Flogometer for Scott: would you keep reading?

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Tell me something, please.

What does FtQ do for you (if anything)? How does it help you (if at all)? Please email me with your feedback. And thanks.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Scott is back for a "re-flog." He's sent a new prologue and a revised first chapter. First, the first 16 lines of the prologue:

Eleven year-old Julian Barth whipped his hand behind his back. He raised his voice, but he didn't expect the other residents at Saint Jerome Emiliani Home for Orphaned Boys to come rushing into the lavatory. They would be too afraid of Billy to hear anything.

"I don't know what you're talking about. And don't call me that, or I'll tell Sister Margaret."

Julian was small for his age, and even though he had a wiry strength, Billy dragged him down easily and pinned him. The tiles were damp and smelled like ammonia.

"I said give it to me, Foolian. Now!" Billy demanded.

Billy's knees were crushing his biceps, and Billy's free hands pried back one of his clenched fingers until it hurt too much. The green pellets spilled out.

"What is this, Foolian? Is it -- food?"

"It's mine! Give it back!"

Billy showed a fist. "Remember this?"

"OK, OK! Don't hit me! It's a, a -- snack."

"Where'd you get it?"

"From the kitchen, when Sister Theresa wasn't looking."

And now, the first 16 lines from the chapter opening.

Dr. David Randall loved working at Boston's celebrated Trent University Hospital. Loved it too much, maybe. You couldn't stay at Trent unless you got promoted, and you couldn't get promoted only as a superb clinician, even if you did run the psychiatric inpatient service. You had to conduct research, too.

Randall heard hoarse bellowing on his morning rounds and halted outside a seclusion room. "Jesus was the son of GOD! Jesus was the son of MAN! Don't let them poke out my eyes!" Too bad the patient wasn't competent to give informed consent. He sounded perfect for the refenterine study.

Randall edged into the room. The patient was arching his back and straining against the straps binding him to the bed. The resident psychiatrist, Chris Peck, was wiping spittle off his cheek and trying to look casual about it. Next to Peck was a nurse. Had to be Laura Raino, judging from her height and carriage. She was wearing goggles, gown, and mask.

"Good morning. What's the gentleman's name?" Randall asked.

Peck answered. "Lucifer Gabriel, he told them in the ER. But Laura says he's been here before. His real name's Raymond Johnson."

"What did Mr. Johnson do to get into restraints?"

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Prologue yes, chapter maybe
While both need work, the action in the prologue was enough to take me to the next page (which was all that was left of the prologue

-- the pellets little Julian gave the bully were rat poison). I think the first chapter would have been stronger if the first paragraph were eliminated and it started with the ranting man. The first graph's stuff could have easily been worked in after the first crisis was dealt with. However, this is much better than the version Scott sent a while back, so good work on the rewrite, Scott. How about some notes on the prologue? Eleven year-old Julian Barth whipped his hand behind his back. He raised his voice, but he didn't expect the other residents at Saint Jerome Emiliani Home for Orphaned Boys to come rushing into the lavatory. They would be too afraid of Billy to hear anything. (I don't think the language is appropriate for an 11-year-old, specifically "raised his voice" (how about "shouted"?), "residents" (how about "boys"?), and "lavatory" (how about "bathroom"?) "I don't know what you're talking about. And don't call me that, or I'll tell Sister Margaret." Julian was small for his age eleven, and even though he had a wiry strength, Billy dragged him down easily and pinned him to the floor. The tiles were damp and smelled like ammonia. "I said give it to me, Foolian. Now!" Billy demanded. (Using the "demanded" dialogue tag is explaining the dialogue. ("telling"). The dialogue shows the demanding.) Billy's knees were crushing his crushed Julian's arms biceps, and Billy's free hands pried back one of his clenched fingers until it hurt too much. T the green pellets spilled out. (For me, a little too much detail and overwriting. This is action -- distill it down to the essence.) "What is this, Foolian? Is it -- food?" "It's mine! Give it back!" Billy showed a fist. "Remember this?" "OK, OK! Don't hit me! It's a, a -- snack." "Where'd you get it?" "From the kitchen, when Sister Theresa wasn't looking." (As we learn, this is rat poison, so Julian is a great con artist and a bit on the murderous side. The prologue leaves us there, and we assume Julian will be back in adult form.) The first chapter could be tightened as well. In skimming ahead, there was action that was good, but I didn't see much of a problem that threatened the doctor-protagonist. Keep at it, Scott, definite progress here. Comments, anyone? For what it's worth, Ray Donations go to the cost of hosting FtQ. Public floggings available. If I can post it here, send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay. If you're in a hurry, I've done "private floggings," $50 for a first chapter. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it's okay with me to update the submission. ARCHIVES © 2008 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Amy Nathan]

I see a lot of potential here - but was very distracted by the language and the lack of Show-Don't-Tell.

My personal preference is not to be told everything up front - like the name of the orphanage or even last names of characters. I'd rather just get sucked into the story than meander around details. (also, I'm really not sure what whipping a hand behind a back means, but maybe it's a boy thing - and I'm not one.)

For example:

Julian whipped his hand behind his back. He screamed, but didn't expect the other boys to come rushing into the bathroom.

With regard to the chapter - my favorite line is the last one posted - "What did Mr. Johnson do to get into restrainst?" I think it would be more compelling higher up in the chapter.

Just my .02.

[mai]

Several apparently small things bothered me.

One was Julian whipping his hand behind his back. The image doesn't work for me, because a whip is a very leveraged action, with the power being applied at one end of something, but an arm has an elbow joint which has to bend to get behind the back properly, and that reduces end-point leverage. Whipping the arm behind the back is not something you can actually do unless you're double-jointed. The way you get your hand behind your back is to contract the back and triceps muscles as you rotate the shoulder, elbow and wrist joints.

I'm being picky about this kind of thing, because both prologue and chapter opening have a lot of details and observations, and unless they're accurate and important to the story, they tend to take the reader out of the story very quickly. Even things like the protagonist's age in the first prologue line is one detail too much. It distracts me from the story. I don't need to know age now. I need to know that the kid has an adversary who's bigger and crueler than he is. I need to know if the substance he's trying to hide from his adversary is something special or not. Things like that. The details are like salt used to season a meal, they're not the meal itself.

In the chapter opening, the first lines tell about working in the place and its politics. Then cut to a loud crisis. What? That didn't work for me. Also, there seemed to be an emotional disconnect between the doctor and his reaction to the scene he was witnessing. Before he responds to the crisis, he's already considered the potential aptness of the patient for a research project. His edging into the room sounded a little strange -- was he afraid, or was the room so crowded with equipment and personnel that that was the only way he could get in? These are the things I want to know. If he's considering the patient for a study before responding to the patient's crisis, I'd at least like him to show he's aware of his emotional distance from the patient. I assume the doctor is a main character, and I want to have some sympathy for him, whether he's hero or villain.

I sense there's a good story here. When I read, I want to be pulled into a story. What does that for me are: action, characters, emotions. More of such things, and less salt, would work for me.

[Ray Rhameyr]

Looking at the way the poll is going, it seems that the first chapter, with work, might get there. But it still needs tension and a crisp narrative to do the job.

[benwah023]

Count me as a reader who doesn't like having details like age and the full name of the orphanarium shoved right at me in the beginning. You can set a scene and weave those details in.

I also found Julian's whipping arm difficult to block in my head.

The scene you've set in interesting enough -- two kids grappling on the floor, one bully, one bullied. And Ray tells us the twist, that the pellets are poison, so that's rather neat. But it's cumbersome. I wonder if the bully would say something like "Is it candy?" as opposed to food. Made me think they're starving. Then again, maybe that's your point.

"Too afraid to hear anything." Doesn't make sense to me. Do you mean that the other boys engage in some selective hearing, that they won't get involved? In that case they might hear, but they wouldn't act.

As for the first chapter, the opening paragraph was full of non-sequitors. The doctor loves working at Peter Bent...loves it too much. Fine, explain what you mean by that. Instead you begin talking about how research is a crucial part of promotion. Again, maybe you'd be better off weaving that in. The frothing patient is interesting, and the dialogue around that scene is good. So perhaps you have your doctor seeing this patient and identifying him as a research subject...which would satisfy his academic demands, so he can stay on at the hospital. I think that's what you're trying to say, but the order in which you've presented it is not necessarily clear and doesn't read smoothly.

[Kathy]

What stopped me was the disconnect between all the characters. What I mean is: in the prologue, we have Julian and Billy. In chapter one, it's Dr. Randall and Raymond.

What's the connection among them? I couldn't figure out how the prologue related to the chapter and subsequent story.

But that's just me.

[Kami]

I was too far outside the pov character's heads for my taste. That may have been necessary with the kid, so that we don't know if he set Billy up (premeditated) or withheld information (crime of passion without really thinking through the full consequences of his actions.) Although I was more firmly in the doctor's head, his thoughts seemed, as one other reviewer put it, distanced. He wasn't really engaged in anything except the idea of a study, and he seemed reluctant to do that. He didn't seem to care about anything except advancement, which made me wonder if he was a villain. If he's a villain, and Julian is a murderer, who is the reader supposed to be rooting for here? The guy who's tied up?

[Deana]

I remember when I used to think that I had, simply had! to give as much information upfront as possible. I guess I was afraid the reader wouldn't "get it."

But the truth is, readers don't need to be lead by the nose into your scene. They would far rather step into your character's head and take it from there.

Don't worry about the details. They have a way of working themselves in naturally if you let them, and your readers won't be any the worse for waiting!

[kathy]

"You couldn't stay at Trent unless you got promoted, and you couldn't get promoted only as a superb clinician,

For whatever reason this line stopped me. "Couldn't get promoted" Is that correct? I would appriciate any advice.

I would have turned the page on the prologue, I assumed that the whipping of the arm was the bully twisting it behind him.
Keep at it!

[Sheila]

I've been thinking about this, because I like it, but there's something not working for me. There are lots of good comments here, but I think what didn't work for me was the flow of the writing.

In the prologue, I found the dialog set too far apart from the description. For me, and this is subjective of course, it would work better like this:

Julian Barth whipped his hand behind his back as Billy stepped toward him.

"I don't know what you're talking about, Billy!" Julian hoped someone would hear him, though he knew all the other boys at the orphanage were as scared of Billy as he was. They weren't going to to come rushing into the lavatory to help him.

I had the same problem with the third paragraph of the opening, though for a different reason. Instead of flowing, it reads like a police report. Someone was (verb)ing over here and someone was (verb)ing over there. And another person was (verb)ing next to him. I think you need to mix up the language a bit. To show you what I mean -

The resident psychiatrist, Chris Peck, was wiping spittle off his cheek and trying to look casual about it. Next to Peck stood a nurse, sensibly wearing goggles, gown, and mask. That had to be Laura Raino, judging from her height and carriage.

Just my $.02. I wish you luck!

[Scott]

Thank you all. Great comments.