Flogometer for Richard: would you keep reading?

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What does FtQ do for you (if anything)? How does it help you (if at all)? Please email me with your feedback. And thanks.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Richard's first 16 lines:

Mr Prince had informed William that he would be expecting a guest later this evening. When asked who it was, William had been answered with a stern look, and had asked no further questions. He had thought it strange at the time but had all but forgotten about it now as he became lost in the endless reports that had seen him and Mr Prince working late into the evening.

A knock on his office door as he flung a crumpled up piece of paper into a nearby bin reminded him of Mr Prince's expected guest.

'Come in,' he mumbled.

There was no response, only dead silence interrupted by the groaning of his computer.

'It's open!' he shouted this time, but still the door remained closed.

He rose from his chair and walked to the door. He suddenly stopped in his tracks as he noticed a strange smell. He sniffed the air, the smell of rot and decay filling his nostrils and causing him to scrunch up his nose in disgust. The smell seemed to be everywhere, though William could not remember smelling it until just a second ago. He passed it off as being some food that had fallen behind a stack of drawers and moved towards the door.

As he opened the door he almost stumbled over his own feet as he tried to retreat from the figure that stood before him. It was no mere human, but was no run of the mill magical creature (snip)

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Still needs work
This is very much still a first draft, I think. While the very last lines suggest something provocative about to happen, the narrative getting me to that point also suggested that there could be more rough reading ahead, craft-wise. Your first page has to be polished to a high shine. Notes:

Mr Prince had informed William that he would be expecting a guest later this evening. When asked who it was, William had been answered with a stern look, and had asked no further questions. He had thought it strange at the time but had all but forgotten about it now as he became lost in the endless reports that had seen him and Mr Prince working late into the evening. (This, as an opening, is pretty much tension-free. It seems like "clearing-the-throat" narrative to me, telling us we don't really need to know. I'll add a little to the following to make up for what I've cut that's necessary.)

A knock on his office door as William flung a crumpled up piece of paper into a nearby bin reminded him of Mr Prince's expected guest.

He looked up from his stack of reports. 'Come in.' he mumbled.

There was no response, only dead silence interrupted by the groaning of his computer. ("Dead" silence may be a joke here, considering what's coming, but it's a cliché nonetheless. I'd just delete it. And "groaning" from his computer? I've never heard mine groan. This description took me out of the narrative.)

'It's open!' he shouted this time, but still t The door remained closed.

He went rose from his chair and walked to the door, then. He suddenly stopped in his tracks as when he noticed a strange smell. He sniffed the air, the smell of rot and decay filleding his nostrils and causing him to scrunch up his nose in disgust. The smell seemed to be everywhere, though William could not remember smelling it until just a second before. ago He passed it off as being some food that had fallen behind a stack of drawers and moved towards the door. (Plenty of overwriting here and another cliché makes its appearance [stopped in his tracks]. This is where the need for tightening and polishing began to be clear.)

As When he opened the door he almost stumbled over his own feet as in his he tried to retreat from the figure that stood before him. It was no mere human, but was no run-of-the-mill magical creature (snip) (I frequently see "as" when "when" really ought to be used. It's a cause-and-effect thing. He doesn't stumble until after he opens the door and sees the creature, not simultaneously. This, plus the third cliché on the first page [run-of-the-mill] stopped me.)

Interestingly, or maybe not, this character is killed at the end of the chapter. Whether he comes back to life or not, I don't know. If he doesn't figure in the story any more, I wouldn't make the reader invest time in becoming interested in a character who is just cannon fodder. I think Richard has an interesting story brewing, but work is needed to get there from here, in my view.

Comments, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
3. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
4. If you're in a hurry, I've done "private floggings," $50 for a first chapter.
5. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it's okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2008 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Amy Nathan]

A pet peeve of many agents (or so I've read) and perhaps of many readers is a character that is killed at the end of the first chapter. If the author wants him to be the dead guy, that's fine, but then don't write a chapter about him.

It was obvious to me as well that this was a very preliminary draft. Perhaps had the author gotten to his second or third draft he'd have realized on his own that this was an unnecessary part of the chapter.

If someone read my first drafts, I'd be horrified. They'd wonder if English was my first language!

[Mai]

Reading through all the had's in the first paragraph was like slogging through thigh-deep mud.

My PC should groan, but it never does. (If your PC makes strange noises, stop working immediately and call for service, because something's seriously wrong.)

A man scrunching up his nose isn't an attractive thought. A girl or a rabbit scrunching up a nose is a different matter.

A man thinking about and then dismissing food that's fallen behind a bookcase -- especially if he thinks it's begun to rot -- is also unattractive.

Despite the sometimes-awkward writing, there's something to this story. If the writing had been more polished, I'd have turned the page.

[benwah023]

Scanning the first line, I see "Prince...William" and wonder if there's a Harry and a Charles in our future.

Ditto the above comment on all the "hads."

I thought the spoiled food comment was potentially interesting, if not employed to its best use. Use it as a descriptive of the smell, but don't have the MC dismiss it. "William nearly gagged on his way to the door. What was that smell? It was awful, like somebody'd left their lunch to rot behind the radiator." But he's thinking this as he pulls open the door.

I also tripped over your last line: "No mere human, but no run-of-the-mill magical creature either." The next magical creature I encounter will be my first, so this description essentially tells me nothing.

The monster behind the door is a good start, but trim and tighten to boost the tension.

[Kami]

This is where tastes run really different--I really liked this. I thought the voice had a very distinct tone that made me think of England and formal sensibilities. I'd have the expectation that it would read something like Jonathon Strange and Mr. Norrell if written carefully. Words like 'bin' and the names employed with title (Mr. as opposed to first name basis) suggested this sort of atmosphere, as well as the rhythm of the words.

Which means I stumbled on the computer, not hard, but I reworked the setting in my head toward a kind of formal, antiquated culture with current technology at its fingertips, something I've enjoyed in the past.

I also glitched on the shouted--either use the exclamation point and not the shout or use a comma and say shout. I prefer the exclamation point and then an action tag with no shout, personally.

I am disappointed to learn this character dies. I have a strong dislike for opening chapters where the character dies--we then have to start from square one in Chapter Two, and surprisingly often, the actual pov character is less interesting than the first one. But I wouldn't automatically assume Mr. Williams is done for--this is clearly a horror or dark fantasy and death isn't always permanent.

[Jon]

I voted no, alas.

(Sorry to have been so long away, btw, for those who got anything from my feedbacking. Work has been crushing me down like a big thing that crushes people down.)

The thing that entertained me here was "was no run of the mill magical creature." Packed in this line was the idea that there -are- run-of-the-mill magical creatures in Willie's world. It's been done, and well, lately--Jim Butcher and Lilith Saintcrow among the practitioners--but it still tickles me.

The idea that something as smelly as a very smelly critter (dead, apparently) could be passed off as a sandwich also tickled me.

Both these things give me a "fun" feeling (as does the groaning computer), divorced from the reality I know. If that's what the writer was going for, I suggest playing it up.

The big problem I have with this piece is that the character is almost just a name to me.

Something the writer might try to address this: from the first line, try giving Willie a Want. It can be as small (as the saying goes) as a glass of water, but whatever it is, it would allow us to hope for him to get it, and thus start bonding with him. Frex, Bill's working late. How does he feel about that? What would he rather be doing?

Note how, in answering those questions, the writer starts building a character from the first moments. William -was- a faceless office drone before he had wants; if he had a date, or a job interview, or friends kept waiting, or a favorite TV show, he's automatically more of a person.

Good luck with this piece, Richard!

[Deana]

Ray -- would it be less obtrusive to this writer's "voice" to do something like this instead?

As written:

'It's open!' he shouted this time, but still the door remained closed.

Ray changed to:

'It's open!' The door remained closed.

How about:

He shouted, "It's open!" but the door remained closed.

I know, it's nit-picky but I wonder if once your chopping instinct gets going, it becomes too easy to inadvertently change the original voice?