Flogometer for Jon: would you keep reading?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Jon's first 16 lines:

"Maybe someone," Caden Shaw called as gunfire chattered Athasian marble from the bank's sheltering corner, "should have broken out a robot or two this time around. Just a couple. You think? Sir?"

Across the narrow cobblestone street, Frank Courbet was pinned behind a vacant dry-goods store, all gaping windows and looted shelves. Courbet peeked around the corner to snap off a shot from his holdout gun. Glass shattered. Someone cursed. Better than he'd expected. With this popgun he had as much chance of hitting one of the militants as he had of hitting the moon. Courbet grinned at his XO anyway. "You do go on about those robots, don't you? You sweet on one of 'em, Cady?"

"Staying put ain't much of a long-term solution, sir." Cady hadn't been thrilled to come to the parley unarmed, and now that they were pinned down and taking fire she was a good deal less happy. Courbet couldn't find it in himself to blame her.

"Did I say it was?" Courbet tapped his throat to activate his speaker implant. "Brayley, Elle, where on the little blue planet have you gotten yourselves to? We could use a little cover fire down here. Maybe teach these folks some manners."

Static hissed, and a low, rumbling voice filled Courbet's head. "In position." Despite his size, Brayley Strong could climb like a damn monkey. Yet another of his many charms.

A rifle cracked from the roof of the vacant apartment building abutting the general store. (snip)

Give me more
Nicely done. Clear, interesting voice, we're in the midst of an action scene in an interesting world, good writing. Not a lot more to ask for.

Not a lot to nitpick, either. This is good writing doing good storytelling. I might suggest trimming the last sentence a little, i.e.

A rifle cracked from the roof of a vacant apartment building.

. . .but that's all. I would have included a caution on having two names that were too similar -- Courbet and Cady -- but Cady gets killed off, so that's not a problem. But it's something to watch for -- names that start with the same letter, unless very different, can confuse a reader.

Interesting "pet peeves" article

Since I can't offer a lot of editing on Jon's work, I came across an article that gives pet peeves from agents and one editor on what they see in first chapters that they don't like. Go here.

Comments, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
3. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
4. If you're in a hurry, I've done "private floggings," $50 for a first chapter.
5. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it's okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES .

© 2008 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Deana]

Very excellent writing. Today's readers want "action" and that's what you're giving them. The futuristic touches were good, too. No communication devices, just a touch of the throat. Neat!

Re. nitpicks -- Ray, this line stood out to me at first:

"Courbet couldn't find it in himself to blame her."

I wanted to shorten it to, Courbet couldn't blame her. You didn't touch it, though. Is that what you mean by not tinkering with an author's voice?

[Jon]

Thanks, Ray (and Deana)

A question for either/both of you/anyone else.

One of the quibbles that readers and agents both have (cited in the article Ray linked to) is that a scene that starts with a fight loses them, because they don't have time to care about the characters.

Does the humor in the setup help with that? Did you find yourself liking the characters in this brief snippet? (And, Ray, since you read the whole thing, did Caden's death have any meaning for you given the short time you knew her?)

Thanks, folks!

[Deana]

Jon, it's interesting how you make this opening battle scene work so well! But you gave it more depth than just a "kick/punch/ouch that hurt" treatment.

I wasn't left confused as to who was fighting and why I should care, but wanting to know more about the world the battle occurred in.

Well done!

[Sheila]

Well done! I'd want to read on. And only one edit from Ray - Wow.

Some entirely subjective thoughts: Caden and Frank are across the street from each other under fire and it's raining down Athasian marble (is it necessary to tag the marble as Athasian?) - wouldn't they have to shout to each other?

Also, the comment about Caden (love that name) being sweet on the robots seemed incongruous to the fact that she wanted them there for protection, to take the bullets meant for her. If, perhaps, she had a problem of robot-overuse because she was kind of a chicken, that would work better for me. It would also get me a little more emotionally tied to her character, so her eventual death would have more impact.

I've heard that complaint, the one about starting with action scenes and I can see the point. How can you care about a character you've just met. But do you have to? Look at, for example, the Da Vinci Code - it opens with an action scene of an assassin taking out the curator of the Louvre. Did I care that the curator died? No, not really. But there were so many story questions raised by that action that readers were compelled to keep reading.

So, I think action for the sake of action won't cut it. But action that leads us forward with little hints of an interesting world (throat-talkies!) and interesting characters would work, as this does.

Good work, Jon. And thanks for the link, Ray.

[Jon]

Thanks, Sheila.

>is it necessary to tag the marble as Athasian?)

The goal was to hint, in as few words as possible, that we were Somewhere Else. I tried to use "Athasian," which is plausible enough to be a real name but definitely not a real place (that I know of) to signify an off-Earth location. There's the possible interpretation that it's Earth with off-Earth supplies, but I was hoping that the transportation costs of moving marble to Earth from some other planet would signify otherwise. That's a lot of signaling in one word. No idea if it works :)

>wouldn't they have to shout to each other?

I led with "called" which is somewhat less than a shout but more than speech. The tone is a -little- conversational for "calling," you're right, but I was hoping readers would give it a pass. I was envisioning sporadic gunfire, not sustained, figuring that a distance of 6-8 feet would be conversation-able in the absence of other sounds. I'll consider.

>Also, the comment about Caden (love that name) being sweet on the robots seemed incongruous to the fact that she wanted them there for protection, to take the bullets meant for her.

Yes, it does, doesn't it? :) As you read on, if you'd read on, you'd have found that the no-robot thing is much more Courbet's thing than Caden's; he's playing it off here. A few lines later, other characters start asking why no robots, too; Courbet treats their questions the same way.

>Look at, for example, the Da Vinci Code - it opens with an action scene of an assassin taking out the curator of the Louvre. Did I care that the curator died? No, not really. But there were so many story questions raised by that action that readers were compelled to keep reading.

Mmm. Now, to be fair, I hated that book, thought it was terribly written. The story was engaging, but the writing was, IMO, dreadful. But the "death of a maybe-innocent" convention is strong in thrillers and mysteries. It establishes the bad guy as a bad guy, for one--how much worse a guy can you get? And it gives the MC something to go up against--both the solving the crime and the catching the killer. It sets up story questions, in other words.

In situations where that -isn't- the concern, though--where the attack is coming on the MC--it's a little dicier, because now those story questions aren't being set up, unless the attacker is masked and then gets away. It's a discrete event that has a discrete ending, usually... at the beginning, you don't learn anything about the character, and by the end, you're often status quo with the MC still "looking to start the story."

Thanks for your thoughts, Sheila!

[Ray Rhamey]

Jon, about starting with a fight: I re-skimmed the peeves from agents, and only saw one that didn't like starting with a battle. And one agent said that she wanted action up front.

I wouldn't shape my novel based on generalities voiced by agents on the web. For every thing that "shouldn't" be done, I'm certain there are examples of it working just fine if the writing is strong.

In your case, the back-and-forth showed relationships, which is key to making readers care, and your voice was also personal and engaging.

For what it's worth.

[Jon]

Thanks, Ray.

[Kamila Miller]

I had places where I was confused about the pov. It read like head hopping until I reread and reinterpreted the narrative. When I start reading about a character I generally assume it's from their pov so I didn't know whose pov I was in until "Better than he'd expected."
"Cady hadn't been thrilled" started to read like we were in Cady's head.
I also found the comment about being sweet on the robots as coming out of nowhere. I'd assumed they were up against robots (and apparently people, unless robots curse) so it made no sense to me. It implies that the robots look human, and if that's not the case I'd like to know what the robots look like before or shortly after such a comment so I can put it into context. Otherwise I'm reading blind as to whether I'm dealing with baiting or wacky humor. Baiting would be implying that she's sweet on something that some people would naturally be into, wacky humor would be implying she's sweet on something like a car or a laptop.

But the narrative is strong enough that I'd read onward, at least for a while, to see what happens.

[Jon]

Thanks, Kamila!

Huh, thanks for the feels-like-headhopping comment. I read it again with that in mind, and yeah, I can definitely see that.

> I'd assumed they were up against robots (and apparently people, unless robots curse)

This was a curiosity, though. What led you to that assumption?

The whole robot thing is supposed to be a long-running half-humorous point of contention, not only between Courbet and his crew, but Courbet and his headquarters. He's a corporate arms dealer, you see, and one of the best profit-margin items are the various forms of robots... but after Courbet saw a batch of them go haywire and kill innocents, he refuses to sell, use, or demo them. The rest of his crew doesn't know this, (though the reader gets hints of it in chapter 1 and a fuller account in chapter 2). So they're constantly semi-seriously teasing him about it.

>It implies that the robots look human, and if that's not the case I'd like to know what the robots look like before or shortly after such a comment so I can put it into context.

That's an interesting observation. Thanks for it. I'll consider.

Thanks again!

[Kamila Miller]

I guess I assumed that if they had robots for combat that the other guys would have them too. ?