Flogometer for Linda: would you keep reading

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Linda's first 16 lines:

The smell hit me like a drug when we walked into the room. It was heady and intoxicating, but I wouldn't drink from them. Strong emotions are easier to feed on, and I felt my nostrils flare and my teeth started to itch.

"Will you be okay?" Carla asked.

"Yeah, I'll be fine. I won't bite anyone," I reassured her, and she smiled, "but do I really have to take a lesson? I'd rather sit and watch for a while."

"Yes," she insisted, leading me to a small table in the corner while we waited for the class to start. Carla knew me well enough to let me sit with my back against the wall. Idly, I watched the room. People stood in nervous groups, fidgeting while they waited for the class to start. Dark tapestries lined the walls and the lighting was dim, almost to the point of darkness. I felt a shot of adrenaline when Thia walked into the room, Drew close on her heels, like a submissive puppy. I shrank a bit into the shadows, glad for the darkness. Carla glanced at me in question and I motioned towards the two of them.

"Are you sure about this?" I knew she would leave if I asked, even though her look said she didn't want to.

"Let's see what they do," I said. I wanted to bite Thia, and my teeth itched in anticipation. It (snip)

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Close, but I didn't bite
There's good writing (and some with shortcomings), but not enough tension to move me on. I deduced that the protagonist was a vampire, and I liked the way she seemed quite human as well. The paragraph almost did the trick with a story question

-- why did she want to bite Thia? -- but today I balked. Part of the problem lay in the first paragraph, and hints that there was a dialogue tag issue coming. Notes: The smell hit me like a drug when we walked into the room. It was heady and intoxicating, but I wouldn't drink from them. Strong emotions are easier to feed on, and I felt my nostrils flare and my teeth started to itch. (Lots of issues here. What smell? And the second sentence is totally confusing, having the protagonist not wanting to drink from "them," which is a plural pronoun referring to "it," which refers to the smell, a singular thing. I'm sure Linda means the people in the room when the narrative says "them," but it hasn't shown us any people. Just a smell. And what are strong emotions easier to feed on than? Also, if this is a vampire, does that mean that strong emotions provide sustenance just as blood does? The lack of clarity in this opening paragraph, the one that has to be crystal clear and hook me, nearly stopped me right there.) "Will you be okay?" Carla said asked. (This was the first hint that dialogue tags that explained dialogue were in my reading future. When a sentence ends in a question mark, there's no need to use "asked." It's redundant; we know a question has been asked. I use said whenever possible, and let the narrative show the reader how the dialogue is said.) "Yeah, I'll be fine. I won't bite anyone," I reassured her, and she smiled, "but do I really have to take a lesson? I'd rather sit and watch for a while." (Here we're using "reassured" as a sort of dialogue tag to explain its delivery. Not needed. The dialogue is clearly intended to reassure -- it has shown what the dialogue tag then tells us. You could do this with a period at the end of the first sentence, then a brief "She smiled." And then make the second clause a sentence.) "Yes," she insisted, leading me to a small table in the corner while we waited for the class to start. Carla knew me well enough to let me sit with my back against the wall. Idly, I watched the room. People stood in nervous groups, fidgeting while they waited for the class to start. Dark tapestries lined the walls and the lighting was dim, almost to the point of darkness. I felt a shot of adrenaline when Thia walked into the room, Drew close on her heels, like a submissive puppy. I shrank a bit into the shadows, glad for the darkness. Carla glanced at me in question and I motioned towards the two of them. "Are you sure about this?" I knew she would leave if I asked, even though her look said she didn't want to. "Let's see what they do," I said. I wanted to bite Thia, and my teeth itched in anticipation. It (snip) (I cut unnecessary narrative in the big paragraph above, and then cut the rest because I felt it didn't really contribute to story movement or characterization. Besides, the sooner you get to the line about biting Thia and having a little room left on the page to add to the tension, the better.) On dialogue tags: in the coming pages, characters variously hissed, chirped, reassured again, trilled, and barked. See my post on dialogue tags. I suggest going through and substituting "said." If the delivery of the line isn't then clear enough, add description to show it. The chapter turns out to be a dance class (a funny thought for a vampire story, but not compelling in itself) and a spat between the protagonist and Drew because of his messing around with Thia. Some trolls and a master come in at the end, but there's no real sense of jeopardy for the protagonist, to my way of seeing it, and so not enough tension. Still, there's a lot to like -- voice, the world, and a romance plot. Comments, anyone? For what it's worth, Ray Thank you, Ann, for your generous contribution. Donations go to the cost of hosting FtQ. Public floggings available. If I can post it here, email1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay. If you're in a hurry, I've done "private floggings," $50 for a first chapter. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it's okay with me to update the submission. ARCHIVES © 2008 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Linda]

I'm with Patty. As I started the task of removing the hissing etc., some areas wouldn't work for either said or asked. In those instances, working in more of the emotion/action of the character was necessary.