The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly
formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point
type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first
pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).
Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.
Linda's first 16 lines:
The smell hit me like a drug when we walked into the room. It was
heady and intoxicating, but I wouldn't drink from them. Strong emotions
are easier to feed on, and I felt my nostrils flare and my teeth
started to itch.
"Will you be okay?" Carla asked.
"Yeah, I'll be fine. I won't bite anyone," I reassured her, and she
smiled, "but do I really have to take a lesson? I'd rather sit and
watch for a while."
"Yes," she insisted, leading me to a small table in the corner while
we waited for the class to start. Carla knew me well enough to let me
sit with my back against the wall. Idly, I watched the room. People
stood in nervous groups, fidgeting while they waited for the class to
start. Dark tapestries lined the walls and the lighting was dim, almost
to the point of darkness. I felt a shot of adrenaline when Thia walked
into the room, Drew close on her heels, like a submissive puppy. I
shrank a bit into the shadows, glad for the darkness. Carla glanced at
me in question and I motioned towards the two of them.
"Are you sure about this?" I knew she would leave if I asked, even though her look said she didn't want to.
"Let's see what they do," I said. I wanted to bite Thia, and my teeth itched in anticipation. It (snip)
Close, but I didn't bite
There's good writing (and some with shortcomings), but not enough
tension to move me on. I deduced that the protagonist was a vampire,
and I liked the way she seemed quite human as well. The paragraph
almost did the trick with a story question
-- why did she want to bite Thia? --
but today I balked. Part of the problem lay in the first paragraph, and
hints that there was a dialogue tag issue coming. Notes:
The smell hit me like a drug when we walked into the room. It was
heady and intoxicating, but I wouldn't drink from them. Strong emotions
are easier to feed on, and I felt my nostrils flare and my teeth
started to itch. (Lots of issues here. What
smell? And the second sentence is totally confusing, having the
protagonist not wanting to drink from "them," which is a plural pronoun
referring to "it," which refers to the smell, a singular thing. I'm
sure Linda means the people in the room when the narrative says "them,"
but it hasn't shown us any people. Just a smell. And what are strong
emotions easier to feed on than? Also, if this is a vampire, does that
mean that strong emotions provide sustenance just as blood does? The
lack of clarity in this opening paragraph, the one that has to be
crystal clear and hook me, nearly stopped me right there.)
"Will you be okay?" Carla said asked. (This
was the first hint that dialogue tags that explained dialogue were in
my reading future. When a sentence ends in a question mark, there's no
need to use "asked." It's redundant; we know a question has been asked.
I use said whenever possible, and let the narrative show the reader how
the dialogue is said.)
"Yeah, I'll be fine. I won't bite anyone," I reassured her, and she
smiled, "but do I really have to take a lesson? I'd rather sit and
watch for a while." (Here we're using
"reassured" as a sort of dialogue tag to explain its delivery. Not
needed. The dialogue is clearly intended to reassure --
it has shown what the dialogue tag then tells us. You could do this
with a period at the end of the first sentence, then a brief "She
smiled." And then make the second clause a sentence.)
"Yes," she insisted, leading me to a small table in the corner while we waited for the class to start. Carla knew me well enough to let me sit with my back against the wall. Idly, I watched the room.
People stood in nervous groups, fidgeting while they waited for the
class to start. Dark tapestries lined the walls and the lighting was
dim, almost to the point of darkness. I felt a shot of adrenaline when
Thia walked into the room, Drew close on her heels, like a submissive
puppy. I shrank a bit into the shadows, glad for the darkness. Carla glanced at me in question and I motioned towards the two of them.
"Are you sure about this?" I knew she would leave if I asked, even though her look said she didn't want to.
"Let's see what they do," I said. I wanted to bite Thia, and my teeth itched in anticipation. It (snip) (I
cut unnecessary narrative in the big paragraph above, and then cut the
rest because I felt it didn't really contribute to story movement or
characterization. Besides, the sooner you get to the line about biting
Thia and having a little room left on the page to add to the tension,
the better.)
On dialogue tags: in the coming pages, characters variously hissed,
chirped, reassured again, trilled, and barked. See my post on dialogue tags.
I suggest going through and substituting "said." If the delivery of the
line isn't then clear enough, add description to show it.
The chapter turns out to be a dance class (a funny thought for a
vampire story, but not compelling in itself) and a spat between the
protagonist and Drew because of his messing around with Thia. Some
trolls and a master come in at the end, but there's no real sense of
jeopardy for the protagonist, to my way of seeing it, and so not enough
tension.
Still, there's a lot to like -- voice, the world, and a romance plot.
Comments, anyone?
For what it's worth,
Ray
Thank you, Ann, for your generous contribution. Donations go to the cost of hosting FtQ.
Public floggings available. If I can post it here,
email1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
If you're in a hurry, I've done "private floggings," $50 for a first chapter.
If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it's okay with me to update the submission.
The second sentence it/them confusion was jarring. When I realized "them" referred to people, I zipped back to read the sentence again and this time it made sense. But that was enough to take me out of the story. (Potentially fixed by "their smell.")
You used itching teeth twice in this segment. It's a euphemism, I know (like "my hair hurts"), but twice made me wish you'd used a stronger a/o different turn of phrase to describe your MC's anxious hunger.
"Are you sure about this?" I knew she would leave if I asked, even though her look said she didn't want to. The context suggests that Carla says this, but placing "I knew..." after the dialogue seems to attribute it to the MC. Again, confusion. (Potentially solvable by a simple carriage return after the dialogue.)
Does your MC bite people in class often? That seems to be a rather, uh, antisocial trait. Fine if she's slurping from strangers' carotids, but if she's routinely nibbling on dance partners, that would mean friends and classmates would likely give her a wide berth. ("There's the goth chick who can't keep her fangs to herself. I'm definitely NOT inviting her to homecoming.") The tension I've read here comes from the MC's desire to bite and holding herself back...but if it's a dance class and this is a junior high romance spat, the biting seems much less real and less of a threat. And therefore the tension created is a bit of a bait and switch.
Too many commas, some awkward phrasing and incorrect grammar pushed me away from the opening. Despite that, the scene-setting in the fourth paragraph was strong, showing the possibility for very good writing to come from this author in the future. I wouldn't have turned the page, mostly because itchy teeth. The concept is a horrible thing to read about (for me), especially twice on one page.
Regarding voice for this genre: vampire stories, and/or vampire romance, are in the realm of urban fantasy. They are most frequently written in first person, and can be very contemporary, casual, and personal. This voice, as I see it, works for this story.
In contrast, the "high fantasy" of a previous submission would not have these characteristics.
I'm with Ray, except I definitely would have stopped at the first paragraph. Too many writing issues.
I do have a quibble with Ray's comments, though - 'asked' after a question mark is mandatory, in my view. If there is a question, the speaker 'asked' it, not 'said' it.
Re: "asked." As I frequently say, there are no rules. But using even a simple "asked," while not really objectionable, is still "telling" in that it describes the dialogue. With "said," because of the question mark, the reader instantly understands that the character said a question, which also means that a question has been asked. There's no lack of clarity with "said."
I realize that this is super-picky. But "said" tends to be invisible, and that's to the good because it lets the dialogue flow virtually uncluttered. All other explanations of delivery--and that includes the ubiquitous "replied"--are steps onto the slippery slope of explanations of dialogue.
In my view, that is.
On the other hand, I can't see an agent or an editor rejecting a manuscript because "asked" was used instead of "said."
I thought the prose was okay, but it didn't sparkle. To catch an agent's attention the prose is going to need to not only be edited but brought up a level. Ray's suggestions were great except I consider asked as invisible as said--as is told, muttered, mumbled and whispered--these things imply tonal quality without leaping off the page and grabbing me by the throat. Hissed, barked, etc. I think is going too far. But everyone's line will be in a different place.
Anyway, onto the language. Itching teeth is metaphorical rather than literal, and literal usually works better. Hunger in many ways is just as emotional as it's physical and I'm not getting any real physical or emotional sense here. Also, the smell isn't described. It's 'intoxicating' is the shallow approach. These sorts of things hint that there's a little laziness in the writing. The environment and emotional states will be described, but in a way that isn't thought through or considered deeply. There aren't perfect, evocative words here. The language is general, almost generic. And that's what's really hurting this opening. If the writer describes the hunger--exactly how it feels both emotionally and physically, it'll draw the reader in.
As for the plot, that's going to have to be dealt with on another level. There can be high stakes in romance, but that character has to really, really care and be hurt by this unexpected encounter. Otherwise, it's going to come off as shallow and the dance class will just be another day in the life instead of a momentous occurrence. Good luck!
Re. 'said' being invisible... I once read a book aloud to my kids that had a group of five protagonists travelling across some fantasy landscape together. There was a fair bit of self-discovery-type dialogue, which used the 'said' tag literally with every piece of dialogue. After only two pages, it drove me totally NUTS!
I think 'said' is just as visible as 'was' - which is not as visible as those horrid said-bookisms (I've once seen 'ejaculated' LOL!), but quite visible and annoying when overused.
I advocate using more action tags. When dialogue is between two people, often you won't need a tag at all, or at least not with every line.
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The second sentence it/them confusion was jarring. When I realized "them" referred to people, I zipped back to read the sentence again and this time it made sense. But that was enough to take me out of the story. (Potentially fixed by "their smell.")
You used itching teeth twice in this segment. It's a euphemism, I know (like "my hair hurts"), but twice made me wish you'd used a stronger a/o different turn of phrase to describe your MC's anxious hunger.
"Are you sure about this?" I knew she would leave if I asked, even though her look said she didn't want to. The context suggests that Carla says this, but placing "I knew..." after the dialogue seems to attribute it to the MC. Again, confusion. (Potentially solvable by a simple carriage return after the dialogue.)
Does your MC bite people in class often? That seems to be a rather, uh, antisocial trait. Fine if she's slurping from strangers' carotids, but if she's routinely nibbling on dance partners, that would mean friends and classmates would likely give her a wide berth. ("There's the goth chick who can't keep her fangs to herself. I'm definitely NOT inviting her to homecoming.") The tension I've read here comes from the MC's desire to bite and holding herself back...but if it's a dance class and this is a junior high romance spat, the biting seems much less real and less of a threat. And therefore the tension created is a bit of a bait and switch.
Posted by: benwah023 | September 24, 2008 at 08:20 AM
Too many commas, some awkward phrasing and incorrect grammar pushed me away from the opening. Despite that, the scene-setting in the fourth paragraph was strong, showing the possibility for very good writing to come from this author in the future. I wouldn't have turned the page, mostly because itchy teeth. The concept is a horrible thing to read about (for me), especially twice on one page.
Posted by: mai | September 24, 2008 at 12:53 PM
Regarding "voice," I learned here yesterday that fantasy gets a pass on following many rules because, apparently, fantasy readers expect it.
So, I'm wondering, is Linda's the correct "voice" for vampire? Because to me, it felt too loose, or maybe too casual.
I felt the looseness of the voice got in the way of drawing me into the story, but maybe that's accepted for this kind of story?
Posted by: Deana | September 24, 2008 at 01:46 PM
Regarding voice for this genre: vampire stories, and/or vampire romance, are in the realm of urban fantasy. They are most frequently written in first person, and can be very contemporary, casual, and personal. This voice, as I see it, works for this story.
In contrast, the "high fantasy" of a previous submission would not have these characteristics.
For what it's worth.
Posted by: Ray Rhamey | September 24, 2008 at 02:00 PM
I'm with Ray, except I definitely would have stopped at the first paragraph. Too many writing issues.
I do have a quibble with Ray's comments, though - 'asked' after a question mark is mandatory, in my view. If there is a question, the speaker 'asked' it, not 'said' it.
Posted by: Patty | September 24, 2008 at 04:00 PM
Re: "asked." As I frequently say, there are no rules. But using even a simple "asked," while not really objectionable, is still "telling" in that it describes the dialogue. With "said," because of the question mark, the reader instantly understands that the character said a question, which also means that a question has been asked. There's no lack of clarity with "said."
I realize that this is super-picky. But "said" tends to be invisible, and that's to the good because it lets the dialogue flow virtually uncluttered. All other explanations of delivery--and that includes the ubiquitous "replied"--are steps onto the slippery slope of explanations of dialogue.
In my view, that is.
On the other hand, I can't see an agent or an editor rejecting a manuscript because "asked" was used instead of "said."
Do as you wish.
Posted by: Ray Rhamey | September 24, 2008 at 04:32 PM
Thanks for all the feedback. This answers a niggling doubt I had about the beginning (among other issues).
Posted by: Linda | September 24, 2008 at 06:54 PM
I thought the prose was okay, but it didn't sparkle. To catch an agent's attention the prose is going to need to not only be edited but brought up a level. Ray's suggestions were great except I consider asked as invisible as said--as is told, muttered, mumbled and whispered--these things imply tonal quality without leaping off the page and grabbing me by the throat. Hissed, barked, etc. I think is going too far. But everyone's line will be in a different place.
Anyway, onto the language. Itching teeth is metaphorical rather than literal, and literal usually works better. Hunger in many ways is just as emotional as it's physical and I'm not getting any real physical or emotional sense here. Also, the smell isn't described. It's 'intoxicating' is the shallow approach. These sorts of things hint that there's a little laziness in the writing. The environment and emotional states will be described, but in a way that isn't thought through or considered deeply. There aren't perfect, evocative words here. The language is general, almost generic. And that's what's really hurting this opening. If the writer describes the hunger--exactly how it feels both emotionally and physically, it'll draw the reader in.
As for the plot, that's going to have to be dealt with on another level. There can be high stakes in romance, but that character has to really, really care and be hurt by this unexpected encounter. Otherwise, it's going to come off as shallow and the dance class will just be another day in the life instead of a momentous occurrence. Good luck!
Posted by: Kami | September 24, 2008 at 07:05 PM
Re. 'said' being invisible... I once read a book aloud to my kids that had a group of five protagonists travelling across some fantasy landscape together. There was a fair bit of self-discovery-type dialogue, which used the 'said' tag literally with every piece of dialogue. After only two pages, it drove me totally NUTS!
I think 'said' is just as visible as 'was' - which is not as visible as those horrid said-bookisms (I've once seen 'ejaculated' LOL!), but quite visible and annoying when overused.
I advocate using more action tags. When dialogue is between two people, often you won't need a tag at all, or at least not with every line.
Posted by: Patty | September 24, 2008 at 09:35 PM
Ooo, Patty made a great point that I thought of but then forgot to write about. Yes to action tags! Ditto ditto ditto.
Posted by: Kami | September 26, 2008 at 12:09 PM