Flogometer for Meredith: would you keep reading?

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Tell me something, please
What does FtQ do for you (if anything)? How does it help you (if at all)? Please email me with your feedback. And thanks.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Meredith has sent two possible openings for a time travel/historical romance and wants our opinions. The first first 16 lines:

Sammie pressed the cell phone to her ear and dug through her backpack, her hand closing around the cold metal of her car keys. The conversation was not going well.

“Look,” Doug said. “I’m telling you, the press has McGregor all wrong.”

Why had she bothered answering at all? She’d seen his name come up on the display. Sammie shifted her backpack and unlocked the car. Penance. For the incident in the leather chair six months ago. He hadn’t deserved that, and it had … confused things.

And because of tomorrow -- July 14th. She always took Doug’s calls the week of the 14th. But he hadn’t mentioned Ellie, not yet.

“He wants to meet you. Maybe put you on his team.”

She blew out a breath, loud enough to make sure he heard. “Magnanimous of him.”

“Hey, it’s your choice, Sammie.” She could hear the lawyerly calculation in his words. Doug offered such sentiments only when he was sure things were about to fall his way. “But how often do opportunities like Nuestra come along? We both know you want a crack at it.”

She hesitated, and shouldn’t have, because he used the moment against her. In the drop of his voice, Siren’s attorney was gone and it was him again, the man she used to love. Before.

“I wish you’d let me do this for you, Sam.”

And now the second approach:

Sammie slid into the hard plastic booth that passed for accommodations on the ferry, gave her UCSD cap a hard tug, and scanned the passengers. One of them was Mark McGregor.

The most important meeting of her life, and she’d let Doug talk her into doing it with exactly zero prep time. And she’d be doing it on a freaking boat? She slumped into the narrow gap between the bolted-down table and vinyl-backed bench, talking the cheeseburger she’d had for lunch back into her stomach. Ugh.

She wasn’t sure whether to kiss Doug or slug him for recommending her to McGregor, but as both acts were provocative, she supposed she’d do neither. Best to leave things lie when it came to her ex-husband.

Bottom line was Doug knew she’d want a crack at Nuestra Madre. Eighteenth century shipwrecks didn’t get discovered every day, and since McGregor found the damn thing, she’d have to work with him if she wanted to work on it -- no matter the guy’s reputation. If that meant a last-minute ferry ride to Catalina Island, well, that was her tough luck.

Whatever. Sammie laid her head on the cool slab before her and groaned. First things first.

“Hey, you okay?”

She lifted her head at the man’s voice. Well, just perfect. The cute guy. She’d watched (snip)

For me, pass on number one, go on number two
Good, strong writing in both, I thought. It might be that the first approach is compelling enough for a romance reader (I’m not), but it didn’t get me there. But the second approach did raise enough story questions, and did promise some kind of adventure in a world I don’t know (undersea exploration of an old ship) that I turned the page.

However, I’d have liked a little hint of jeopardy to come in even that approach. What are the stakes for her getting or not getting this opportunity to explore? What will she lose, or stand to gain? Is there any danger in it for her? Brief notes on approach two:

Sammie slid into the hard plastic booth that passed for accommodations on the ferry, gave her UCSD cap a hard tug, and scanned the passengers. One of them was Mark McGregor. (Acronyms such as “UCSD” are going to be meaningless to most people. Since we learn that she’s on a ferry to Catalina, I later deduced that it was University of California at San Diego. But you don’t want readers trying to figure out acronyms. Either make it more clear, or lose it. Why not simply "baseball cap," which would give a quick, clear picture? And she doesn’t know that one of the people is the guy as she hasn’t met him yet. That’s not clear here.)

The most important meeting of her life, and she’d let Doug talk her into doing it with exactly zero prep time. And she’d be doing it on a freaking boat? She slumped into the narrow gap between the bolted-down table and vinyl-backed bench, talking the cheeseburger she’d had for lunch back into her stomach. Ugh. (I liked the cheeseburger—suggests internal tension.)

She wasn’t sure whether to kiss Doug or slug him for recommending her to McGregor, but as both acts were provocative, she supposed she’d do neither. Best to leave things lie when it came to her ex-husband.

Bottom line was Doug knew she’d want a crack at Nuestra Madre. Eighteenth century shipwrecks didn’t get discovered every day, and since McGregor had found the damn thing, she’d have to work with him if she wanted to work on it -- no matter the guy’s reputation. If that meant a last-minute ferry ride to Catalina Island, well, that was her tough luck. (The repetition of “work” was bothersome—how about “do the dive” or something else for the second one? And it didn’t seem that the destination of the ferry was a key detail to include. Use the space for hooking me with story.)

Whatever. Sammie laid her head on the cool slab before her and groaned. First things first.

“Hey, you okay?”

She lifted her head at the man’s voice. Well, just perfect. The cute guy. She’d watched (snip)

In the second version, we quickly get to the love interest chap in an interesting and fun way. Keep at it Meredith. Nice work.

Comments, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray
Donations go to the cost of hosting FtQ.

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2008 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Jon]

I'm the opposite of Ray here; yes for the first one, no for the second.

The relationship issues - Sammie and Doug on the chair (hrmm...), the calls the week of the 14th (hrmmm...) -- hooked me.

On the other hand, finding out that Nuestra was a ship was a bit of a comedown. I'd thought Nuestra was a job (either a criminal job or a corporate job opportunity); also, the name Siren put me in an urban fantasy setting. In combination, I was expecting some sort of urban fantasy crime/caper story. So the story I was reading there may not have been the one you intended to tell, judging by the info revealed in the second start.

The hints, however, were nice; there were immediate questions asked, and semi-answered in a way that gave me info and made me want more.

The second one was chattier and, for me, less engaging; the only hook was whether she'd get the job, but the narrative voice, though capable, didn't make me fall in love enough to keep reading. (Also, the "the cute guy" bit was out of the blue... what cute guy?)

Too, the close of the sample has her seasickness playing a major part in the scene--she's so overwrought by it that she lays her head on the table despite the possibility of her future employer seeing her. Yet it's only mentioned at the end of paragraph 1, and again in the paragraph 6. If it's what's dominating her consciousness, I'd rather see the story lead with it.

A combination approach might be useful; have her on the phone with Doug out on the boat, arguing with him while things unfold around her.

Good luck!

[Sheila]

Personally, I preferred the second. To me, it was cleaner and more focused and the main character seemed a bit more interesting.

The first one seemed loaded with background information and it overpowered the scene at hand. We have ex-husband Doug and the chair incident, a (I'm guessing) tragedy on the 14th? Is Ellie a deceased child? An infamous man named McGregor, a project named Nuestra, and someone named Siren. For me, this is too much for the opening. Plus, the rooting around in her backpack for her keys didn't add anything to this scene. Does that tell us anything about her? Is it interesting?

The second entry opens in a more interesting setting, has immediate tension (the most important meeting of her life, and she's unprepared), and the added bonus of seasickness. But I agree with Ray that you need to up the tension a bit here.

I liked it, good luck!

[Mai]

The second was more active and compelling. Both had too much implied introspection, though the second only had a bit too much. I'd have turned the page on the second. The images of characters and setting were refreshingly well-drawn. The story was about strong enough. All the "she" and "her" ref's were just a little too many -- that's where the implied introspection quibble comes in -- about half those ref's could be dropped without destroying a good picture of what's going on. For example:

"Bottom line was Doug knew she’d want a crack at Nuestra Madre. Eighteenth century shipwrecks didn’t get discovered every day, and since McGregor found the damn thing, she’d have to work with him if she wanted to work on it -- no matter the guy’s reputation. If that meant a last-minute ferry ride to Catalina Island, well, that was her tough luck."

if edited to reduce the ref's to "she" and "her" might work liked this:

Bottom line was Doug knew she’d want a crack at Nuestra Madre. Eighteenth century shipwrecks didn’t get discovered every day. Since McGregor found the damn thing, anyone who wanted to work on it would have to work with him -- no matter the guy’s reputation. If that meant a last-minute ferry ride to Catalina Island, well, tough luck.

I think by decoupling the story from the MC's inner musings about it, the conflicts between story and main character will be stronger. The main character won't always be "digesting" bits of the story in her mind.

[Kami]

I was more engaged in the first, but the second has cleaner writing. Overall I ended up voting for the first opening because it had more story questions.

I really liked Mai's suggestion to reduce the shes and hers. It lets me as a reader access the story more readily.

[Deana]

The first one did a better job at drawing the reader into the story.

The second one seemed more confusing, and gave me the impression that the reader would be expected to work a lot harder than most readers are willing to.

[Wendy]

I liked the first opening better, though the writing could do with a little tightening. The subtle hints at backstory - the leather chair incident, taking his calls in the week of the 14th, the mention of Ellie - all hooked me, and the shift in tension when the ex's voice changed pulled me right in. I could feel that relationship immediately, and I liked it.

I did enjoy the second one, though I didn't immediately connect the rising cheeseburger with seasickness, but rather with inner tension. (This may be because I am not susceptible to seasickness myself.)

I think the first opening, because it focuses on a romantic relationships - even though a failed one - is more indicative that it's a romance. The second one is what my old boss would call 'task-oriented', and I think it would make a good second scene to the opening.

Also, hurrah for having a romance on these pages! It doesn't happen often enough.

[kathy]

Sorry, but no turn for me on the first one. The use of "her" four times in the first sentence and then and "she" after that distracted me.

[Ray Rhamey]

Order effect? With poll results being so evenly split, but with the second version doing less well, I wonder if there's an order effect here. Readers who liked the first opening would be less likely to prefer the second because of its difference from what they'd already preferred. There's no way to answer this, of course. But I need to think on it.

[Jon]

Interesting question, Ray. For me, I don't -think- that was the case. 'Course, how does one know?

[Kim]

I preferred the second one, and if I was in the mood for a romance, I would have read on.

I like being dropped into a story and having lots of tantalizing hints about things that have happened, but the first one just had too many for me. I couldn't put it together into a coherent storyline (the chair sounded like something naughty, but the 14th sounded like a tragedy and how would Ellie fit into that? The line about 'press' made me think McGregor was a politician, BTW.). If I found this in a bookstore I probably would have puzzled over it for a moment then shrugged and put it down.

"Best to leave things lie when it came to her ex-husband."

This sentence really didn't work for me. Felt awkward. "Best to leave things alone?" "Best to let things lie?"