Flogometer for Kenan: would you keep reading?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Kenan's first 16 lines of a fantasy novel:

Sharistar Duerdall was up before dawn. The previous nights adventures was exciting; and allowed her to rid herself of some long pent up frustration. That was something she definitely needed. It took only a few moments to dress, occasionally fumbling with her clothes in the light of half lit candles. The rest of her things lay on the table in the middle of the room. She runs her finger along the Duroh runes in the armor that lay on the table. Shar could feel their power course through her body, and that made her feel comfortable. The power was something to remind her of her homeland, as she was a stranger here.

Though her people were of elven blood; they had a nasty reputation amongst the surface world. Shar was born of the Duroh'keskura; one of their many names, but also commonly known as a dark elf. Thoughts of her home are shattered as her roommate was not yet awake and obviously still in the embrace of old memories. The coos and muffled moans were a clue as to what memories she was embraced by. Shar looks through her pack knowing that as soon as Yunari woke up they would begin their travels again. "Never would I have imagined myself paired with a elf." Shar thought to herself while looking at a small glass bottle of blood leech spawn. Shar taps the glass with her fingertip causing the spawn to pulsate. She allows herself a quick smile as this was another reminder of her homeland.

Too many problems
Even though Kenan seems to have imagined a rich and detailed fantasy world, there were too many basic writing, craft, and storytelling problems to move this reader on, and there are grammar problems that Kenan must deal with before submitting this.

Verb tenses flip from past to present to past again, which is a real stopper, and semi-colons appear instead of commas. The reference to a previous adventure with no hint of what it was end up meaning nothing -- it's just "telling." There's more telling, and a few clarity issues. Notes -- I'm going to assume the intent is past tense:

Sharistar Duerdall was up before dawn. The previous night's adventures was had been exciting; and had allowed her to rid herself of some long pent up frustration. That was something she definitely needed. It took only a few moments to dress, occasionally fumbling with her clothes in the light of half-lit candles. The rest of her things lay on the table in the middle of the room. She runs ran her finger along the Duroh runes in the her armor that lay on the table. Shar could feel their power course through her body, and that made her feel comfortable. The power was something to remind her of her homeland, as she was a stranger here. (A mix of grammar problems, telling, and overwriting hurt this paragraph. Note the repeat of "lay on the table." This sentence, Shar could feel their power course through her body, and that made her feel comfortable. could be much tighter, i.e. Their power coursed through her, and she was comforted. The last mention of being a stranger is telling, not showing.)

Though her people were of elven blood;, they had a nasty reputation amongst the surface world. Shar was born of the Duroh'keskura; one of their many names, but also commonly known as a dark elf. Thoughts of her home are were shattered as her roommate was not yet awake and obviously still in the embrace of old memories. The coos and muffled moans were a clue as to what memories she was embraced by. Shar looks looked through her pack, knowing that as soon as Yunari woke up they would begin their travels again. "Never would I have imagined myself paired with a elf." Shar thought to herself while looking at a small glass bottle of blood leech spawn. Shar taps tapped the glass with her fingertip, causing the spawn to pulsate. She allows allowed herself a quick smile as at this was another reminder of her homeland. (This paragraph opens with telling and backstory, two sure momentum killers. We can wait to learn all this. The shattering of her thoughts was unmotivated -- there's nothing to shatter them, no sound, no action. I'm guessing the coos and moans were what did that, but they come after the shattering, so this is far from clear. I felt "as to what memories she was embraced by" was convoluted and passive. For example, how about "to the memories that embraced her." Same goes for "causing the spawn to pulsate." Turn that around and it's more active, i.e. "The spawn pulsated when she tapped the glass.)

I didn't address everything, but you get the idea. There's certainly interesting stuff here, and focusing on grammar and tightening the prose will help. You're at the front end of the learning curve, Kenan, but keep at it. It can all be learned.

Comments, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

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Donations go to the cost of hosting FtQ.

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
3. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
4. If you're in a hurry, I've done "private floggings," $50 for a first chapter.
5. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it's okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES .

© 2008 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Jon]

I would not (sorry!) read on.

The second sentence alone was enough to stop me.

>The previous nights adventures was exciting; and allowed her to rid herself of some long pent up frustration.

In one sentence I find a broken possessive (night's), verb-subject disagreement (adventures was), a misused semicolon (semicolons link two full sentences that are too closely-related to use a period), and a so-vague-as-to-be-useless allusion to "adventures" the previous night that are never further referenced.

I'm assuming by this that the writer is just starting out, and I don't want to stamp on any writerly dreams. We all start somewhere, and just getting anything on paper--let alone getting up the nerve to submit it somewhere for public view and critique--is a hard thing to do. So, good work on both of those things!

In order to get me to read on, the piece would have required the following:

a) Better command of punctuation and grammar. Not perfect, necessarily (though I am hard on grammar), but good enough for me to look past.

b) A hint of some sort of trouble or conflict or drama. It doesn't have to be a full-on fight, mind. But something to suggest that something will happen. This snippet was two paragraphs of... not that.

c) no dark elves, please :o) This is a personal thing, but I'd rather read something featuring the writer's inventions than someone else's. If a writer is going to use something that someone else has invented (which is often fine; elves were hardly now to Tolkien, after all, and Shakespeare wasn't the first to write something with fairies in it...), I'd like to see some new twist on it to make me look at the thing as a re-invention. (As I said, though, this is personal; while I'm hardly the only one with the opinion, others can and will fairly disagree.)

Good luck with this piece and with your future writing!

[Kenan]

I appreciate the comments, and I agree with them except for the part about dark elves. It's not just a fantasy story. There is more going on than just elves and fairies.

You have to understand that this is my first attempt at writing a novel with little more than a highschool (C- in english) background.
My desire and my creativity are unfortunately a little more than my actual writing skills. But this story has something that most fantasy fiction stories lack. Social Commentary. The reason I didn't imply that something bigger was happening was because it was taking place around them without the two characters realizing it yet. This was an excerpt from the first two paragraphs. More is to come as you advance through the first chapter.

Back to the dark elf comment. There are very few new races and creatures under the sun. Everyone has their own take on things. You can't tell yet, but there is more to my dark elves than meets the eye. This character is not Drizzt or any other.

As an african-american male, I have a certain outlook, and my dark elves good and bad reflect a similar outlook. These aren't just the dark elves of classic fantasy.

Anyway give me sometime to work with it.

[Kamila Miller]

I won't disagree with Jon on the dark elves thing. It shouts AD&D adventure novel. That can sell to the right market, as a work for hire, but the craft issues will have to be dealt with even in that case because that market (a sub-category of fantasy) is very small and competition is fierce.

I happen to like the idea of dark elves, though I don't and won't read AD&D books so I guess I won't get to read about them. I do lots of internal storytelling with them as do most gamers, though, so your story has to be able to be better and more intriguing than what I can imagine. You have to make sure there's something more interesting going on in the first scene besides the fact that she's paired with a regular elf (the forbidden and/or contentious love or partnership of necessity.) That happens a lot in games and in gamers' minds. Something new and with high stakes has to be there to propel the story. My rule, when I'm writing an opening scene, is that I don't let myself write about the first three ideas that come to my head because those will be the same three ideas that come to 90% of the population's heads. So, my idea #1-they have a child together and that means trouble-is a no go. #2-they've been thrown together because of a secret and everyone is hunting them-not so much. #3-They were part of a larger party and everyone else is dead and now they have to go fix the original problem that killed everyone else-also out the window. Now I have to really dig deep to find more ideas. The easy ones (hopefully) that *everyone* would think of are, for the most part, off the table. I have a chance to make something fresh and alive out of this pair.

But first, I suggest that you get with some experienced writers and work on craft. If you need suggestions I have some. Because you picked a favorite concept of mine, I'm inclined toward wanting you to write and produce something along these lines that I can read and love, so I'm on your side and I want to encourage you. But in order to help you make it in the writing world I have to be honest and hope that you accept that honesty and learn from it. Honestly, right now the grammar, tense, and I suspect future pov issues are what's hurting you the worst. Work on those like you'd work on anything else that requires daily practice to excel in.

Don't practice on this work if you love it. You'll edit it to death until it's a lifeless, mutated heap. Leave it alone and write new stuff--short stories, throwaway chapters for books you don't intend to write (although you may get an idea and run with it, much to your surprise) or writing exercises from writing prompts.

Also, buy a used copy of Strunk and White used for fifty cents someplace or check it out of the library. They're everywhere, easy to find cheap on Amazon and used book stores. And, I really mean this, good luck!

Kami

[Kamila Miller]

Hi Kenan, I cross-posted with you.

Social commentary as a source for theme in your book is a great sign that you'll write something that will be compelling when you're done with your novel. Do be careful not to beat people over the head with it. Have you read Ursula K. LeGuin's Earthsea books? If you haven't I highly, highly recommend that you do.

Anyway, you won't get to make the social commentary unless people fall in love with the characters and story. Also, your dark elves may be different *but* I can't tell that on the first page, especially since you call her a dark elf and she lives underground and for all intensive purposes is just like a gaming dark elf with a fancy (and hard to pronounce) name. That's not enough separation from the gaming world.

[Kenan]

I appreciate the comment and take a lot of it to heart. But as I said there is social commentary in my novel. This isn't just the standard pairing. The surface (regular elf) is a racist. The dark elf is leaning more towards a type of pacifism (though she isn't a total pacifist she is less likely to be drawn into combat unless absolutely necessary). The surface elf hates all dark elves. The dark elf doesn't have any hatred towards elves. They are forced together because of something they did in a temple, and are adventuring together because through divine forces they can't. They cannot injure each other. This is a way to teach them both a lesson that plays out through the series. In my world all dark elves are not evil. The world just sees them as such (prejudice) The dark elf is an embassador of her people and seeks to undo the bad reputation that her people have been forced to carry. In the midst of this they are drawn into a conflict that has nothing to do with them. Through characterization and conflict, I want to show how these characters view their world, their place in it, and most of all how the appearance of good and bad can change depending on ones own perspective.

I thank you for your kind words. I know the areas that I lack skill and polish and have been troubled by them. I wanted to go to school to help me sharpen my craft but at the moment that isn't likely. Still I will keep plugging away. I believe in this project to subject myself to the harshest criticism. I believe in this project because I know that in the end, my belief will be strong enough to get this project done, and into the hands of those who want to read it.

[Kenan]

Yes I own all three books of the earthsea trilogy. They were amongst the first fantasy fiction books that I ever read and owned. You are right about living underground. I know that it is standard fantasy fare, and I am counting on that familiarity. But that is also like saying Humans live in cities, or Dwarves mine, like to drink and use axes and hammers. Those things are common place, but it's really what you decide to do with them. There are always going to be common things. Elves are fanciful tree lovers, Dark elves are from the underground, Orcs are stupid, barbaric war mongering hordes. These are stereotypes that have existed for years. However every so often someone takes that idea, expands upon it and makes it their own. I have seen many cliched stories that have made it. I decided to go in the opposite direction. I break a lot of the cliches in my story. My elf for instance. She is vengeful and deceitful. She is neither graceful nor eloquent. She is actually more human in someways. While she appreciates nature as *all elves* do, she shows a different side of the common elf. The Dark Elf is naturally kind and understanding. She has a level of compassion that is found amongst the best of us, but she is as flawed as the next person. And Duroh'keskura is pronounced (Doo-Row-Kiss-Ku-RaH) The name is taken from the Japanese Word for black and the common AD&D word for Dark Elf which is Drow.
So it's more like Drow+Kuro= Duroh. The Keskura is a word I made up.. :)

[Sheila]

I didn't make it past the first paragraph, I'm sorry to say. Since you cannot go back to school, I have one suggestion - read. You must get your hands on The Elements of Style, as Kamila suggested. I saw a title on an agent's website called, "Grammar Snobs are Great Big Meanies." That might help, too.

Next, read in your genre. Listen to books on tape. Read your own stories out loud - you will be able to hear when things don't sound right.

Most of the Fantasy I read is rich with social commentary - LOTR, His Dark Materials, Narnia, The City of Ember, The Giver, to name a few. This part of your story will also need to offer something fresh.

Good luck!

[Kenan]

I am loving all the comments, and I thank you for yours Shelia. As you said most of the fantasy that *you* read is rich with social commentary. I want to be amongst that group. I do want to add that a lot of fantasy fiction falls in the entertainment category and I mean straight entertainment. I do read my stories out loud as well as to my friends and family. I also read stories in my genre and have been for at least half of my life. I have my own take on things and have created an entire universe based on my own perspective of a fantasy fiction universe.

[Kamila Miller]

Yes, you can play on the cliche's and use them to your advantage, but ...

You're not listening and I think it's very important to listen at this stage in your writing. I believe you're really shooting yourself in the foot by employing the AD&D game cliche's, as do writers who use dwarves, orcs, etc. in their writing unless you write for the very few publishers who publish game-related books, and they won't give you a lot of freedom (or a very good contract, for that matter--chances are you won't own your characters or the world you create for them.) I think the ideas you're playing with are not what readers in the game genres are looking for anyway.

I hope you think bigger. All you really need to do is shift away from the words elf, dwarf, orc, etc. and bring in your world, your experiences, your take on things to build new species and cultures for your world. If you're near a Jewish community and interact with a lot of them, maybe you can draw your experiences on their culture and way of interacting with others to create one group. Or maybe you know a lot of Hispanics, or Christians, or whoever. You may end up in a better place if you draw from your life and beliefs and write into the world than if you take an existing set of cultural groups that someone else imagined and write away from that world. Make sense?

I don't think going back to school will necessarily help you with your writing. I think talking to and working with writers will be much better. Don't worry about paid seminars, conventions and stuff like that for now. Find a writer's group through your library or book store. Pin up a couple of wanted ads-- Wanted: novice writer seeking speculative fiction writers for a writing critique and discussion group. My focus is fantasy but science fiction and horror writers are also welcome [Kami's note--if that's true, or include any other genres that you read and/or would want to work with.] I'd like to meet once a month at MyLocalLibraryorCoffeeShop. myemail@myemail.com

Also, get involved in Nanowrimo and/or Absolute Write and/or Critters and other online groups. They'll help you a lot and all of these groups are friendly, helpful, and include some knowledgeable and experienced writers both published and unpublished.

One thing that you can learn right now that will definitely help you in the long run is to learn not defend your writing. Your writing will not be able to defend itself on the bookshelf or on Amazon. It is what it is on the page, buck naked. Sometimes (rarely) it helps critiquers to understand what you're shooting for, but other than that, you have to develop your story and characters in a way that won't require explaining what you're trying to do to your readers. So "my dark elves are different and I want to highlight social dynamics and prejudice" will not work, not as a pitch to an editor or agent, and not to readers because you can't sit in the bookstore and tell them to give your story a chance.

Make sense?

[Jon]

>Your writing will not be able to defend itself on the bookshelf or on Amazon.

Nailed it in one, Kamila.

Kenan, again, I have nothing but respect for anyone who tries to get things they care deeply about on the page. It's like putting pieces of yourself out there, and when people don't like it it's like they don't like you. But defensiveness never helps. Which is NOT to say you should be a mudpuddle to be stomped upon, mind. But what Kamila said is absolutely true. What it will come down to, in all cases, is whether the reader turns the page.

For what it's worth, if you'd called the elves Gleekens and the dark elves Speekens, this conversation never would have come up. It's part of what I was trying to get at, and probably failed, in my post--when we take others ideas on, even to subvert them, we're taking on the HUGE weight of history that those words carry. (It's amazing what words carry with them. Entire cultures, packed small, are present in nearly every word.)

So if a writer is going to write about dwarves, they're going to inherit the reader's knowledge of D&D, Tolkien, German history, sideshows, Austin Powers movies, Peter Dinklage movies, Disney movies, and a million other things. If the writer -wants- those associations, so they can play off of them, that's great--but the writer has to be aware from Word 1 that those associations will be engaged in the reader's mind, and work from Word 1 to either counter or encourage them.

Which is A H*LL OF A LOT for a new writer to take on, so don't worry about it too much at this point :). Work on telling a readable story first, then on telling a good story, THEN on getting the message in. I'm still working on telling a good story, myself; I haven't progressed to that next level.

Upthread, someone suggested putting this work aside for a while, if it's something you care deeply for and don't want to massacre, and work on other stuff so you don't burn out on this piece. Because take it from me, no writer's first attempt at a novel EVER turns out well. The conventional wisdom is that the writer has to turn out a million words of crap before anything publishable comes out. (I'm on two or three million, and still struggling... :)) But seriously, if you care deeply about this book, set it aside until your skills can do it justice...

Good luck!