's hard to hear other folks' conversations in such an enclosed space.

Rather than making me curious how this could be (I assume this was the intent), it made me question the writer's ability to tell a story with believable characters, and lost me right there.

Leading with Amy's being dead, and their relationship still being strong--that's the most interesting part of their relationship by far, in these first lines--would have hooked me much better.

Good luck!

[Norm]

I voted no because of where I thought it was going. I read the bit before the break. And skimmed after the break; it looked like backstory.

I wondered how on earth someone could squeeze a guy's biceps and not be noticed. I needed to know that it was a ghost did the squeezing.

I think it might work better if I knew sooner that her friend was dead. Perhaps start with, "Ever since Amy died, she has really started to get on my nerves." Then go to "Go on. Ask him. I double-dog dare you."

Good luck.

[Sheila]

I like the premise here, but have to agree with the others.

I think you could fix some things very easily, though. Maybe add some more people waiting for the elevator, so the whispering isn't heard, and nobody really notices her stumbling.

You write that Amy "closes the distance between herself and the man" which at first I thought was odd choice of words. Why not "stepped closer?" Then I found out that Amy is a ghost. So, perhaps you could make this more evident by saying that Amy "floated around the man, taking in the view with a lascivious eye, and then squeezed his bicep. He continued to read his newspaper, unaware."

Keep at it!

[Eric]

Between the blocking in the elevator ("closes the distance?" How big is this lift?), the confusion about the opening dialogue, and the unheard whisper in an elevator (maybe it IS a huge elevator), I had to pass.

Another, smaller thing put me off a bit. This ghost, the MC's best friend, convinced her to get drunk at a frat party and do a strip tease. That says two things: the MC uses her friend as an excuse for irresponsible behavior and/or what kind of friend puts her friend into spots like that? The girls I knew in college and the women I know now tend more to protect each other rather than encourage each other to peel off their shirts...because of the possible consequences.

[Sheila]

Eric's post reminded me that I was also put off by the ghost friend being complicit in getting the MC drunk at the frat party. I don't think this makes her a very sympathetic character.

Also, I didn't think they were IN the elevator, as many people commenting have suggested. Perhaps you should make this clearer as well.

[Mai]

I thought Ray's comments said it all, pretty much. I would not have turned the page, but there's definitely a story here, worthy of more work. To say in a nutshell what I think the problem is: the author hasn't gotten into her main character deeply enough. The dissonances of relationships, space, time and actions come from a somewhat-removed connection to the character. If the author can truly get inside her character, I think she will find many of the issues mentioned going away.