Flogometer for Kenyon: would you keep reading?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Kenyon's first 16 lines:

Dad was driving drunk. He'd had one too many rounds of excitement, and I guess there was reason; no more me, for an entire year.

It's not as if I hadn't earned a bit of punishment, but this was crossing the line. I'd said as much, but my begging fell on deaf ears. Dad wanted me gone, so he could have time with Alicia -- the newest twenty-something girl Dad would tell me to call "mom" until their imminent divorce seven or eight months down the line. It was round four, and by now Dad had mastered the art of a prenuptial agreement.

Alicia was staring out the dirty window, trying hard not to look at either one of us. She probably couldn't wait for me to leave either, so she could take all of Dad's money. At least she had ambition.

"We're getting closer," Dad said, sounding like a Bond villain.

Lying across the back seat, Nikes against the window, I sat up to see for myself. The landscape of trees and empty highway was transforming into a small suburban area with mild traffic. Two-storied houses, white-picket fences and clean sidewalks marked my demise.

I sat back down, making sure to rub my foot against the window and cause the loudest screech as possible. Both demons in the front winced at the sound.

I turned the page
I liked the voice and attitude of this character, and wondered where he was being taken and why. The lines have plenty of conflict, too -- kid against father, kid against step mother. There's implied jeopardy for the kid -- he/she's clearly not headed someplace that he/she thinks is good. I wished I'd had a name and a clue to the gender. There's a way to do that, and I'll suggest it in my notes. Good writing, too.

Dad was driving drunk. He'd had one too many rounds of excitement, and I guess there was reason; no more me, for an entire year. (There's a little ambiguity here that could cause confusion. Is he drunk with booze, or drunk with excitement? I read it the first way one time, the other the second time. I suggest this be more clear.)

It's not as if I hadn't earned a bit of punishment, but this was crossing the line. I'd said as much, but my begging fell on deaf ears. Dad wanted me gone, so he could have time with Alicia -- the newest twenty-something girl Dad would tell me to call "mom" until their imminent divorce seven or eight months down the line. It was round four, and by now Dad had mastered the art of a prenuptial agreement. (Colored with resentment as it is, this was a nice way to slip in just enough backstory quickly to help us understand the kid's attitude.)

Alicia was staring out the dirty window, trying hard not to look at either one of us. She probably couldn't wait for me to leave either, so she could take all of Dad's money. At least she had ambition. (I cut the "trying hard" part because it's a little slip in point of view. And why include it? It raises a question -- why is she trying to avoid looking at them? -- that doesn't get answered.)

"We're getting closer," Dad said, sounding like a Bond villain. (Here's where name and gender could come in. What if this were added: He glanced over his shoulder. Louder, he said, "Robby. We're here." Something such as this helps show the dad's irritation, and it gives us a name and a gender.)

Lying across the back seat, Nikes against the window, I sat up to see for myself. The landscape of trees and empty highway was transforming into a small suburban area with mild traffic. Two-storied houses, white-picket fences and clean sidewalks marked my demise. ("small" is a relative term. In this case, how do we visualize what a "small" area is? I think it works for the reader to fill in the scene without this vague clue.)

I sat lay back down, making sure to rub my foot against the window and cause the loudest screech as possible. Both demons in the front winced at the sound.

For me, this promised some reading fun ahead. Comments, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
3. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
4. If you're in a hurry, I've done "private floggings," $50 for a first chapter.
5. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it's okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES .

© 2008 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Deana]

Good work! What genre is it? One small nit:

"cause the loudest screech as possible"

Take out "as".

Great example of a well-written, well-paced, compelling first page!

[Sheila]

I wanted to read more. I like the voice of the narrator, and how you can tell he's a bit of a handful, but still feel sorry for his situation. And I assumed it was a "he," even before the nikes on the window. I don't know why I assumed that.

I think you do a great job of getting the reader to dislike the father - he neglects his son, drives drunk and is on wife number four. A quick, concise portrait of a self-centered individual.

I think your opening paragraph could be stronger. I stumbled a bit over the second sentence. I like the situation this shows - a father celebrating that he's no longer responsible for the son. And it introduces us to the voice of the narrator well. But I think it could be improved.

Also, you've established the father as master of the prenup, so I think it unlikely that the son would say that Alicia couldn't wait to "take all of Dad's money." That, obviously, isn't going to happen with this man. But, she can be anxious for the son to leave so she can start milking the father for as much as she can manage.

Well done!

[H. L. Dyer]

I really liked this. I agree I'd like a hint of gender at least on the narrator.

I'm willing to wait on learning the name, although Ray's solution works nicely to reveal both.

[John]

I have to question your use of "laid" in the last paragraph. The past tense of lie is lay, or am I missing something here.

[Ray Rhamey]

Thanks, John. I've corrected it, and will put the blame on doing this at 6:00 in the morning. And, I'll confess, that's one of those things I always have to look up.

[Kenyon]

Thanks for all the feedback, everybody. This definately helps and I hope the responses will help me adjust some of the later writing in the manuscript.

Ray, for what it's worth, you turning the page has brightened my day considerably.

[Kamila Miller]

Great opening, loved the voice.

Lay may be correct but it reads wrong. Can I suggest leaned? Or sticking with the original sat? I was okay with sat.

Heh. When I nit like that it's a good sign that the prose is working.

BTW, I was also confused if he was literally drunk or just emotionally intoxicated.