What does FtQ do for you (if anything)? How does it help you (if at all)? Please email me with your feedback. And thanks.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).
Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.
Dai’s first 16 lines:
For two days rough strangers had been lurking near our homestead, spying on us from brush and behind trees—shifty-looking men with weapons at hand. It was all to do, my mother felt, with the old wanderer we had taken in—him and his map.
“Food and drink are here,” she said, indicating a bag tied behind the saddle. “Mind you wrap the remains well after eating, for it must carry you two days.”
“Yes, Mother.”
“Your roll has two blankets? Nights can still be cool.”
“I know, Mother, but surely I can make Caldridge by tomorrow eve.”
“And risk founder or worse? Drive your horse too hard and you’ll be walking, and us out a good gelding—do you hear?”
“Yes,” said I, a bit sullen-like.
She gave me a sharp look. “Ride and walk, ride and walk. And be sure you bait the animal well.”
“I know, Mother.” And shall you never let me go?
* * *Ah yes, that old wanderer…
Close, but no
I wanted to like this well enough to turn the page because of the good writing and voice, but the tension level just didn’t tick high enough. I think the narrative takes just a little too much time with the caregiving of the mother here. That, plus the asterisk break that cost the writer a valuable line on the first page that could have contributed more.
The asterisk break led to a flashback. While also nicely written, and having conflict and tension, and being short, for me it wasn’t a good place for a flashback. Get on with the story.
Later in the sample was a line that, had it been added to the
opening narrative, would have been enough to get me to turn the page.
It was this:
“Give your uncle my note, and tell him what you can, making sure that he sends some hardy armed men as quickly as he may.”
That signaled jeopardy to come to me. The story turns out to be
science fiction, and the narrative goes into the narrator introducing
himself, along with some more backstory and that kind of traditional
thing. For me, I’d rather have the story. Some notes:
For two days rough strangers had been lurking near our homestead, spying on us from brush and behind trees—shifty-looking men with weapons at hand. It was all to do, my mother felt, with the old wanderer we had taken in—him and his map. (I liked this opening paragraph a lot. There’s tension, and story questions, and the promise of trouble.)
“Food and drink are here,” she said, indicating a bag tied behind the saddle. “Mind you wrap the remains well after eating, for it must carry you two days.”
“Yes, Mother.”
“Your roll has two blankets? Nights can still be cool.”
“I know, Mother, but surely I can make Caldridge by tomorrow eve.”
“And risk founder or worse? Drive your horse too hard and you’ll be walking, and us out a good gelding—do you hear?”
“Yes,” said I, a bit sullen-like.
She gave me a sharp look. “Ride and walk, ride and walk. And be sure you bait the animal well.”
“I know, Mother.” And shall you never let me go?* * *
Ah yes, that old wanderer…(I realize it seems harsh to cut all that, but for me it failed to advance the story. It let us know a little about the relationship between mother and child, but the story isn’t about that. Imagine if, instead, the piece I picked up from later had been the fourth paragraph. It doesn’t really matter to the story that the child has two blankets or that nights can be cool. And how important is it for us to listen in on instructions on how to ride and feed the horse? For me, not so much. This is the time to hook me.)
Were I Dai, I’d place most of this opening chapter to the side for a while—you can always resurrect it if you feel you must—and dive into the story of what happens next. I don’t even think you need all the backstory about the old man or the man pursuing him, unless it comes in real time, not a flashback.
The voice of this narrative, including a unique spin on the dialogue later, shows great promise. But I think there’s brush to be cleared with a delete key before we’ll be sufficiently engaged to read on.
Comments, anyone?
For what it's worth,
Ray
Donations go to the cost of hosting FtQ.
Public floggings available. If I can post it here,
- send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2008 Ray Rhamey
I agree with Kim & Kami's comments. The stranger brings armed, lurking danger...but immediately we cut to a "be sure to zip up your coat" dialogue. Mom is sending her child off into the teeth of danger to summon help; while the evening chill may warrant two bedrolls, I'm more concerned about the bullets (or phaser rays or whatever). For me, it cut the strings on the tension a bit. And then to hop from that to the "Ah yes, the stranger" ended the scene right when it could have gotten interesting -- with the MC riding through the blockade or racing for help. Why not go with that? Upon arrival at the Uncle's place, the story of the mysterious stranger can be told naturally, without flashback, in the context of a plea for help.
Posted by: Eric | October 30, 2008 at 07:51 AM
For what it's worth, this opening reminded me somewhat of Dasheill Hammett's short story "The Man Who Killed Dan Odams."
Posted by: Eric | October 30, 2008 at 07:53 AM