Flogometer for Martin: would you keep reading?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Martin's first 16 lines of a mystery/romance:

Frank looked up and down Bobcat Lane, in the small-mammals section of the housing development. No cop cars in sight. Half a dozen families were holding garage sales, their driveways and lawns spread with tables and boxes. He pedaled to the first sale. It looked like a Type-2 sale, with overtones of Type-3. About what he expected in the small-mammals section.

He dismounted, laid his bike chain-side-up on the grass, and eyed the tables lining the drive: kitchenware, knickknacks, picture frames, dingy window shades. On the ground stood an old fireplace-set with the brass plating flaking off the andiron knobs and tool handles. Little chance of good leather here, and even less for hammers or tongs, but since he had stopped, it was polite to look at the rest of the stuff, and sometimes politeness paid off. Besides, even though it was Sunday morning and the merchandise had been picked over, there was still a chance for the Big Score.

Frank ambled up driveway, his glance sliding over a yogurt maker, three old dial telephones, a box of seashells. A middle-aged man, the only other customer, was addressing an invisible golf ball on the driveway with a putter taken from a golf bag stuffed with mismatched clubs.

Frank nodded to the owners, a man and woman sitting in lawn chairs in the entrance of the garage. An open cashbox rested safely on the man's lap. No divorce or household shake-up (snip)

Good writing, but not compelling for me

The challenge is to compel, and this tale of a garage sale didn't raise in me either tension or story questions. The writing is good and clean, as was the rest of the chapter, but was bogged down (for me) with a great deal of detail amidst very little action. After this page Frank encounters a woman, they flirt and shop. At the very end of the chapter was what could be a provocative opening. I'll show you that after some notes.

Frank looked up and down Bobcat Lane, in the small-mammals section of the housing development. No cop cars in sight. Half a dozen families were holding garage sales, their driveways and lawns spread with tables and boxes. He pedaled to the first sale. It looked like a Type-2 sale, with overtones of Type-3. About what he expected in the small-mammals section. (Unless things like "small mammals section" and Type-2/Type 3 sales are key to the plot, I'd avoid them. I understand that they may be a way of characterizing the protagonist, but I found the Type-2/Type-3 stuff confusing because it doesn't mean anything at all to me. Yeah, Bobcat Lane explains "small mammals section," but why include it? This is the place for the hook, and these details didn't serve as bait for me. By the way, a half-dozen garage sales in one block or so seems like an awful lot to me. I've sure never seen that many at once. Visualize that and see what you think.)

He dismounted, laid his bike chain-side-up on the grass, and eyed the tables lining the drive: kitchenware, knickknacks, picture frames, dingy window shades. On the ground stood an old fireplace-set with the brass plating flaking off the andiron knobs and tool handles. Little chance of good leather here, and even less for hammers or tongs, but since he had stopped, it was polite to look at the rest of the stuff, and sometimes politeness paid off. Besides, eEven though it was Sunday morning and the merchandise had been picked over, there was still a chance for the Big Score. (Are thing such as "chain-side-up" necessary? Didn't really seem so in the rest of the chapter, even though this guy is a bit obsessive about bike riding. This kind of overwriting bleeds pace away.)

Frank ambled up driveway, his glance sliding over a yogurt maker, three old dial telephones, a box of seashells. A middle-aged man, the only other customer, was addressing an invisible golf ball on the driveway with a putter taken from a golf bag stuffed with mismatched clubs. (Nice description, but where is the story?)

Frank nodded to the owners, a man and woman sitting in lawn chairs in the entrance of the garage. An open cashbox rested safely on the man's lap. No divorce or household shake-up (snip) (We're still setting the scene and are at the bottom of the page. So far, a guy has gotten off his bike and looked at old stuff. There was a brief moment of tension at the "no cops" point early on, but that has long since died since it hasn't been followed up on.)

To paraphrase one literary agent, because they can reject you on the first page, they do. All the signs are here of a story that dawdles, the opposite of a page-turner, and readers look for page-turners. Check out the "Story as River" post in the link above.

Here's the bit from the very end of the chapter that I thought could be a dandy beginning:

On a lawn down the block a spotted pit bull was lunging lunged at a dismounted cyclist. Crouching, she circled away from the dog, blocking its lunges charges with her bike. In one hand she wielded her bicycle pump.

Frank jerked up on the handlebar, leaping his bike over the curb. He braked hard and swung sideways on the grass, almost hitting the pit bull. He sprang off, tottering, on the side away from the dog. T and the dog lunged for attacked him.

As you can see, even that could be crisper (and three uses of "lunge" needed to be trimmed to one), but it definitely has tension and raises strong story questions. Keep at it, Martin, but I think you should get your scissors out now and then.

Comments, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
3. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
4. If you're in a hurry, I've done "private floggings," $50 for a first chapter.
5. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it's okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES .

© 2008 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Kamila Miller]

If the author had several books on the shelf already and I'd read and enjoyed them, I might have kept going. But if the author was an unknown I wouldn't know whether to trust that we'd get to a story sooner than later so I'd probably pick up another book with a more compelling beginning and a more sympathetic pov character.

There's echoing in that first paragraph, and I suspect in the rest of the manuscript based on the lunging issue with the pit bull. Small mammals section of the housing development was clever the first time, but the second time it clunked.

I thought all golf clubs were mismatched. ? I'm not a golfer, obviously, but it's my understanding that people get lots of different kinds of clubs, each for a specific job.

I'd have an easier time getting drawn into the story if it was going a direction. The cops and mention of Big Score made me think he's a thief going to rob these people later if there's an indication of better stuff in the house. If that's the case I'd definitely not read onward, though others might. I despise thieves, even in novels, unless they've been set up exceptionally well as sympathetic characters. I won't follow an unsympathetic thief on his hijinks. The leather, hammer and tongs he's looking for intrigued me--if he's making something unique that would interest me, but his need doesn't seem urgent. It reads like a casual day going out in preparation to rip people off.

Good luck!

[Jon]

Good first line. Wry, observant, implies a tangential thinker. The second

line gives us more; teh character is someone who cares about police

presence, probably a thief of some sort.

Type-2 and Type-3 was puzzling, but I'll assume it makes sense to the guy.

He's probably an inveterate yardsale hound. At odds, perhaps, with the

maybe-thiefness, but maybe not, too. Maybe he does legit business at yard

sales and uses the things he buys to steal stuff?

In any event, the first paragraph interested me. On I go.

Nice telling detail in the "old fireplace-set with the brass plating

flaking off" bit. The second paragraph up to there is maybe a -bit- wordy, but it's okay.

The leather/hammer/tongs bit is odd. It's too strange to be anything less

than important, but who expects to find blacksmithing equipment at a

residential yardsale? Yet, clearly, this guy does.

The last sentence in p2 could go, I think.

The thing about telling details, I started thinking reading par3, is that too many of them and they're no longer "telling details" -- they become clutter. The items, given that they're not hiding anything he's interested in, may be superfluous, and the guy with the putter is just scene-setting. Not that scene-setting isn't important, but in the early paragraphs of a book I'd rather see more character and/or Story.

If this was chapter 2, and I'd been hooked by a chapter 1, I probably wouldn't have second thoughts about the way this one goes into detail, but given that this -is- the hook, I'd like a little more of Frank and a little less of the World there.

[Jon]

Oh, and to Ray's comments on par 1 - FWIW, I -liked- the "small mammals section" bit -- I thought it added character to the character. Ray's not wrong for him, but it had a different effect on me.

And the half-dozen yard sale thing... Ray, think community yard sale day. We get them once or twice a year in my development in Darkest Suburbia; signs go up a few weeks ahead and it seems like in every other house folk are trotting out their garbage for other folks to buy. :o)