Flogometer for Dan: would you keep reading?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Dan's first 16 lines:

Lincoln Jefferson-Davis got down on his hands and knees and checked for poison ivy before spreading the foliage apart. The green leaves of Toxicodendrum radicans were ubiquitous in this part of Minnesota and he had been careless before, and paid for it. Satisfied that there was no harm in his way he lifted low lying ground cover and smiled. He had anticipated this moment, and now that it had arrived, he gave a loud whoop. He slipped off his backpack and removed two items: a small GPS device and a digital camera. He marked his precise location with the first and with the second took several photographs. The specimen of Cypripedium regina -- the lady slipper -- had bloomed two months ago and he would need to compare the photographs with his references to be sure.

He heard a noise behind him. The woods were full of squirrels burying nuts at this time of year and it wasn't unusual to spot one or two white tailed deer walking down to the river's edge. Plants were what pushed his buttons, not animals. He got to his feet and began walking toward the light coming from the break in the forest caused by the power line. He could hear it buzzing and cracking high above as he approached. The pictures of a protected plant in the power company right of way might help the cause if they were seen by the right people. As he stepped out into the light onto a gravel path he was startled by the figure standing in his (snip)

Didn't get me.
For me, this opening was simply too leisurely. There are signs of overwriting, too. But the primary problems were level of tension and story questions. The very last sentence begins to raise a question, but none of a compelling nature had come before. Notes:

Lincoln Jefferson-Davis got down on his hands and knees and checked for poison ivy before spreading the foliage apart. The green leaves of Toxicodendrum radicans were ubiquitous in this part of Minnesota and he had been careless before, and paid for it. Satisfied that there was no harm in his way,he lifted low- lying ground cover and smiled. He had anticipated this moment, and now that it had arrived, he gave a loud whoop. He slipped off his backpack and removed two items: a small GPS device and a digital camera. He marked his precise location with the first and with the second took several photographs. The specimen of Cypripedium regina -- the lady slipper -- had bloomed two months ago and he would need to compare the photographs with his references to be sure. (I believe the Latin should be in italics, the general rule for foreign languages. I cut all the poison ivy stuff because it didn't really seem to contribute to story. I cut the anticipation part for similar reasons -- the important part is that he whooped at the sight of the plant, it seems to me. As you see, I think this opening paragraph could be much crisper. As an opening paragraph, it hasn't done anything to add much in the way of tension.)

He heard a noise behind him. The woods were full of squirrels burying nuts at this time of year and it wasn't unusual to spot one or two white tailed deer walking down to the river's edge. Plants were what pushed his buttons, not animals. He got to his feet and began walking walked toward the light coming from the break in the forest caused by the power line. He could hear it buzzing and cracking high above as he approached. The pictures of a protected plant in the power company right of way might help the cause if they were seen by the right people. As he stepped out into the light onto a gravel path he was startled by the a figure standing in his (snip) While details such as the light tell me that Dan is doing a good job of seeing the environment, they are details that don't seem to help much. I cut the part about the noise because he doesn't react to it. While Dan may be intending to add an element of suspense with the noise, he immediately nullifies it with the explanation about forest animals. The noise would create suspense if all was very quiet and there was no reason for a noise. IMO)

All of this detail kept the most interesting stuff off the first page -- on page 2 there's a sting in his neck and all goes black. Unfortunately, the rest of the chapter concerns a funeral for someone unrelated (as far as we know) to the opening incident. Still, it would have been better to get the attack by the mysterious figure on the first page. Dan, you gave hints that the story is about a conflict between environmentalists and a power company in the opening, but nothing in the following pays that off. There is a reference to "demonstrations," but they aren't specific enough to connect with this. I think you've got a story, but so far are being a little too coy about letting the reader in on it.

Comments, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
3. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
4. If you're in a hurry, I've done "private floggings," $50 for a first chapter.
5. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it's okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2008 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Sheila]

I liked this better after Ray's edits, but rather than delete the section on him hearing the noise, I would leave that in. I think it will increase the tension if your character reacts to it. Maybe he swings around, thinking that the noise was too loud for a squirrel or deer, and then dismisses it as just his imagination.

I liked the description of the power lines "buzzing and crackling." But then I thought, would he hear any forest sounds over that noise? Maybe, if he wasn't that close to them.

Lincoln Jefferson-Davis - the son of civil war buffs, no doubt? Will that name have some bearing on his personality?

As this is, I wasn't compelled to read further. For me, I would like a hint at something more than "botanist vs. evil power company to save an endangered flower." I think I've seen that before. The flower in question was a cure for cancer, or something.

Good luck.

[Kami]

I was lured in because I'm a plant person and those details about the plants made the opening for me. Cutting that stuff out would remove too much character and too much of the sense of botanical expertise in the narrative.

When I was taking horticulture classes I used to drive my husband crazy naming all the plants in latin when we drove around. So bear that in mind--I like that kind of thing. Many other readers may not.

Anyway, I liked the noise and then the stranger. What dismayed me is what Ray described was to come, but since I didn't read that I won't comment on it except to say that the storyline didn't sound promising. I don't care for characters blacking out and the story starting up again someplace else.

I live near big power lines and you can hear over the buzzing and crackling just fine. It's loudest in fog, although I think that's mostly due to the baseline sounds--I think fog muffles sounds on the ground more and so the crackling seems louder, whereas when it's raining I can barely hear it because the rain is comparitively loud. In dry weather I don't hear anything from the lines. I think the stations are noisy 24/7 but I don't live near one of those.

The opening could use some light tightening and then it'd be fine for me!

[Dan]

Sorry I forgot to use the easy italic function available on Word. In a previous version I used the Latin name for the ladyflower, but my wife persuaded me that was over the top in an opening. I don't want to spoil things for readers, but the unfortunate Lincoln doesn't appear in the rest of the book because the sting in his neck is a fatal injection. I guess I should advance the news of his death to an earlier point, you think?

[Patty]

As botanist, I totally agree about the botanical names. They have to stay in. It tells us a lot about the character and the type of novel we're about to read.

If Lincoln isn't a character in the novel, but his death is a plot point, consider making this section a prologue.

I do agree with Ray, though, that it's overwritten. But I also think, when cleaned of excess verbiage, it could make a neat way to start the novel.

[Dan]

I think your pruning shears have clarified my opening. Now, if I can just put the clippers to good use in the body of the book....