Flogometer for Pam: would you keep reading?

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Tell me something, please
What does FtQ do for you (if anything)? How does it help you (if at all)? Please email me with your feedback. And thanks.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Pam’s first 16 lines:

Shayda's Name had only ever been safe in old Gebah's mouth and now that Name was washed away in Long River, and old Gebah too dead to give her a new one. For two full leagues beyond her people's territory, she had chased her Name as it tumbled with waters raging from spring thaw, until it disappeared around a south bend into a deep gorge where she could not follow.

The river wasn't supposed to take her Name—no water could. Shayda knew that like breathing. Fire was to claim it, and not until summer solstice. But now here she was, fallen to her knees, breathless, Nameless, and far from a hearth of Home.

Even gasping for air and coughing blood, Shayda knew her last concern was pointless. There would be no hearth nor Home for her among the People without her Name nor anyone she could trust, or afford, to Gift her a new one. Everything was gone, lost to her whose only valued possession had been the Name which bound her small world together. The Name which had taken to water without her.

Too winded to voice the keening pain of her loss, Shayda's only sign of mourning was to act without prudence alone in the Wilds.

Without care for damp earth or setting sun, Shayda collapsed onto her side heaving for air on the last stretch of grassy sand before the cavern swallowed all but the back-blown sprays of (snip)

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It was enough
A clear, distinct voice, the promise of an interesting and new world, and good story questions were enough to get me to turn the page. Not that there weren’t concerns. . .

Shayda's Name had only ever been safe in old Gebah's mouth, and now that Name was washed away in Long River, and old Gebah too dead to give her a new one. For two full leagues beyond her people's territory, she had chased her Name as it tumbled with waters raging from spring thaw, until it disappeared around a south bend into a deep gorge where she could not follow. (For me, the notion of old Gebah being too dead was an interesting “world feature.” Did it mean that she’s not all dead? A nice, subtle touch.)

The river wasn't supposed to take her Name—no water could. Shayda knew that like breathing. Fire was to claim it, and not until summer solstice. But now here she was, fallen to her knees, breathless, Nameless, and far from a hearth of Home.

Even gGasping for air and coughing blood, Shayda knew her last concern was pointless. Tthere would be no hearth or nor Home for her among the People without her Name. nor Nor would there be anyone she could trust, or afford, to Gift her a new one. Everything was gone, lost to her whose only valued possession had been the Name which bound her small world together. The Name which had taken to water without her.

Too winded to voice the keening pain of her loss, Shayda's only sign of mourning was to act without prudence alone in the Wilds. (I just didn’t get this. It’s very distant from the character’s point of view, and I didn’t understand why acting without prudence was a sign of mourning. I think this needs to either be more clear or cut. I would go for cutting it and getting on with the story.)

Without care for damp earth or setting sun, Shayda collapsed onto her side, heaving for air on the last stretch of grassy sand before the cavern swallowed all but the back-blown sprays of (snip) (Clarity issue here—first it was a gorge, and now it’s a cavern. To my mind, they are very different things. Which is it?)

I don’t know what’s going on, exactly, with the Name, but it sounds dire, and the character is sympathetic, willing to run until coughing blood to catch her Name, so I wanted to hear more.

Comments, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

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Donations go to the cost of hosting FtQ.

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
3. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
4. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
5. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2008 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Kami]

I was intrigued by the idea, but it read as overwrought. Folks have mentioned the language, and I agree to an extent. I'm okay with poetic language. Here it was a shade too much. Too much echo, too much abstract action and not enough concrete action for me. I'm not talking about verbs and sentence structure (though those could have used some tweaking, especially paring down the number of times Name is used and including more language that will help give me a better sense of what Name really means.) What I'm talking about is that it's hard for me to get excited about an abstract subject.

This is the equivalent, to me, of I lost my Marbles. Where oh where are my Marbles? How will I ever find Them? As opposed to someone who is really struggling with their sanity in a concrete way.

When she struggles to catch her Name, I get more of a sense of flying along than actually trying to run along a river, which is incredibly hard and complicated, not like running around a paved track where getting enough air and dealing with lactic acid buildup is all you're concerned about. That flying sense adds to the abstraction. And what does her Name look like, that she can catch it? Is it a glimmer of thought in the river and all she has to do is touch it to get it back? That would be more concrete than chasing an idea that has no real presence for the reader other than a word on the page.

This could work as a short story opening for me, maybe, but facing a novel like this? Sorry, but I would put the book down. But clearly others would love it, and it may work in the literary markets rather than speculative fiction.

Kami

[Mai]

From this point onward:

"...raging from spring thaw, until it disappeared around a south bend into a deep gorge where she could not follow..."

...the writing became too dense and overwrought. It was rather like having a one-flavor gourmet meal -- several courses with all the same main ingredients -- brilliant and interesting, but missing the relief that could be delivered by bits of contrast, irony or humor.

Yet the first sentence and a half were so well-written, and the story itself so promising of depth and mystery, that I'd have turned the page anyway, hoping the density was a single half-page stylistic glitch.

With tougher editing, this author should be able to the worlds of both literary fiction and fantasy. This opening shows great promise.

(I once cooked a multi-course all-white meal, in which each savory course used tarragon as a main herb. Each dish was lovely on its own. In planning the dinner, I'd cooked and been happy with each course separately. In putting them all together, I'd created a Johnny-One-Note kind of meal experience. Arghhh! At the end of the dinner, no one wanted to see or eat white food, or taste tarragon, for a long time. )

[Mai]

"this author should be able to the worlds of..."
should be
"this author should be able to bridge the worlds of..."

[Pam]

A big thank you to Ray and everyone who has (and will) read and comment on my first page. I've been lurking on this site for several months and knew I could trust you all for quality commentary.

I don't want to terrorize you with replies to all the comments, as much as I would love to discuss them in detail. I will say that all the comments are saved on my hard drive to use as a guide in the writing and re-writing processes.

And Ray, the "is it a gorge or is it a cavern?" question can only be answered with this: It's actually evidence of a gaping hole in the story between point-A (this opening) and point-B (where Shayda meets up with the unwitting Name thieves). I should've screened the hole and policed the wording better before hitting send. How embarrassing to have made such a basic mistake; it's like I forgot to zip my fly before leaving the little writer's room.

Thanks again for your creative energy!

[Deana]

Pam - I think your comment gives lie to Jon's assertion that you can only write flowery stuff. Your comment reads normally, with a nice flow, because you were just telling something that needed to be told and not trying to impress with the writing itself.

I think if you could carry your normal, everyday voice into your literary attempts, you would do well!

[Ray Rhamey]

Pam, don't be driven away from the unique voice you show in this excerpt. I found it intriguing, and it was part of the reason I turned the page. There are too few genuinely unique voices around, and your sounded like one. I think it would not do to bring this all the way down to your everyday voice.

Nicely, this episode of FtQ illustrates the enormous subjectivity of this business. While the voice here might make it harder to sell to a number of agents who focus on commercial fiction, it might also be the key to an agent "falling in love" enough to take it on.

For what it's worth

[Deana]

FWIW, I was suggesting a blend of your "normal" voice with your "flowery" voice. If the poll results are any indication, please consider that 3 times as many people would not have read on, and although their reasons could be different, it is still an indication of the enjoyment/readability factor.

[Jon]

Ray said:

Nicely, this episode of FtQ illustrates the enormous subjectivity of this business. While the voice here might make it harder to sell to a number of agents who focus on commercial fiction, it might also be the key to an agent "falling in love" enough to take it on.

...and I say "yup, yup, a hundred times yup." Don't change the voice whole-hog just because people tell you you should; be true to what you think the story requires. But make sure that whatever you're doing serves a purpose. If certain parts of the story want a flowery voice and others want a straightforward voice, great; if it all wants flowery, that's great too. Better to be true to the story and find the one person who loves it than slaughter the thing in search of pleasing the masses (who are never pleased) :)

[Deana]

"Better to be true to the story and find the one person who loves it..."

Let's not forget something. Ultimately, the READERS are the ultimate customers, not the agent.

Of course, if Pam is not writing to get published, that's a different story. In that case, she could just write to please herself and not worry about agents or publishers, or even readers for that matter.

But I'm willing to bet that as FTQ is a learning site for writers who DO desire publication, they would be best served by criticism that has publication in mind and will best get them where they want to go.

Realistically, these days, it's harder than ever to get published. Publishers are trying to spend less and less. They need to appeal to the greatest number of readers possible.

And as written, Pam's work failed to do that, judging by the poll. Not because she's a bad writer, but because her writing got in the way, imo.

FWIW, naturally.

[Wendy]

I liked the voice in this, and would probably have turned the page had all those nouns (Home, Name, Gift) not been capitalized. I don't know why I found it so off-putting, but I did.

I disagree with Sheila that 7 miles isn't a long way to run in a desperate chase. It's a manageable enough distance if you're enjoying the endorphin high, but if your feet are spurred by adrenaline and you're not breathing properly, you hit the wall pretty quickly. I can easily see myself falling down, exhausted and puking, after trying to chase something downriver for seven miles. (Coughing blood, not so much, unless Shayda has TB, and even then...)