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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).
Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.
Meredith has sent two possible openings for a time travel/historical romance and wants our opinions. The first first 16 lines:
Sammie pressed the cell phone to her ear and dug through her backpack, her hand closing around the cold metal of her car keys. The conversation was not going well.
“Look,” Doug said. “I’m telling you, the press has McGregor all wrong.”
Why had she bothered answering at all? She’d seen his name come up on the display. Sammie shifted her backpack and unlocked the car. Penance. For the incident in the leather chair six months ago. He hadn’t deserved that, and it had … confused things.
And because of tomorrow
-- July 14th. She always took Doug’s calls the week of the 14th. But he hadn’t mentioned Ellie, not yet.“He wants to meet you. Maybe put you on his team.”
She blew out a breath, loud enough to make sure he heard. “Magnanimous of him.”
“Hey, it’s your choice, Sammie.” She could hear the lawyerly calculation in his words. Doug offered such sentiments only when he was sure things were about to fall his way. “But how often do opportunities like Nuestra come along? We both know you want a crack at it.”
She hesitated, and shouldn’t have, because he used the moment against her. In the drop of his voice, Siren’s attorney was gone and it was him again, the man she used to love. Before.
“I wish you’d let me do this for you, Sam.”
And now the second approach:
For me, pass on number one, go on number twoSammie slid into the hard plastic booth that passed for accommodations on the ferry, gave her UCSD cap a hard tug, and scanned the passengers. One of them was Mark McGregor.
The most important meeting of her life, and she’d let Doug talk her into doing it with exactly zero prep time. And she’d be doing it on a freaking boat? She slumped into the narrow gap between the bolted-down table and vinyl-backed bench, talking the cheeseburger she’d had for lunch back into her stomach. Ugh.
She wasn’t sure whether to kiss Doug or slug him for recommending her to McGregor, but as both acts were provocative, she supposed she’d do neither. Best to leave things lie when it came to her ex-husband.
Bottom line was Doug knew she’d want a crack at Nuestra Madre. Eighteenth century shipwrecks didn’t get discovered every day, and since McGregor found the damn thing, she’d have to work with him if she wanted to work on it
-- no matter the guy’s reputation. If that meant a last-minute ferry ride to Catalina Island, well, that was her tough luck.Whatever. Sammie laid her head on the cool slab before her and groaned. First things first.
“Hey, you okay?”
She lifted her head at the man’s voice. Well, just perfect. The cute guy. She’d watched (snip)
Good, strong writing in both, I thought. It might be that the first approach is compelling enough for a romance reader (I’m not), but it didn’t get me there. But the second approach did raise enough story questions, and did promise some kind of adventure in a world I don’t know (undersea exploration of an old ship) that I turned the page.
However, I’d have liked a little hint of jeopardy to come in even
that approach. What are the stakes for her getting or not getting this
opportunity to explore? What will she lose, or stand to gain? Is there
any danger in it for her? Brief notes on approach two:
Sammie slid into the hard plastic booth that passed for accommodations on the ferry, gave her UCSD cap a hard tug, and scanned the passengers. One of them was Mark McGregor. (Acronyms such as “UCSD” are going to be meaningless to most people. Since we learn that she’s on a ferry to Catalina, I later deduced that it was University of California at San Diego. But you don’t want readers trying to figure out acronyms. Either make it more clear, or lose it. Why not simply "baseball cap," which would give a quick, clear picture? And she doesn’t know that one of the people is the guy as she hasn’t met him yet. That’s not clear here.)
The most important meeting of her life, and she’d let Doug talk her into doing it with exactly zero prep time. And she’d be doing it on a freaking boat? She slumped into the narrow gap between the bolted-down table and vinyl-backed bench, talking the cheeseburger she’d had for lunch back into her stomach. Ugh. (I liked the cheeseburger—suggests internal tension.)
She wasn’t sure whether to kiss Doug or slug him for recommending her to McGregor, but
as both acts were provocative,she supposed she’d do neither. Best to leave things lie when it came to her ex-husband.Bottom line was Doug knew she’d want a crack at Nuestra Madre. Eighteenth century shipwrecks didn’t get discovered every day, and since McGregor had found the damn thing, she’d have to work with him if she wanted to work on it
-- no matter the guy’s reputation.If that meant a last-minute ferry ride to Catalina Island, well, that was her tough luck.(The repetition of “work” was bothersome—how about “do the dive” or something else for the second one? And it didn’t seem that the destination of the ferry was a key detail to include. Use the space for hooking me with story.)Whatever. Sammie laid her head on the cool slab before her and groaned. First things first.
“Hey, you okay?”
She lifted her head at the man’s voice. Well, just perfect. The cute guy. She’d watched (snip)
In the second version, we quickly get to the love interest chap in an interesting and fun way. Keep at it Meredith. Nice work.
Comments, anyone?
For what it's worth,
Ray
Donations go to the cost of hosting FtQ.
Public floggings available. If I can post it here,
- send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
- Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2008 Ray Rhamey
"Best to leave things lie..." - regional vernacular. I enjoyed the boldness implicit in the author's use of this phrase. But how does it sell, to an agent or editor? We accept vernacular with a strong local flavor in British fiction, and for selected established American authors. How far can a new author go with regional or local vernacular?
Posted by: Mai | November 01, 2008 at 01:03 PM