Flogometer for Patty: would you keep reading?

Tell me something, please.

What does FtQ do for you (if anything)? How does it help you (if at all)? Please email me with your feedback. And thanks.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Patty's first 16 lines:

The wooden door on the first floor gallery bore no sign.

Members of the diplomatic corps often joked that the lack of signage intended to confuse terrorists as to which was the President's office. To me, an infrequent visitor, security at the Nations of Earth complex was no joking matter.

Six servicemen followed me up the stairs, and as I stepped onto the gallery, four more snapped into military salutes.

'Mr Wilson, Sir. The President is expecting you,' a man said. A corporal, I thought.
I slowed and my escort bunched around me, a gaggle of dress uniforms, white gloves, glittering buttons and guns.

The corporal's gaze slid from me to Nicha, who had stopped, shadow-like, a step behind me as if to draw attention away from the fact that he was the only gamra person in the hall. The corporal glared at the multitude of antennas and other gadgetry protruding from the pockets of Nicha's jacket.

He turned to me. 'I'm afraid communication equipment is not allowed in the President's office. You'll have to ask your companion to remove it.'

'No need. He will wait in the foyer.' What was wrong with talking to Nicha? He was (snip)

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Where's the beef?
While the writing is nicely clean and clear, it didn't get around to the part needed to force me to turn the page

-- a strong story question. Here, the only question is what the meeting with the president is about, but there's no hint that it's about anything more compelling than, let's say, what to serve at dinner that night. As it turns out in the pages that follow, there seems to be a mystery about the death of someone important on another world, and the protagonist is going there. . .but not to solve the mystery. In science fiction, there's a certain amount of world-building that is acceptable and necessary -- but it has to be the understructure of a story packed with tension. There needs to be jeopardy, or conflict, or mystery on top. This chapter is just about all "world-setting." Or, as it's sometimes called, "throat-clearing." Patty's writing throughout the chapter is clean and crisp, but it deals primarily with letting us in on the little things that make this a future world -- devices, customs, etc. As for what happens, up until the very end of the chapter, it's a conversation. Pleasant enough, but mostly focused on filling in backstory and exposition. Then, at the very end of the chapter, comes this: As if stung, President Sirkonen turned to the window; for a split second, his eyes widened. The window exploded. And the desk, and one side of the bookshelf splintered, sending an avalanche of books onto the floor. I dived off the chair, landing just a fraction of a second after the broken glass did. I cursed and tried to scramble up, but hit my head on something that had fallen over the top of me. Hard. The world went black. This, the hook at the end of the chapter, would (for me) make a much better opening to the first chapter. All the rest that the chapter contained can be woven in as the character wakes and discovers what happened and a threat to his life is learned, or whatever desire is created in him. Comments, anyone? For what it's worth, Ray Donations go to the cost of hosting FtQ. Public floggings available. If I can post it here, send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay. If you're in a hurry, I've done "private floggings," $50 for a first chapter. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it's okay with me to update the submission. ARCHIVES © 2008 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Kim]

"Members of the diplomatic corps often joked that the lack of signage intended to confuse terrorists as to which was the President's office. To me, an infrequent visitor, security at the Nations of Earth complex was no joking matter."

This was the bit that turned me off. It read so awkwardly to me that I wouldn't have kept going from here.

Why 'signage'? Why not just 'sign'? Shouldn't there at least be a 'was' after signage? I also don't like the 'as to which'. Also, why is this guy, 'an infrequent visitor here', more concerned about security than the guards are? The two concepts didn't go together for me.

I'm sorry--I know that sounds crazy particular, but it really is why I would have put it down in the bookstore. I liked the description of the escort, and the 'gamra' reference intrigued me, but it wouldn't have been enough to pull me on.

KZ

[benwah023]

Knowing that this is spec fic or sci fi, I usually enjoy a bit of world-building at the start (provided it's not shoved down my throat with some recitation of history). So I would allow for a slower buildup. However, the writing had better be good in that case, and here I found things a bit cumbersome. I agree with the above commentor: The second sentence was clear but clunky. And the way the guards "bunched" in a "gaggle" lent a bit of a keystone cops air; not the high security I would expect from your lead.

If your gamra is walking behind the MC, that means he's separated himself from the MC...and thereby highlights the fact that he's different. That doesn't seem to draw attention _away from_ but rather _toward_ the fact that he's different. At least in my reading.

A minor nit, but you've said what the diplomatic corps jokes about the blank door, but what is the real reason for no sign? I was rather expecting one.

Some of the other writing is crisp: I rather liked "snapped to salutes."

[Kami]

I would have read on but the attention to lack of signs--and using that as an opening sentence!--seemed like an inappropriate focus for the opening. The pov character was going through the motions. I think it's also iffy to go on about the security and then have it fail by the end of the chapter unless that security seems excessive or very strident. Then it becomes a fun question of its own--how the heck did the bomb get in there in the first place?

Examples of strident security are detectors to prevent squishy bots (robots that don't have metal components) from getting past security, multiple ID checks with safety questions, scanners, stripping down to practically naked and submitting to a search before seeing certain important persons (like the President) unless you have standing clearance to do so, etc. The way the character handles the security, how the character feels about the President, and thinks about danger and politics in this universe would keep my interest. But it has to feel like a more serious situation in the beginning.

[mai]

There seems to be a good story waiting just off-stage here. The only problem I had was there was too much descriptive stuff getting in the way of action and mood. Not much too much, but enough.

Gotta leave some space in the story for the reader to engage, to fill in the blanks. That's partly how you hook your audience.

Also, how you broke the paragraphs here is too smooth -- you do too much eliding from one section of prose to the next. There's a good rhythm to the action here, and your paragraph breaks should support or reinforce it, not soften or hide it.

If the opening had read more or less as follows, I'd have turned the page:

- - -

The wooden door on the first floor gallery bore no sign. Security at the Nations of Earth complex was no joking matter.

Six servicemen followed me up the stairs, and as I stepped onto the gallery, four more snapped into military salutes.

'Mr Wilson, Sir. The President is expecting you,' a man said.

A corporal. His gaze slid from me to Nicha, who had stopped, shadow-like, a step behind me as if to draw attention away from the fact that he was the only gamra person in the hall.

The corporal glared at the antennae and other gadgetry protruding from the pockets of Nicha's jacket. He turned to me. 'I'm afraid communication equipment is not allowed in the President's office. You'll have to ask your companion to remove it.'

[Deana]

I could have handled the opening sentence all right, if it wasn't immediately followed with:

"Members of the diplomatic corps often joked that the lack of signage intended to confuse terrorists as to which was the President's office"

For me it was like, say what? Beside the point that this is an extremely awkward and wordy sentence, I was expecting action, something exciting, something that actually got into the story of the blank door, which could have been intriguing.

And then we go into even more off-hand stuff, so no, I wouldn't have turned the page.

[Deana]

Ray, to answer your question about what FtQ does for me, it's one of the most informative and entertaining sites I have found! I may not always agree with you, but I always look forward to the next flog. And they are regular, which is nice. A lot of other sites seem to give visitors the impression that they don't matter all that much to the site's owner. If they feel like posting, they will deign to scatter a few crumbs, but mostly not. You don't give us that impression, and I'd like to thank you for that!

[Ashley]

If I had picked up this book already knowing the premise, this opening would not have stopped me. I agree about the clunky opening sentence, but otherwise I enjoyed the writing and was curious as to who the main character was.