Flogometer for Mike: would you keep reading?

Taking the day off, mates. See you Wednesday.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Mike's first 16 lines of his prologue:

The necromancer's glowing blue sword hissed and sizzled with each snowflake unfortunate enough to fall against the exposed blade.

Where seconds before there was nothing in front of him but icy wind, now stood a bald man with a shimmering red cloak. The cloak. The necromancer involuntarily moved a step back and bowed deeply.

"My lord, I await your command and…"

"Take my arm." The man's voice was like sandpaper rubbed slowly on stone.

The necromancer's eyes went wide, "I am truly honored by…"

"Take my arm now or you shall be as oblivious as the sheep whose lives we go to drain." A flash of something horrible behind the man's pitch black eyes confirmed that the perceived honor was nothing of the sort.

Grasping his chalky white wrist, the necromancer felt slivers of ice and fire rise from all points of his body at once. The exquisite pain relented as fast as it had come, and in its place were the telltale lights of a portal.

Crossing the threshold, they stepped into a world surprisingly alien to the necromancer. His darting gaze took in a room full of things he had never before seen. Metal boxes with glowing (snip)

I was not taken
Even though I'm a SF/fantasy fan, there were clarity and writing issues that stopped me. It's not that I usually skip prologues, for some reason this just didn't resonate with me. Notes:

The necromancer's glowing blue sword hissed and sizzled with each snowflake unfortunate enough to fall against the exposed blade. (For me, anthropomorphizing the snowflakes didn't add anything. My philosophy: keep it simple.)

Where seconds before there was had been nothing in front of him but icy wind, now stood a bald man with a shimmering red cloak. The cloak. The necromancer involuntarily moved a step back and bowed deeply. (Why "involuntarily?" Is he flinching? This didn't seem helpful to me, so I cut it.)

"My lord, I await your command and -- " (Interrupted speech is indicated by an em dash [ -- ]. Ellipses are good for speech that trails off.)

"Take my arm." The man's voice was like sandpaper rubbed slowly on stone. (While the necromancer greeted this guy as "my lord," thereafter he's referred to as "the man." Why not a name or title? If he's just a man, why all the respect?)

The necromancer's eyes went wide, "I am truly honored by -- ""

"Take my arm now or you shall be as oblivious as the sheep whose lives we go to drain." A flash of something horrible behind the man's pitch black eyes confirmed that the perceived honor was nothing of the sort. (Sorry, but "something horrible" is too vague to really mean anything. The part about "perceived honor" was, for me, a little tangled and hard to parse.)

Grasping his chalky white wrist, the necromancer felt slivers of ice and fire rise from all points of his body at once. The exquisite pain relented as fast as it had come, and in its place were the telltale lights of a portal. (A couple of clarity issues here. "His" chalky wrist seems to refer to the necromancer's wrist. This is where it would be helpful if "the man" had a title or name. Using that instead of the pronoun would make this easily clear. Secondly, wasn't the pain in the necromancer's body? If not, how could he feel it. If so, how could pain become a portal that is outside his body? As you see, I found this confusing.)

Crossing the threshold, they stepped into a world surprisingly alien to the necromancer. His darting gaze He took in a room full of things he had never before seen. Metal boxes with glowing (snip) (Why "surprisingly?" We don't know enough about the necromancer to understand why he is surprised. As for "his darting gaze," I feel that's overwriting. There are times, even in fantasy where excessive language is sometimes accepted, that simplicity and clarity are best for moving a story forward.)

The portal takes them to a room that is obviously a military installation, and the necromancer conjures millions of cockroaches and the man casts a spell. Yuck. But it ends with this reader not having a clue as to what this story is about. My advice to Mike: look at starting with your first chapter, with something interesting happening to an interesting person. You seem to have a vivid story down the road, so let's get to it. Keep working, you'll get there.

Comments, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
3. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
4. If you're in a hurry, I've done "private floggings," $50 for a first chapter.
5. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it's okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES .

© 2008 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Kamila Miller]

I personally didn't have much of a problem with the prose. I enjoyed the sinister mood of it all. Having said that, there were hints of game fiction (which some people enjoy but I don't particularly so bear that in mind) and mwa ha ha that put me off.

So these guys are just bald-faced evil? Why would I want to read about them? If the first one on the scene had a problem I could relate to and/or if the second guy on the scene seemed charismatic, kindly (that's always creepy, to have a kindly bad guy) or otherwise worthy of following I might be intrigued.

[Deana]

"The necromancer's glowing blue sword hissed and sizzled with each snowflake unfortunate enough to fall against the exposed blade."

JUST FOR COMPARISON'S SAKE:

The necromancer's sword sizzled with each snowflake that fell against the blade.

So...knowing as we do how critical the first sentence is...

Which one does a better job of getting the READER to the action, and which one does a better job of satisfying the WRITER'S desire for complicated prose?

(I'm not saying you have to pare it down to the bare bones, just trying to make a contrast.)

[Mai]

I liked (in some cases, loved) many of the individual images - some of them really came to life.

I thought there was overwriting, though, which subtracted from the images' impact, and slowed the story down.

I have no problem with two baddies dueling it out. Bad guys are often the life of the party. There were missed opportunities to give life and depth to the characters. The necromancer has grit, but the overwriting can lead the reader to infer he's weaker than he really is. (And if a bald head isn't an important point for the opening, why include it?)

I loved the opening image of a sword that's glowing blue and so hot it makes snowflakes melt with a sizzle. If told more economically, it's a gripping first image.

If underwritten (is there such a thing?) I think the images, scenes and characters could really pop. I was close to turning the page because the scenes were vivid, but there were action and character muddinesses that came simply from the effects of overwriting, and I hesitated and didn't turn.

[Mai]

Forgot to say this about "chalky white wrist"... Chalky is not a great modifier for white. Chalky is a textural adjective. It carries its color (whitish) along with it. If his wrist had a chalky texture and was also white, you can write "chalky wrist". But if you mean a particular shade of white and the skin is normal-textured, the better way to write it is "chalk-white wrist" or "chalk-colored wrist".