Flogometer for Bill: would you keep reading?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Bill's first 16 lines:

The airplane's drone increased to a roar. Flying without lights, it blasted out of the darkness and swooped over the shrimp boat so low all four men flattened on the deck in panic.

"Jesus Christ." Harpoon Conroy leaped up shouting at his two passengers. Harpoon knew the two guys still lying on the deck were Mexican nationals by their accents. The two got up shouting in Spanish and brushing themselves off.

Harpoon couldn't remember their names (Tito and Pedro) so he called the chubby one "Gordo" and his idiot sidekick "Bozo." They wore Bermuda shorts and luminous Hawaiian shirts and could not be more conspicuous in the deck floodlights if they wore Howdy Doody propeller beanies. The plane's single engine faded into the distance for a few seconds, then gained volume as it again plunged over them in a thunderous boom; the prop wash rocking the shrimp boat.

They only hunkered at the waist on this pass. The plane waggled its wings as it faded into the night. Gordo stood, flapping his arms, and shouted, "They recognize us."

Harpoon took off his ball cap, pointing it at the two passengers. "No way anybody could miss those shirts you're wearing." The plane faded away, and the engine labored as if gaining altitude. Again the sound increased but was less intense as it passed overhead much higher. The moon shining through a hole in the clouds illuminated three parachutes drifting toward them with (snip)

No go for me
Primarily, it was a lack of tension that blocked a turn of the page. The dropping of three parachutes at the end of the page was a little bit tempting, but the run up didn't suggest much in the way of conflict, jeopardy, or other tension-producing events in the story's future. The narrative dawdled a bit, too

-- for example, there's no real reason to have the plane make two passes. The story could have started with the parachute drop and reactions that suggested tension to come. Notes: The airplane's drone increased to a roar. Flying without lights, IIt blasted out of the darkness and swooped over the Harpoon Conroy's shrimp boat so low all four men flattened on the deck in panic, the prop wash rocking the boat. (Trimming to essentials: no lights isn't essential, blasting out of the dark is. I moved the protagonist's name up front so we knew whose boat this right at the start. As mentioned earlier, I'd put the parachutes here with the sentence " The moon shining through a hole in the clouds illuminated three parachutes drifting toward them.") "Jesus Christ." Harpoon Conroy leaped up and shouted shouting at his two passengers. Harpoon knew the two guys still lying on the deck were Mexican nationals by their accents. The two They got up shouting in Spanish and brushing themselves off. (The "Mexican nationals" part feels like info dump, and I'm not so sure that a Mexican national would sound all that different from an Hispanic from south Texas.) Harpoon couldn't remember their names, (Tito and Pedro) so he called the chubby one "Gordo" and his idiot sidekick "Bozo." They wore Bermuda shorts and luminous Hawaiian shirts and could not be more conspicuous in the deck floodlights if they wore Howdy Doody propeller beanies. The plane's single engine faded into the distance for a few seconds, then gained volume as it again plunged over them in a thunderous boom; the prop wash rocking the shrimp boat. (If the character can't remember names, then they have no place in the narrative, even parenthetically. Also, do you mean that he really called them the alternate names, which would be rude, or thought of them with those names? I'm not admitting that I'm old enough to know about Howdy Doody and propeller beanies, but I have a feeling that the reference would be lost on much of today's audience -- readers, please comment on this. Again, I'd just have one pass, drop the chutes, and get on with the story.) They only hunkered at the waist on this pass. The plane waggled its wings as it faded into the night. Gordo stood, flappeding his arms, and shouted, "They recognize us." (When the parachutes drop, it's clear that they've been recognized. Putting the drop at the top eliminates the need for this bit of narrative. Heck, I'd cut most of it anyway.) Harpoon took off his ball cap, pointing it at the two passengers. "No way anybody could miss those shirts you're wearing." The plane faded away, and the engine labored as if gaining altitude. Again the sound increased but was less intense as it passed overhead much higher. The moon shining through a hole in the clouds illuminated three parachutes drifting toward them with (snip) (I don't know that Harpoon's dialogue really contributes much to story here, and think that the narrative space could have been better used. I say start with the parachutes dropping, have the Mexicans react in ways that suggest their importance and perhaps what's in them, suggest a problem coming for Harpoon, and get on with the story.) Comments, anyone? For what it's worth, Ray Donations go to the cost of hosting FtQ. Public floggings available. If I can post it here, send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay. If you're in a hurry, I've done "private floggings," $50 for a first chapter. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it's okay with me to update the submission. ARCHIVES © 2008 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Patty]

I mostly agree with Ray's comments and edits, but I wouldn't call my reason for not wanting to read on 'lack of tension'.

I think the scene itself has plenty of potential. Maybe it's having spent time on live-about dive boats way out in the ocean and having witnessed Customs swoops that makes me partial to a scene like this. I think this could be a cracker of a scene.

But I think it needs some extensive re-writing and cutting. Once the plane comes out of the darkness, I think you need to maintain urgency by snipping out everything that doesn't matter. Don't stop the story to tell us the men are Mexicans - let them yell something in Spanish and let the reader work it out themselves. Definitely don't stop the narrative to describe what everyone was wearing! How could they see this in the dark anyway? In the dark, that doesn't matter one bit.

So yeah, let the plane swoop once, disgorge its parachutists. Let us see it from the character's POV and never mind the rest. Then add a bit more atmosphere. What did the character do and feel while all this happened? Night at sea is a very dark place to be, and if a vehicle doesn't have lights, you're not gonna see it no matter what. The noise of a plane coming towards you would be frightening.

[Ray Rhamey]

Excellent comment, Patty. I wish I'd said that.

Thanks.

Ray

[Patty]

I wish I'd said that.

Ahem. I hope that doesn't include the typos. For those who wonder about peculiarity of Aussie idiom: no, there isn't such term as live-about. It should be live-aboard. Blame me and my pathetic typing.

[Kami]

I don't always have to have someone to care about in an opening scene, but I'd prefer that the person I do see is not a jerk, or, if a jerk, is an entertaining/amusing jerk.

And ditto Patty.

[Sheila]

Some things that gave me pause, beyond what the others have mentioned:

What happened to the fourth guy? In paragraph one you mention 4 guys flattening to the deck. In the next few it's Harpoon and the two Mexicans.

I didn't like the description of the two Mexicans shouting at each other while brushing themselves off. It creates a funny visual - the panic of the shouting coupled with a physical gesture of nonchalance. They are contradictory actions. And what are they brushing off?

When I first read through this, I thought that the people in the plane were adversaries. I didn't realize until Ray's comment that the plane was dropping something for the people in the boat to pick up. The tension of an attack was what propelled me forward as a reader.

I agree that there is an interesting scene here, but right now I'm more intrigued by Patty's mention of witnessing many customs swoops - what have you been up to, Patty? (insert smiley face)

Keep at it!

[kathy]

Sheila has an interesting point. If the plane is dropping something for the boat, why are they worried about being seen?

[Patty]

Hmm - that's an interesting angle I hadn't picked up. I thought the plane was dropping people to attack the boat (or do whatever - something not good to the boat's occupants).

What I did? Well, when I was at Uni, I spent a fair bit of time scuba diving on the Great Barrier Reef. It's about 100km from land, and out there, it's amazing how active Customs planes are. They'll fly over, and over, and over again, and if they don't like what they see, they'll send out the coast patrol.

[Sheila]

Patty, I'm so jealous. I don't think I'd have gotten much work done had I gone to school in Australia. Come to think of it, I didn't get much work done in Colorado (skiing!). I guess it wasn't a good idea for me to go to school in a vacation setting. It's a lesson I will share with my kids. One of many they will probably ignore.