Flogometer for Ann: would you keep reading?

		Flogometer for Ann: would you keep reading? The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective. Note: all the Flogometer posts are here. What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative. Ann's first 16 lines: The goats' long horns were tied tight to their fellows immediately before them, forcing the beasts' gazes to the ground to prevent them from panicking against the winds whipping down from the rocks. Amar checked the ropes keeping the flock together and looked upward into the looming storm. It was a swift summer thunderer they called God's Wrath, for it blew in quickly like an avalanche with punishing force. Far below, the sun of the late summer afternoon was being chased westward by shadow. The city was eaten as well, dusk arriving too soon for the lamplighters to run their routes. The movement of some lights told of a scurrying for home, an urgency to secure barns and window shutters, and to pack up the tents and awnings of the market ahead of the weather. The bell tolled the evening call to prayer, the sound rising up to the boys on the mountainside, as if voicing moral support for those unwary enough to be caught out in the open. Amar, at seventeen and a half, didn't like to think of himself as unwary, and studied the dark green belly of the cloud mass, trying to assume the expression of one pondering a fly in his soup. He preferred to consider himself above the sort who would fear the weather, reserving such weakness for his father's switch and the dire words of the priests. Still, watching this storm creep into the valley over the ancient monster of rock they had (snip) I came very close I liked the writing, and the voice, and the tone of an epic fantasy novel (I'm a fan), and think I would have turned the page with just a touch more tension. For example, a sense of real jeopardy from the approaching storm -- they're at high altitude, there could be tales of the death-dealing fury of a storm on the mountaintop. As it was, though, I wasn't truly compelled. Some notes: The goats' long horns were tied tight to their fellows immediately before them, forcing the beasts' gazes to the ground to prevent them from panicking against the winds whipping down from the rocks. Amar checked the ropes keeping the flock together and looked upward into the looming storm. It was a swift summer thunderer they called God's Wrath, for it blew in quickly, like an avalanche with punishing force. (I liked the intent of the first sentence, but found it confusing and not really credible. I don't see how tying horns together would force the goats to look down. All they'd have to do is raise their heads. So right off I was taken out of the story because of this apparent contradiction.) Far below, the sun of the late summer afternoon was being chased westward by the storm's shadow. The city was eaten as well, dusk arriving too soon for the lamplighters to run their routes. The movement of some lights told of a scurrying for home, an urgency to secure barns and window shutters, and to pack up the tents and awnings of the market ahead of the weather. The bell tolled the evening call to prayer, the sound rising up to the boys on the mountainside, as if voicing moral support for those unwary enough to be caught out in the open. ("some" is vague. Even something such as "scattered" or "a handful" would be more likely to evoke a picture. The unwary-enough-to-be-out-in-the-storm part would be a good place to increase the potential jeopardy up on the mountainside.) Amar, at seventeen and a half, didn't like to think of himself as unwary, and studied the dark green belly of the cloud mass, trying to assume the expression of one pondering a fly in his soup. He preferred to consider himself above the sort who would fear the weather, reserving such weakness for his father's switch and the dire words of the priests. Still, watching this storm creep into the valley over the ancient monster of rock they had (snip) (Giving us Amar's age here, in this fashion, is a break in the close POV that is established in this paragraph. Find another way. For example, "In his seventeen years, Amar had never been caught in a storm on the mountain." For me, a little too much was devoted to characterization here where you need to hook the reader and make them wonder what's going to happen next.) Good writing, though. The rest of the chapter showed the same talent, though there was some head-hopping going on between this character and his fellow goat herder. Put a little more impending drama in this first page and I'll read on. Comments, anyone? For what it's worth, Ray Donations go to the cost of hosting FtQ. Public floggings available. If I can post it here, send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay. If you're in a hurry, I've done "private floggings," $50 for a first chapter. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it's okay with me to update the submission. ARCHIVES © 2008 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Deana]

I have to say, I'm surprised at Ray's comments here. To me, the piece was waaaay overwritten, and this is usually something Ray hones in on.

For instance, the opening sentence. It doesn't do any of the things Ray usually looks for. It's passive and wordy, and the story isn't about goats.

I wouldn't have read past the first paragraph, but, having done so, I have to agree with Ray that the scene could have been compelling.

[kathy]

I agree with Deana, although the writing was very good it seemed more like poetry. I could not read 300-400 pages.

[Sheila]

I liked the descriptions of the storm and the young man up on the mountain watching his village brace for its arrival. I felt sympathy for this guy.

I've never seen a cloud with a dark green belly, that made me wonder. Also, the construction "was being" is one to avoid. It's passive. Try turning that sentence around - "the storm's shadow chased the late afternoon sun westward." And then, at the end, the storm is creeping into the valley, whereas, in the first paragraph, it is described as the kind of storm that blew in quickly.

I think I would have read a bit further, but if more craft issues popped up (like the head hopping Ray mentioned) I would put it down.

Good luck!

[Ray Rhamey]

On "overwritten:" there's a style issue here. Epic fantasies are frequently "rich" with language and expression, some more than others. I try to avoid interfering too much with a writer's voice, and that "fantasy voice" is what's happening here.

Could I have trimmed it down to match my own lean style? Absolutely. Would it be the right thing to do? I don't think so. If the prose began to get in the way of story, I would advise my client. For me, this style was acceptable as long as there was compelling story.

And thus we experience again the enormously subjective nature of reading and editing. And genre differences, as well. A "chick lit" voice could be very jarring in an epic fantasy (though it might be fun to try).

For what it's worth.

[AnnG]

Thanks for the flogging and the comments!

I might need some explanation of the head-hopping. I get the idea that there's a problem with perspective going on, but am not clear on it enough to address it.

Deana & kathy: I'll review for over-writing. I was trying to get some visuals in, and might have tried *too* hard! I can see some kind of tangled sentences already.

I'm actually pleased that Ray got the impression of an epic fantasy, which is what I was going for. I like and appreciate his comments, and can probably have less goats and more tension. It's hard to build up to the point where Something happens (which I think is the second page), and in writing (4 chapters so far), I feel the pace is perhaps too fast. Adding details like the goats kind of slows it down, but perhaps in the wrong way.

Thanks again! I've found the whole site very helpful, especially reading comments and critiques of other stories.

[AnnG]

NOTE: Never mind on the head-hopping, a search of the site came up with links explaining it. :) Will read and ponder.

[Ray Rhamey]

Here are links to a couple of FtQ posts on "head hopping," which is jumping from within one character's point of view to another's within a scene, and with no transitions. This is done, however, in the omniscient POV, but not a good idea in close third person. The links:

http://www.floggingthequill.com/flogging_the_quill/2004/12/an_executive_ed.html

http://www.floggingthequill.com/flogging_the_quill/2004/12/flogging_point_.html

[Kami]

I wouldn't have read on. I agree with the already mentioned craft issues with sentences trying to do too much at once. Also, as an owner of goats, I can't imagine them doing anything except panicking and getting tangled if they're tied together in any way shape or form. Also, it's bad to manipulate goats by their horns. Their instinct is to fight any push or pull on their horns (and horns have been known to break! At which point they'll bleed like crazy.) Maybe this would work if they'd been raised with that kind of handling, but I've never heard of it and so it tossed me out of the story.

It's easiest to just have a harness on one goat, some treats in your pocket, and they'll follow you and the 'lead' goat everywhere. Also, once goats learn to trust their shepherd they'll tend to crowd to that person in times of strife. It's very handy to have a dog in case they panic because in a panic situation they may simply scatter and at that point a person will be unable to keep them together. It might even be iffy for a dog at that point. The key is to keep moving. Once you stop they interpret that as goof-off time. If you keep moving they may dawdle but eventually they'll worry about falling behind and missing out on treats and will dash after you (and proceed to get in your way.)

My goaty ten cents. :D Your mileage may vary. I certainly don't know all there is about goats and goat handling!

[mai]

I liked the setting, the slightly archaic tone, the details, the tension of the coming storm and the way Amar resists his fears. Some details didn't work for me. Sheep might need to be tethered, gathered or corralled against a storm, but goats are smart and hardy, and don't panic about weather, as a rule. In fact, cross-tying a flock of goats is a recipe for disaster, given their wiliness and agility -- and it's something a one or two herders couldn't handle alone, even if they were unwise enough to try it. Would there be barns in the city? I think granaries, storehouses and animal shelters, surely, but what we think of as barns wouldn't fit into the tight requirements of buildings in what we think of as cities, even old ones... unless the barns are on the outskirts(?). Some of the phrasing in the third paragraph is a little convoluted -- for example, "Amar, at seventeen and a half, didn't like to think of himself as unwary, and studied...". The two halves of this sentence are not parallel enough for an "and" to work before the section that starts with "studied".

I'm a fan of this kind of writing, and despite my quibbles, this opening is good enough that I'd have turned the page.

[mai]

Ah, reading others' comments now, specifically Sheila's remark about the green-bellied cloud... I saw such a storm once -- it was a heavy (big-time low pressure & tornadic winds) storm, on a very late summer afternoon, that approached a ridge of hills (I was on top of one of them) that had tops about 2000 feet above sea level. The clouds were maybe another 1000 feet above that. During sunset, you can sometimes see a thin strip of green in the sky -- I think in this storm, the same conditions that produce the green sunset light were hitting the clouds -- light a certain angle, at a certain time of day, at a particular altitude.