Flogging the Quill

Flogometer for Heather: would you keep reading?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Heather has done a rewrite and come back for a second flogging. Her first 16 lines:

Thea Greyson pulled the afghan she'd knitted him close and pretended she could smell his pipe tobacco. A fluttery tapping sounded between the thunderclaps. "Now who could be calling at this hour?" she asked David's picture as she rose from the armchair.

She peeked outside and then threw the door wide. "Good Heavens, child! You're soaked to the bone." Thea shuttled the girl indoors. "What's a little girl like you doing out in this storm?"

The girl shivered, slopping rainwater across the floor. "Mama said… but I felt so…" Her hands balled into fists and she clamped her lips together.

Thea brushed ropes of soggy hair aside as she looked the child over. Don't see anything broke or bleeding. "You're not from this town or I'd know your sweet face. You lost, honey?"

Hazel eyes searched Thea's for a moment before a single nod.

Thea smiled. "Don't you worry. I'll help you find your mama."

The child sighed as the afghan slipped around her shoulders. "Thanks, Missus."

"What's your name, sweets?"

The girl's blue lips twitched and her chest quivered in quick shallow breaths. With a violent shake of her head, she backed away unsteadily. Glaze swept over her eyes. Before Thea could ask what was wrong, the girl's head bowed forward and she slumped to the floor.

Works for me
While I have some nits (as usual), I liked this opening. It raised plenty of good story questions, introduced a sympathetic character and a mysterious child. The writing is good and, while there's no conflict, there's plenty of tension, thus illustrating that one is possible without the other. Notes:

Thea Greyson pulled the afghan she'd knitted David him close and pretended she could smell his pipe tobacco. A fluttery tapping sounded between the thunderclaps. "Now who could be calling at this hour?" she asked his David's picture as she rose from the armchair. (I think a tiny bit more scene setting to establish the storm would help. For example, what if the first sentence began with something such as: As rain stormed outside, With just four words, you get more of the comfort she feels with the afghan, and the thunderclaps fit right in. I moved his name because the undefined pronoun threw a hitch into the narrative that wasn't needed.)

She peeked outside and then threw the door wide. "Good Heavens, child! You're soaked to the bone." Thea shuttled the girl indoors. "What's a little girl like you doing out in this storm?"

The girl shivered, slopping rainwater across the floor. "Mama said… but I felt so…" Her hands She balled her hands into fists and she clamped her lips together.

Thea brushed ropes of soggy hair aside as she looked the child over. Don't see anything broke or bleeding. "You're not from this town or I'd I don't know your sweet face. You lost, honey?" (I suggest using internal monologue instead of the italicized thought, i.e. She didn't see anything broken or bleeding. I didn't feel that the line about not from this town was a natural thing this person might say; it was more like the author giving me information. And I don't think it's all that necessary.)

Hazel eyes searched Thea's for a moment before a single nod. (While I don't want to tinker with voice, I felt the "before a single nod" was less direct and clear. Why not be straightforward with this language? Hazel eyes searched Thea's, and then the girl nodded. You don't really need the "moment" reference done this way.)

Thea smiled. "Don't you worry. I'll help you find your mama."

The child sighed as when Thea slipped the afghan slipped around her shoulders. "Thanks, Missus." (I'd give the action to Thea rather than the afghan. It shows her doing something kind and caring, while giving the act to the clothing doesn't.)

"What's your name, sweets?"

The girl's blue lips twitched and her chest quivered in quick shallow breaths. With a violent shake of her head, she backed away unsteadily. Glaze swept over her eyes. Before Thea could ask what was wrong, the girl's head bowed forward and she slumped to the floor. (I think the blue lips should have been mentioned when Thea looked her over, and the afghan should have gone around her shoulders at that point. I'm against the "with" way of combining action [see my post on don't say it with with]. I felt that the glaze sweeping over her eyes was the author trying a little too hard -- keep simple action simple, i.e. Her eyes glazed. For me, this language called attention to itself and took me a little out of the story. But falling to the floor was a great way to get me to turn the page.

Heather also sent the first chapter and asked which was the stronger opening. Heather, this one has drama, the other didn't. Good work on the rewrite, this is much improved.

Comments, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

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Donations go to the cost of hosting FtQ.

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
3. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
4. If you're in a hurry, I've done "private floggings," $50 for a first chapter.
5. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it's okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2008 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Irena: would you keep reading?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Irena's first 16 lines:

The box on Maggie's back started to hurt her. She tried to ease the pain by putting her hands under the rucksack it was in, but it was still cutting into her shoulders. After a few more steps she had to stop. The forest was bathed in early morning sunlight and the mist was clearing out from the path in front of her. She looked around to orient herself. There was only half an hour climb left till she reaches the spot and then she can finish executing her plan.

"What would people think if they knew I have a dead black cat in here?"

It was the kind of rhetorical question she would sometimes amuse herself with, but today's game didn't bring her any pleasure. On the contrary, it turned her face into a painful grimace as she strained to fight back the tears. She pressed the box tighter as if to hug it and inevitably tears started to pour down, clouding her vision.

"This way I'm never going to finish it in time. Someone will see me and report me to the police." she said wiping the tears in haste, feeling angry for being so emotional.

She pressed on not noticing a figure appearing further down the path. It was coming her way.

"Ok Maggie, snap out of it! You have to do this, you know you do. There's just no other way." her self talk continued. She leaned forward to ease the weight but after a few more steps a deep voice startled he from her thoughts:

Hints of story weren't enough
That, and some craft problems, left this page unturned. The hints

-- dead cat, finish in time, police -- did kindle a little interest, and that was good. But there were writing issues that didn't bode well. Notes: The box on Maggie's back started to hurt her. She tried to ease the pain by putting her hands under the rucksack it was in, but it was still cut cutting into her shoulders. After a few more steps sShe had to stop. The forest was bathed in early morning sunlight and the mist was clearing out from the path in front of her. She looked around to orient herself. There was only half an hour climb left till she reaches reached the spot and then she can could finish executing her plan. (I'm an opponent of "started to" much of the time -- it's generally not needed, and sometimes not accurate. There's some overwriting here, i.e. "it was in." A change of tense from past to present is an error that could stop most agents and editors with this paragraph.) "What would people think if they knew I have a dead black cat in here?" (I'm a proponent of using internal monologue instead of talking to yourself or italics as thoughts. For example, wouldn't this work just as well if it were: What would people think if they knew she had a dead black cat in the box?) It was the kind of rhetorical question she would sometimes amuse herself with, but today's game didn't bring her any pleasure. On the contrary, it turned her face into a painful grimace as sShe strained to fight back the tears. She pressed the box tighter as if to hug it and inevitably tears started to poured down and clouded clouding her vision. (The first sentence doesn't seem like something a person would be thinking on the way to bury a beloved pet [that's what's happening]. The reference to turning her face into a painful grimace is a break in point of view, and I don't see how a grimace could be painful. It could be pained, but not painful. I think the tears are what's important here, so I say get to them. And, as you can see, that part can be crisper.) "This way I'm never going to finish it in time. Someone will see me and report me to the police." she said wiping the tears in haste, feeling angry for being so emotional. (I know that some people to talk to themselves, but it seems out of place to me. This could have been better for pace, i.e. She'd never finish in time. Someone would see her and report her to the police. She wiped her tears, angry for being so emotional.) She pressed on. not noticing a figure appearing further down the path. It was coming her way. (When you're in a close third person point of view, as we are here, it can't include what a character can't see, hear, or know. So if she doesn't notice this figure, it just isn't there until she does.) "Ok Maggie, snap out of it! You have to do this, you know you do. There's just no other way." her self talk continued. She leaned forward to ease the weight but aAfter a few more steps, a deep voice startled her he from her thoughts: (You've already see my view of the "self talk," so I'll leave that to you. Easing the weight wasn't germane to story, so I cut it. And, since we no longer have her not noticing the figure ahead, the reader as well as the character can be startled at the voice.) The chapter went on to have the character bury her cat. It was touching, but hardly riveting. Irene has a story to tell, I think, but didn't sense that this was the best opening incident for it. I hope these notes help, Irene. And thanks for sending your work. Comments, anyone? For what it's worth, Ray Donations go to the cost of hosting FtQ. Public floggings available. If I can post it here, send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay. If you're in a hurry, I've done "private floggings," $50 for a first chapter. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it's okay with me to update the submission. ARCHIVES . © 2008 Ray Rhamey