Flogometer for Pat: would you keep reading?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Pat wrote that he has had several requests for his manuscript -- so his query must be quite good -- but that he hasn't connected, the agents saying that the voice didn't resonate or the writing didn't pull them through. Here are the first 16 lines:

The second pop Prent Porter heard was louder than the first, like a firecracker set off in the hallway outside the junior high cafeteria. At the sound of the scream, Prent whirled, heart pounding.

The next scream followed on the crescendo of the first, but the next after that didn't wait for such a cue. A tumult of shouts and cries followed, the sound of a roller coaster in its first dive, punctuated by another pop. Students spilled from the stairwell outside the doorway, a tangled, scrambling mess, bawling, shrieking, eyes wide as they all clawed past one another, over one another.

Prent stood, bewildered. Somehow, he was rooted to the floor, unable to move from the linoleum as he saw the confusion, kids he knew and didn't know clambering for the glass doors to the commons, tearing past the cafeteria lines into the kitchen itself, racing for any door, any escape.

Another pop, louder, closer, a bang really, and the mass of fleeing kids surged, vomiting into the cafeteria in a another wave of desperate, blind terror, screams and shouts swelling again as the stampede rose in another curl of panic.

The crowd in the doorway trailed off suddenly, but the uproar worsened, an impenetrable clamor as the first bloodied kid staggered in, clutching at his neck, his collar and shoulder bright (snip)

This is a tough one
I did want to turn the page because of the dramatic action, and yet I didn't because of some of the writing. I suspect I was influenced by what Pat had told be about other reactions, too. Deciding that wavering was a precursor to a no, I didn't turn the page. But I did read on, of course, as part of doing what I do, and I think I see what the agents are reacting to. There are, for me, some voice problems, and some overwriting. First, some notes:

The second pop Prent Porter heard was louder than the first, like a firecracker set off in the hallway outside the junior high cafeteria. At the sound of the scream, Prent whirled, heart pounding. (I don't quite buy that his heart was instantly pounding. In a junior high, a scream of some sort would not be uncommon, especially when the place is full of kids on lunch hour. Would that, plus a firecracker [as far as he knows, that's what it is] be enough to set his heart pounding? This created a first bit of doubt, a small lack of credibility, and lessened confidence in the writing to come [for me; this is terribly picky and subjective].)

The next scream followed on the crescendo of the first, but the next after that didn't wait for such a cue. A tumult of shouts and cries followed, the sound of a roller coaster in its first dive, punctuated by another pop. Students spilled from the stairwell outside the doorway, a tangled, scrambling mess, bawling, shrieking, eyes wide as they all clawed past one another, over one another. (I cut the first sentence for a couple of reasons. First is voice. Things like "crescendo" and "wait for such a cue" don't seem to me to be the voice of a junior-high kid. But we're very close inside his point of view. To have such adult language keeps us at arms length because we know that it's not really the kid telling this story. A second reason is that this is an action scene. Action plays much better with short, crisp sentences and with clear, direct language. This sentence offers neither. This, perhaps, is a symptom of the "writing that didn't pull me through." Also, the staging isn't clear. The boy is in the lunchroom, yet the action is people spilling from a stairway outside the door. A needless complication, to me, in what we're supposed to be seeing.)

Prent stood, bewildered. Somehow, he was rooted to the floor., unable to move from the linoleum as he saw the confusion, kKids he knew and didn't know clambereding for the glass doors to the commons, tearing past the cafeteria lines into the kitchen itself, racing for any door, any escape. (I've tried to show here how this very dramatic action is much more active without the extra information. Another staging issue: I can deduce that now the kids are pouring into the cafeteria, but the narrative doesn't actually tell me that. We need to be seeing that, I think.)

Another pop, louder, closer, a bang really, and the mass of fleeing kids surged, vomiting into the cafeteria in a another wave of desperate, blind terror, screams and shouts swelling again as the stampede rose in another curl of panic. (I think this sentence, much reduced, should precede the paragraph above to show the kids coming into the cafeteria. Although I appreciate the use of "vomit," I'd consider staying with "surge" only because the striking use of the word takes me out of the action just a little. The reference to the stampede at the last is really telling us what the narrative has been showing, so isn't really needed, IMO.)

The crowd in the doorway trailed off suddenly, but the uproar worsened, an impenetrable clamor as the first when a bloodied kid staggered in, clutching at his neck, his collar and shoulder bright (snip) (Using "impenetrable clamor" is another "voice violation" to my ear, another use of language that 1) a kid wouldn't use and 2) perhaps no one would use at such a time of extreme panic. Again, shorter sentences with crisp, active language creates a sense of action, over-description bogs it down.)

I read on, and the writing was as foreshadowed by the first page. It's good writing, in many ways, but (for me) often too much of it. We go deeper into the boy's mind and reactions and it becomes almost stream-of-consciousness, which is at times dense and a little tangled. Yes, a panicked mind would tangle things -- but let an untangled narrative show that.

Pat's ability to vividly imagine this scene was good, but I'll concur with the agents on voice and writing. He needs to be inside this middle-schooler's head and let the narrative be shaped by the way he would think and would say things if there's to be a sense of authenticity here. Perhaps if he does that, some of the excess narrative will go away. If not, he needs to find fresh eyes to help him see what is excess and what is not, a critique group, an editor, or another writer with good narrative skills.

But he should definitely keep at it. Put the manuscript aside for a good while and come back to it. Try reading it aloud and see if the narrative seems to sag. And thanks for sending your work.

Comments, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
3. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
4. If you're in a hurry, I've done "private floggings," $50 for a first chapter.
5. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it's okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES .

© 2008 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Deana]

I think Ray is spot-on when he says this is an author who has vividly imagined the scene, and I think his advice to put the ms aside is also spot-on.

But Pat, even if you do set the work aside for a while, don't stop thinking about it. Think about it everyday, in the shower, waiting in line at the bank, while driving, every chance you get. Especially try to think about it just before you fall asleep.

Hopefully, when you go back to work on it, your thinking and planning will pay off and you will find the writing comes easier. As it is now, I get the impression that the writing is difficult for you, and readers are definitely not attracted to that.

Let your subconscious do the heavy lifting for a while and see if that helps.

[Norm]

I didn't want to read on. I didn't have enough of a connection with Prent (I didn't really like the name, too odd for Jr High where everyone tries to be average). I understand that he is in the middle of a melee but I don't care about him or the others yet.

The overwriting also pulled me out of the story. It was "writerly" and needed to be more immediate. Having been guilt of overwriting, I empathize. Been there, consummated that.

I agree with Ray to set it aside. The agents don't need to see it "now," they should see it when it's ready.

[Sheila]

Congratulations on getting requests for your work. You obviously have a compelling story to tell, and that's a great accomplishment. Voice and writing are hard to nail down, but I think Ray's advice (and the editing he did here) will help a lot.

I also didn't connect with this because I didn't really connect with Prent, both emotionally and I literally couldn't see where he was physically. When you write "like a firecracker set off in the hallway outside the junior high cafeteria" - I don't take that to literally mean he is in a cafeteria. But I inferred it later on. (Why is he in the cafeteria while everyone else is streaming down the stairs? Don't all middle-schoolers have the same lunch period?)

Maybe you could take a sentence or two to set the scene before the shots ring out. Tell us something about Prent and what he's doing so we can put ourselves in his shoes. You can hook the reader without jumping right into the action, like this: "Prent Porter shouldn't have been in the cafeteria when Bad Guy started shooting upstairs, but Cute Girl had cafeteria duty and he thought he'd stay to help her wipe down the tables." You can show us something about Prent and then we'll care about him when he frozen in shock and the gun-person approaches.

I would use "a tangled, scrambling mass," instead of "mess."

Good luck!

[JanW]

Ok, here goes. I didn't care for the name, Prent Porter. Had no clue of the gender, so my first thought was that this was a girl. No idea why.

Then I didn't know where we were. There is mention of 'the junior high school', but I didn't connect that to the character at this particular time. I think that was because it was used in the simile for the firecracker and the sound. If the concepts were turned around so that the location was matched with the actual sound, it might work better. e.g. [[The second pop outside the junior high school cafeteria was soft, like a fire cracker. Prent Porter stiffened in the metal folding chair and dropped his sandwich into his soup.]] Note there is an event, an interpretation and a reaction.

Phrases like "At the sound of the scream" drag things out. Punchy phrases will amp the tension. "When Sandy Parkhurst screamed, Prent jumped in his skin...." 'the sound of' is telling words.

Too many series of events, like: 'next', second, the one after that. It's like an instruction manual or a newspaper report.

I was pulled out at 'the commons'. That made me think we were at a university rather than a school. alt: playground or parking lot or side yard.

The other bit that made me shake my head in the first sentence was mentioning the second thing that happened without knowing what the first thing was. 'Second' is relative to something, so my first sense was that I was cheated or expected to know something I didn't.

I too want to know what happens in this story. 'Tighten' is your guide word. That will help the piece read much better and faster.

Hope those comments help all that subconscious thinking you're going to do.

[Mai]

I had the same did / didn't reaction Ray had. I'm more likely to go against general opinion than go in its direction, so editors' comments had no effect on the didn't side of things.

Overwriting usually feels like the work of an untamed literary mind to me, the result of a flow of words and wordplay that's sometimes almost unstoppable. The remedy is to edit the writing.

But this opening felt like the work of an untamed imagination, as if the author's imagination is unstoppable, and he can see his scenes from many angles and eyes simultaneously. If so, the remedy is to edit the imagination before it becomes words, to choose a smaller number of angles and eyes, only the most important ones. The writing itself, if taken in small doses, is excellent. The over-richness of images piling in on top of each other is what interferes with the story, for me. I get lost the scene details, instead of moving with the story. The author needs to hone more closely to his action, so he can take me along with it. The story and writing are very vivid and powerful. Being more spare is what's needed.

There's a concept, in Japanese art, about imperfection and incompleteness. Over and over again, I find this concept applies to fiction and poetry, too. Allowing some deliberate imperfection and incompleteness in a work begs deeper participation on the parts of readers, by touching their innate desires to explore and mend imperfections and incompleteness.

[Kamila Miller]

This is a great opening. The name didn't bother me, but the lack of personal involvement of the character did. Poor Prent was just a video camera taking the shots while the action moved in front of him. Assuming this isn't a prologue and Prent survives, and assuming that he's the protagonist through the whole novel, he needs to do something.

And yes, he can do something while frozen, standing there. Victims who freeze up often report a sense of rational calm and safety. He can have a conflict going where part of him knows he needs to move but the other part is telling him it's going to stop any second now or if he doesn't move maybe he won't be noticed. Sometimes the brain just feeds in a loop and you can include the reader in whatever loop he's stuck in. One that's commonly reported is 'waiting for the right moment.' People have waited for the right moment to do something right up to the point where they're shot in the head. Though, honestly, unless this is non-fiction this is one area where the experiences of the character have to serve the story, so it's more important to have protagging than accuracy.

Anyway, the point is that from the very start Prent needs to become more of a character and less of a camera. He's going to know and recognize people. He's going to feel things, or not and notice that he should be. His actions, or lack thereof, will result in consequences, and onward charges the plot.

Good luck!

[Pat]

I wanted to give it a week to digest it all.

Thanks to everyone for the thought-out and honest feedback. All good points to consider. My problem with the voice, I guess, is stemming from my last ms., which got as far as an editor at one of the larger houses who declined it and commented that it had a "strong story" and "compelling characters" but that the writing was "uninteresting" . . . I tried with this piece to make it more interesting, but I guess went too far. Out comes the blue pencil . . .

Much appreciated!

[Scott]

Congratulations on getting as far as you have and good luck with getting over the top.

I agree with the comments that Prent is too much the passive reporter. The tragic action is very compelling but it would grab us more if we cared more about Prent. He might tell us what he is feeling. Also maybe begin to link this tragedy to some sort of personal conflict that hints at why he is not fleeing too.

Like (with apologies): Prent Porter stood rooted to the linoleum as a tangled, scrambling mass of other kids surged from the stairwell around him into the cafeteria. Another pop, louder, closer, a bang really, and they stampeded, bawling, shrieking, pummeling against him. It couldn't be Jake, it just couldn't be.

It would be wonderful to see your dynamite query if you would feel comfortable posting.