Flogometer for Cheri: would you keep reading?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Cheri has sent the (very brief) prologue below, saying that it could be the start of her first chapter, and sent the chapter as well. Should the prologue be part of the chapter? Do you want to turn the first page, whichever it is? First, the prologue (8 lines):

Arethusa: The waterer. This was to be her new name. She knew this translation, of course, but little else had passed her mother's lips though she asked often enough. Was the name a curse or a blessing? Perhaps neither. Perhaps Mãe had merely destined her for a love of watery things. It was true. The sea was in her blood, slipping quicksilver through her veins. And the moon -- driving her tide, directing her course -- the moon goddess Artemis, was now to be her mistress. No more Eva now. No more a daughter of God.

It is strange how our names become our fate. No matter what my fate, given a choice . . . still I would choose that name: Arethusa, nymph of the old world, daughter of the moon goddess.

Here's the opening page (16 lines without the prologue):

Up on deck, Eva heard the hollow tang-tang of the ship's bell marking the hour of nine. She wiped the moisture from the thick glass of the porthole, but it was no use -- the goddess had not yet risen. The storm that had chased them for hours still threatened from the west: a twisting mass of thunder and waves and rain that clawed toward the clipper Sea Nymph with a vengeance.

The Azores lay in wait. Before dawn they would drop anchor in Angra Bay. The islands promised freedom, but as much as Eva wished to, she could not trust a hope, could not shake the dread of each approaching mile. She sensed a disquiet. She smelled it in the stateroom's musty air, tasted its bitter trace on her tongue, heard it in the voice of her mother as she fretted and paced behind her.

Eva could hear her rummaging through the candle box, the various nubs tapping against each other like bars of soap. "We're almost out of candles. We don't have enough. Not nearly enough wax," Mãe whispered, almost to herself.

Eva's mind was on something else entirely as she scanned the horizon once again. "If the storm blocks out the moonlight, can we complete the ceremony?"

When Mãe didn't answer, she glanced back, feeling again the stifling closeness of the stateroom. Having given up on the candles, her mother was now putting the last flourishes on a (snip)

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Despite nice writing, not for me
The writing has the tone of fantasy, and is generally good, and evocative. Cheri almost got me with the nice tension elements in the first chapter segment (dread, disquiet, stifling closeness), but it just didn't get me there. The tension was unfocused, if you will. I didn't know what the character was tense about, or was dreading, so couldn't know if it was a jeopardy worthy of reading on.

The prologue was simply information and a nicely put tease. I suspect that, in a store, I would have skipped it. If I hadn't, there was promise there that would have gotten me to the first chapter page. But only that far.

Brief notes on the first page:

Up on deck, Eva heard the hollow tang-tang of the ship's bell marking the hour of nine. She wiped the moisture from the thick glass of the porthole, but it was no use -- the goddess had not yet risen. The storm that had chased them for hours still threatened from the west: a twisting mass of thunder and waves and rain that clawed toward the clipper Sea Nymph with a vengeance. (A clarity/staging problem in the first sentence: it suggests that Eva is up on deck, but then she wipes moisture from a porthole, which can't be on deck.)

The Azores lay in wait. Before dawn they would drop anchor in Angra Bay. The islands promised freedom, but as much as Eva wished to, she could not trust a hope, could not shake the dread of each approaching mile. She sensed a disquiet. She smelled it in the stateroom's musty air, tasted its bitter trace on her tongue, heard it in the voice of her mother as she fretted and paced behind her. (I liked the mood of this paragraph, especially the last sentence. I didn't think the disquiet sentence contributed.)

Eva could hear her rummaging through the candle box, the various nubs tapping against each other like bars of soap. "We're almost out of candles. We don't have enough. Not nearly enough wax," Mãe whispered, almost to herself.

Eva's mind was on something else entirely as she scanned the horizon once again. "If the storm blocks out the moonlight, can we complete the ceremony?" (If you don't suggest what's on her mind, why mention it? Since there's nothing for the reader to imagine or grasp about "something," it doesn't move story forward, and can't mean anything to the reader, IMO.)

When Mãe didn't answer, she glanced back, feeling again the stifling closeness of the stateroom. Having given up on the candles, her mother was now putting the last flourishes on a (snip)

I did read on, of course, and nothing much happens. The protagonist's mother relates to her a fantastic experience with one of the "gods," which could either be true or not, that's not clear. But, other than what amounts to exposition and backstory, the narrative doesn't move forward. Were I Cheri, I think I'd look hard at getting to story first and filling in later. Although I know that in fantasy a certain amount of extra time is frequently given to world building and stage setting, here I felt more story would have served the reader better.

Those are my thoughts.

Comments, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

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Donations go to the cost of hosting FtQ.

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
3. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
4. If you're in a hurry, I've done "private floggings," $50 for a first chapter.
5. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it's okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2008 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Kim]

I enjoyed this beginning and I would have read on, but I would definitely have been disappointed if not much happened in the first chapter. Given the prologue, I was expecting a scene in which Eva's name is changed in a magic ceremony in order to save her when the ship goes down in the storm.

Just my two cents!

KZ

[Cheri]

Thanks so much, Ray and Kim, for your excellent comments! I will take them into consideration as I revise again.

~Cheri

[Paul]

I like the way the words string together--it's very poetic. I do agree that the story sometimes gets lost. I don't know what I'm supposed to focus on because everything seems to be given equal weight--the storm, her thoughts, her mom's thoughts.

I would have read on. I think a storm's a great way to begin because I can't wait to see what happens in the aftermath.

-Paul

[Margie]

I too couldn't decide on what to focus on. To engage the reader quickly, we need to know what is at risk and why we should care. It was a little too vague. Cheri's writing style is beautiful, however.
Margie

[Dan]

I admit that fantasy is not my favorite genre. That said, good imagery in writing floats my boat and I would have turned a few pages to learn more of the story.

[Patty]

I agree with Ray. Nice writing. I could picture the scene, but without getting at least a hint about what the mother is so worried about, or why they're going to the Azores (nice non-standard setting BTW), this beginning is a bit unfocused. It doesn't need more than a few words, I think.

I think you can safely lose the prologue. To me, it does more harm than good. Then again, I am not much one for Christian fiction, which I gather this is (based on the prologue).

[Kami]

I'm not a fan of the prologue either. I am a prologue reader, in general, but the prologue needs to have strong story questions just like a first chapter. This prologue only provides information. It's pretty, but it's just exposition that postpones the story.

Good luck!

[mai]

I'm about on the same page as Kim.

I liked the prologue a lot. I have a bias - I'm interested in names. Maybe I responded strongly to the prologue because of that. I found it more compelling than the chapter opening -- except for the great aural imagery of the ship's bell.

The first chapter quickly moved into women's-worries-about-small-stuff writing, which obscures a story. Small-stuff writing's like fussing in the kitchen when everyone's waiting for you to bring out the flaming turkey.

Because of the prologue, and the ship's bell (which I swear I could hear), I'd have turned the page. I was hoping for a hot chicken at least, if not the flaming turkey.

[JanW]

I love this writing. I love the prologue. Yes, I want story, but these characters and their setting is enchanting.

I think Ray may just not 'get it'. [giggle] I don't read fantasy or women's mystical, but I do get it. I would read this.

[Georgie B]

The prolouge didn't do it for me at all. Then again, my personal preference is to have the prolouge give a taste of things to come, not to simply reminisce about a name.

Having read quite a bit of fantasy, I'm used to having to go through a few pages of filler in order to get a feel of the story.

However, the filler should lead to somewhere solid and move the story along quickly. Can't tell you how many times when I came across so much filler in a fantasy novel at the beginning, that I became disgusted and got completely turned off by the book.